Shiva dinner etiquette

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amother

Mustard

Sun, Jan 27 2019, 10:19 pm

My friend is sitting shiva and I will be going to be menachem avel this week. I’d like to make dinner for her family but am unsure if I should just bring it when I visit or ask someone if there is a roster.

What is the norm in this situation?

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Jan 27 2019, 10:31 pm

Generally there is a schedule and someone taking care of making sure that the aveilim end up with on dinner a night rather than 2 one night and none the next. Usually that person will also tell you how many people you would be cooking for and whether there are any allergies. It is worth it to call rather than just bringing food.

amother

Orange

Sun, Jan 27 2019, 10:34 pm

I would ask a family member. You don't want to bring food the same night as someone else. The family isn't just going to just be hoping that someone drops off food, so they usually order, or plan that someone is in charge of supper.

That's how we did it when my father sat.

ETA - also find out how many people you should bring for. The family members that are there all day helping out need to eat too, not just the ones that are sitting.

It's really nice of you to offer. I'm sure they will appreciate it more than you can imagine.

seeker

Mon, Jan 28 2019, 12:53 am

ASK. You don't want to end up inconveniencing them by giving them things they can't handle (because their fridge may be full from people who don't ask.) If they have lost a close family member and may feel out of it beyond shiva, you can say "I want to bring you supper one day, would you like it during shiva or should I send it next week?"

Orange amother, that's a good point about asking after family members. Especially if a parent of a family is sitting, it may be a big help to offer supper for their children rather than the people sitting shiva who may already be receiving a meal train or something.

Anyway, just ask. They will be happy you did, whether or not they take up the offer.

Ruchel

Mon, Jan 28 2019, 6:26 am

Ask. Often people bring nosh and no real food.

imasoftov

Mon, Jan 28 2019, 8:12 am

My shul has someone who organizes food for shivas to make sure that the family gets meals that they can use and I recommend that if your shul doesn't have one, I recommend that they do this..

amother

Cyan

Mon, Jan 28 2019, 8:41 am

Everyone just brought stuff over when I was sitting. It was haphazard, and we froze what we didn't eat. Shabbos was taken care of. We had Sunday morning bagels which I really appreciated.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jan 28 2019, 8:49 am

My experience was different. A friend organized meals for us. When other people brought food it was shoved in the fridge or freezer, along with leftovers from many meals. The fridge and freezer were crammed. After shiva we threw a massive amount of food out, which felt awful, and frankly, was a lot of work for the day after shiva. (Its minhag that you don't remove the food from a shiva house.) Please don't bring meals without asking.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jan 28 2019, 8:52 am

PS I like Seeker''s idea of offering to.do it the week after shiva. That's a hard week for aveilim, and it would have been.much appreciated. But again --pretty please ask for how many and if they have any food restrictions. Please.

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