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amother




Firebrick


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 7:00 am
My daughter divorced about two years ago. Because of concern over the ability of her ex to look after her son's complex needs and from nasty comments made by her ex about her son when her son was younger, she has not let her son stay with his father over Shabbos till now. Since in recent months her son who is eight told her that he wanted to go to his father for Shabbos, she decided to agree to it and hope for the best. So last Shabbos he stayed with his dad.

When he came home, my daughter asked him how Shabbos with his dad was. He answered her by saying:" Mummy, I love you very much" and not much else. When after a few days he was with his aunt and she asked him how it was with his father he gave her the same answer that he loves her very much. He definitely would not have remembered that he told his mother exactly the same thing a few days before.
I am puzzled by this answer and since he does not have a close relationship with his father, I am wondering if a) he wants to give his mother and aunt a message without knowing exactly how best to say it and b) how happy he was with his father over Shabbos.
In your opinion is this an innocent comment from a child or should my daughter be reconsidering whether he should go to his father every alternate Shabbos?
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amother




cornflower


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 7:13 am
From my perspective, it just sounds like he's saying that being away made him appreciate his mother.
Now, if you are worried that he's being mistreated at his father's house, I might ask more specifically what he did. Be careful not to use leading questions, because some people pleasing kids will give the answer they think the grown-up wants to hear.
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groisamomma




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 7:22 am
No reason an 8-year-old can't memorize lines. Is it possible that his father told him to respond with that line to anyone questioning him about his time there?
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groisamomma




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 7:23 am
amother wrote:
From my perspective, it just sounds like he's saying that being away made him appreciate his mother.
Now, if you are worried that he's being mistreated at his father's house, I might ask more specifically what he did. Be careful not to use leading questions, because some people pleasing kids will give the answer they think the grown-up wants to hear.


Then why the aunt?
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 7:25 am
If he wouldn't have remembered that he said that, he probably wasn't coached because he wouldn't remember the coaching either.

I don't get your question.
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carnation




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 10:28 am
Does the father have a history of manipulation or emotional abuse?
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ra_mom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 10:39 am
groisamomma wrote:
No reason an 8-year-old can't memorize lines. Is it possible that his father told him to respond with that line to anyone questioning him about his time there?

This. He's following the narrative of his father. I'd be weary.
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 10:50 am
It could also be an attempt at distraction. He knows you don't want to hear that he had a great time (if he did).
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 11:32 am
Yes the father has a history of being extremely controlling and terribly abusive. He also has a history of anger and negativity towards his son which is why my daughter is not too happy about her son going to his father.
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 11:45 am
amother wrote:
It could also be an attempt at distraction. He knows you don't want to hear that he had a great time (if he did).

Thats what I'm wondering.

Let him go again and after a few times you should be able to pick up a pattern. It sounds like he generally btreated him well. Maybe his parenting abilities have improved.
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nicole81




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 12:08 pm
Yes, he could have been coached. Or, just as likely, he might be uneasy sharing that he actually really enjoyed it. Kids in these situations often feel that they're betraying one parent when they say positive things about the other.

I would recommend making sure to say things like "I hope you have a great time at daddy's" and "I missed you and I love you, and I'm so glad to see you had fun!" And then take a wait and see approach. I think it will become clear within a short time if there's something to worry about.
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ohmygosh




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 12:24 pm
I think this is a very odd response, and yes I would be concerned. Especially with the history of the childs father. This is something to be examined further. You don't want the child to be going there and possibly suffering a trauma. Consult with a professional.
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amother




Tan


Post  Sun, Jan 27 2019, 12:39 pm
I have no answer but all I can say is that I so pity the child.

My son is in a similar situation. I consult with professionals. Though there isn't much I can do because his father is very manipulative and emotionaly abusive. He "fardrei's" my son's brain each time he visits. Each time it takes a few days with lots of one on one attention until he gets back to normal.

Poor kids.
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