Strangers, please don't talk to my kids!!

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Forum -> Children's Health

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amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 5:16 pm

We teach our kids not to talk to strangers, but strangers, please dont talk to our kids! You should know better than that. My kids where sitting on the steps with some neighbors, I was watching from the window. A man went up to them and asked them if he's allowed to park in front of the house. The kids said I don't know. Instead of walking away he proceeded to tell them about all previous tickets he got and how he doesnt wanna get a ticket anymore...I text my neighbor to look out the window. I saw he wasn't leaving, I opened the window and gave him a sharp comment.
My daughters had once a random women on the street complimenting them on their clothing and asking them where they got it from, bh they ignored her and walked on.
Why do people feel the need to engage kids in conversation????

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 5:21 pm

Delete

Last edited by amother on Mon, Feb 11 2019, 6:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

OBnursemom

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 5:27 pm

No. It is your job to keep strangers from talking to your kids. If there are strangers talking to your kids, you need to be supervising them better.

ectomorph

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 5:28 pm

Depends how old the kids are.

Sometimes strangers are safer than neighbors with whom you have the illusion of familiarity.

I personally do not let my kids outside alone ever.

I do think a lot of people are giving their kids social anxiety by not giving them any experiences dealing with unfamiliar people from different sectors of society.

I think assessing and being friendly is an important under developed skill

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 5:30 pm

My kids are 5&7, they where sitting by my front door & I was by the window right there.
How am I supposed to keep strangers from talking to my kids?? What am I supposed to do when someone just goes over to them and talk to them?

amother

Pewter

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 5:41 pm

amother wrote:

You can't control the world out there, but you can teach your kids to reply "We don't talk to strangers" and walk away.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 5:50 pm

I teach them that, but when it comes to actually doing it I guess they got lost/confused.
There are so many friendly bubbies and zeidies they dont mean bad, they're just friendly but its wrong of them to just talk to kids.

seeker

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 10:03 pm

I agree. Yes, I'm there to run interference, but the adults should know better. The guy talking about parking tickets sounds socially off, but I'm more annoyed by normal people just trying to be friendly. What business do you have being friendly with kids you don't know? Even more so if they're offended when the kids aren't friendly back. My children don't owe you anything.

flowerpower

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 10:16 pm

I preach to my kids all the time. If a stranger talks to you just run away. My 11 year old dd walked home from school with a friend. An old lonely woman was sitting on her steps looking for some human interaction. She tried to strike up some conversation with my dd and they both ran away. I felt bad for the lonely old woman but seems that my dd took the preaching very seriously.

Fox

Mon, Jan 21 2019, 11:04 pm

Sorry, folks, but you're not doing your kids any favors if you don't help them learn to navigate and assess these kinds of social situations.

If they're genuinely too young or too immature to make those kinds of judgments, then they're too young to be unsupervised in a location where adults can approach them.

If they're old enough to be lightly supervised, then it's time to start teaching them the nuances of social interactions.

People are going to greet them, ask questions, and sometimes even make small talk. They need practice in determining the general safety of the situation as well as the social appropriateness of the adult's actions. They need practice extricating themselves from a conversation that has gone on too long or makes them uncomfortable.

My suggestions are twofold:

First, do a lot of role-playing in various situations. "Let's pretend an old lady asks you for directions" or "Let's pretend a man pulls up in a car and asks you your names." Be sure that you mix plenty of routine examples in with the more sinister ones.

Second, take your kids to store and on errands where they can practice interacting with people as well as see you interacting with people. Simple tasks like asking a store clerk where to find an item or placing their order at a pizza shop help them get a sense of what is normal and appropriate -- which helps them judge when something is not appropriate.

Teaching them to never talk to strangers is not really practical. At some point, they're going to have to talk to strangers. Help them prepare to do so safely and appropriately; don't hobble them with fear and inexperience.

seeker

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 12:26 am

The determining factor is what is your relationship with this person. The clerk in the store - your relationship is that he is there to help you navigate the store. You ask him questions relating to buying things in the store. You can wish each other a good day while you're at it.
The random lady looking for companionship - your relationship is zero. Sorry for the poor lonely lady but this is not a conversation to have. Nice would be if you wish her a good day and Keep Walking.

I also teach kids that generally adults don't need a kid's help. If they need directions or the like, they can find another adult to ask. These days, they should probably have a cell phone anyway - and again, if they don't, they should ask an adult for help. Do Not Get Involved. Even if most of the time it's either innocent or lacking seichel, it's not worth the chance.

shanarishona

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 12:40 am

I've also told my kid that adults shouldnt ask kids for help. But how do I explain that sometimes there are emergency situations and an adult might need a kids help? What if someone is having a medical emergency and they need the nearest person to rummage through their purse and find their pills etc? How can I explain this nuance to my kids?

seeker

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 12:46 am

When is your kid who is too young/immature to make those judgment calls alone in such an isolated place that they are the only one who can help a total stranger get pills out of their purse? Rule for such a situation is run for the nearest adult.

creditcards

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 1:01 am

I let my kids talk to strangers. I don't see the reason not to. No need to instill in them an extra fear. They need to speak to strangers all the time.

amother

Tan

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 6:48 am

I can't remember which news outlet did a story on stranger danger, it was a few years back, but I remember some points they said.

First of all, children need to be taught that any person who is not family or close friend is a stranger.
If you were to ask your child right now casually who they think is a stranger, they'll more than likely tell you it's a masked man or some character from a comic book. I asked my son who was 6 years old at the time and he said a stranger/kidnapper was a masked man wearing all black hiding in the bushes. The reporter then said that you need to show your child who is a stranger and how to interact with that person (I think a poster mentioned it before, sorry I dont know who it is!).
How?
First by making it very clear: a stranger is a man, woman, boy, girl that you don't know. That includes jewish mothers and jewish fathers. Children think that only non jewish people are strangers. You gotta make it clear stranger danger means that cute little old lady and the totties in shul too. Of course take into account your child's age too and teach age appropriate. I made it very clear with my kids when they were younger and outside playing and I wasnt outside with them, that no matter who it was that greeted them, family and familiar people you greet back but strangers you dont talk to and to come tell me immediately. On that note, if any family or friend came by car to never approach the car but first get my permission and then they could go. My son was scared me like that. My brother passed by the house and son went into his car. I happened to have come outside and it took me a second to realize he was sitting in the car waving to me. I told him for the future he must tell me first.
Also, showing kids examples of people and situations and how to react. For example: the UPS, Fedex, delivery person, mailman etc is a stranger doing a service. You can't ignore them but you still gotta be friendly. All you gotta say is hello and thank you.
When at a store, the clerk is there to help you with whatever the store sells. Friendly conversation is about the weather or store but never ever personal info. Never tell the clerk your name, address, school attending etc unless its an emergency. An emergency means when you need help: not feeling well or someone is following you.
You need to give examples of daily living and happenings and scenarios that could happen but most likely wont.

You'll be surprised at how much info your child remembers even if it looks like they're not listening.

Make up a password with the kids so that they know if the person picking them up from wherever they're at is really you who sent them. Before getting into a strangers car, the driver needs to provide the password, otherwise said child does not get into car without confirming you really sent someone in your place.

Sit outside with your child and point out the people: that lady across the street, no matter how nice and friendly she looks, thats a stranger.
If a child is lost and needs help, they should rather go to a store clerk or a mother with children rather than to a police officer.

Main point was: you gotta teach children real situations and how to handle them.

Do I sound paranoid? Yes I do!! We live in a crazy world.

cinnamon

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 7:06 am

I explain to my kids that there is a difference between public places and hidden/secluded places.
Speaking to a stranger on a busy street or park is okay going someplace secluded or into a car with a stranger (or someone they know for that matter!) is not okay.

ectomorph

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 7:32 am

Fox wrote:

This is exactly correct.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 8:11 am

I'm really nervous about strangers considering all the crazy stories I hear about like ppl who acted old and needed "help" but then tried to kidnap or steal from adults.

So,I tell my kids dont talk to anyone...(yes they can say good morning to our neighbor bec. We know them...) but never "help" someone if someone asks for help or directions....if an old lady wanted to conversate with my kids,they would run. Away and while I understand the old lady may want to talk, my kids safety comes first....

My kids can't assess a situation to figure out who is legit who really needs help and who can be dangerous, even us adults wouldn't be able to always tell like recently in my neighborhood, a woman was attacked by a seemingly "nice" man. You can never tell nowadays.

I told my kids anybody non jewish or dressed like us can be a "bad" person trying to "take" u so dont talk to anyone, dont go with them....

My son especially will start "trusting" everyone if I tell him dont talk to strangers but u can talk to old ppl or to help or....SO I JUST SAY NO HELPING NO TALKING TO ANYONE...

I live in ny and there are too many ppl who took advantage of ppls nice side by asking for help"" then attacking them..

I do let my older child walk himself as he's old enough, but I'm nervous and I know he wont talk to anyone...

The only time I tell my son he has no choice to talk to someone is if he's lost in a place we go to....then he has no choice but to ask them for help to find his parents but I told him never go in a car with that person or if someone grabs him instead of helping him he should scream n kick....to get away..

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 10:14 am

Tangerine, teach your kids that if they're ever lost, the safest is to ask help from a mother pushing a stroller with kids.

Aylat

Tue, Jan 22 2019, 10:52 am

amother wrote:

. You gotta make it clear stranger danger means that cute little old lady
.

I find this really sad.

Stranger danger is actually a bit of an outdated concept. Yes, there are abductions and attacks by strangers, but research has shown that most abuse, s-xual and physical, is perpetrated by someone known by, and close to, the kid. It is more important to talk with kids about bodily autonomy, secrets, etc with kids, than to scare them about the lonely old lady or the delivery guy.

amother wrote:

You need to give examples of daily living and happenings and scenarios that could happen but most likely wont.

Yeah, I'm very into rehearsing scenarios with my kids, "what would you do if...?" Fire, someone getting hurt, getting lost at the zoo, etc. I try and do it in a calm, matter of fact way - my aim is to make them capable and not make them feel that the world is a scary place.

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