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Shiva House is Open House for Crazy People
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 24 2019, 5:08 pm
amother wrote:
So sorry for your loss.

You absolutely can ask people to leave. Often, a family member who is not sitting shiva is there to run things. Part of his or her duties is to keep the visitors in line.

A simple "thank you for coming" will get rid of all but the most clueless. And for the clueless ones, there's nothing wrong with directly asking them to leave. Really.


I can’t imagine anyone feeling comfortable enough to ask others to leave.
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 24 2019, 5:10 pm
amother wrote:
How I wish I had had the intestinal fortitude to ask people to leave who were hanging around for hours late at night! We posted times, till 9 pm. People would come in at 8.59 and stay till 11.30. They felt perfectly justified since they came before 9! It was horrible. A real imposition.

FTR I feel the same about bikur Cholim ladies who visit you in the hospital. They’re well meaning, but total strangers, and if I’m in hospital then struggling to make conversation with people I don’t know from Eve is about the last thing I want to do. And not helping my recovery any, either.


I disagree about the bikur cholim volunteers in general. They are truly the most giving, kind and helpful people, and many people stuck in the hospital are grateful to have a smiling face and a kind word from these visitors, especially patients who are alone and don’t have family around them.,,,
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amother




Lavender


Post  Thu, Jan 24 2019, 6:09 pm
amother wrote:
we appreciated the bikur cholim ladies so much that we donate 500 a year to the organization


I donate more than that to Satmar Bikur Cholim . So what? They have the brains to come only when asked. And they bring food! They don’t just barge in on patients and yenta the life out of them.
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acemom




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 24 2019, 9:34 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
If you don't want someone in your hospital room, or to stay late after shiva hours, just say "I'm really tired and need to get my sleep. I'm going to take a nap/go to bed now. Thank you for visiting."


...and some people can't take that "hint" either. They literally had to be walked to the door.... Twisted Evil
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amother




Cyan


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 3:21 pm
I have a serious question .
is it halacha to have ppl come to you when u sit shiva ?
how much sense does it make to have to see anyone during ones most vulnerable time??!!
I hate guests and ppl in the best of times !
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amother




Olive


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 3:46 pm
amother wrote:
we appreciated the bikur cholim ladies so much that we donate 500 a year to the organization


One of the first things I did when I got back from the hospital was go on to their website and make a donation. I was so thankful for the delicious food they brought me.
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singleagain




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 3:48 pm
amother wrote:
I have a serious question .
is it halacha to have ppl come to you when u sit shiva ?
how much sense does it make to have to see anyone during ones most vulnerable time??!!
I hate guests and ppl in the best of times !


I remember when a neighbor sat, she didn't really annouce it. She didn't tell ppl. So except for minyan for kaddish.. I don't think it's needed. But I've no source for this.
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imasoftov




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 28 2019, 5:27 am
amother wrote:
I have a serious question .
is it halacha to have ppl come to you when u sit shiva ?
how much sense does it make to have to see anyone during ones most vulnerable time??!!
I hate guests and ppl in the best of times !

I would suggest asking a rabbi. If one anticipates not wanting visitors during a possibile shivah it seems to me that it would be best to ask now rather than at the last minute, even if the relative one forsees mourning for at some point in the future is in good health now.

Now it seems to me that there are two types of people who have mitzvot (let's not get into whether they are deoraita or derabbanan), the mourners are obligated to mourn and others are obligated to comfort them. Perhaps it could be that just like people are obligated to visit the sick, but a sick person can refuse visitors, mourners could not receive comforters. But since shivas are generally announced by the community (and even if they aren't funerals are and then people ask where the shiva is) it seems to me that whatever is decided upon (with rabbinic guidance) should be announced so that people don't assume there's a shiva and find a locked door or unwelcoming mourners.

It might also be worth considering restricting visiting hours rather than eliminating them entirely. I have seen shiva announcements saying only to visit during specified hours. Or if space permits, having the mourners take turns being available to receive visitors while those who need to decompress go into another room. Of course all the mourners should work out something that works for them all, so unless there's only one mourner, if one doesn't want visitors and another does, find a compromise, maybe limit hours, or have those who want visitors interact with them while those who don't sit in another room.
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 28 2019, 7:41 am
amother wrote:
I have a serious question .
is it halacha to have ppl come to you when u sit shiva ?
how much sense does it make to have to see anyone during ones most vulnerable time??!!
I hate guests and ppl in the best of times !

Re: halacha. When I sat shiva for my mother, we asked many shailahs and were told each and every time that almost NOTHING in mourning is halacha, most of it is minhag or “stronG minhag”. Ask, ask, ask.
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