Do they think I don't know he is obese?!?

amother

Mint

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 9:28 am

Was just at another family simcha- and at least 3 family members said to me, dh really needs to lose weight, or he is so unhealthy, or you know so and so was on a diet and lost a lot of weight you should talk to them. This is coming from my parents , his parents and an aunt. Really- do they think I don't see it, do they think he doesn't see it- and besides, doctor said all dh bloodwork coming back fine etc. yes he needs to lose the weight, yes his body hurts and joints ache, he knows, he is trying, its just not working. And for the record from the majority of people that I know that unfortunately past away young, they were all fit and exercised every day! I guess they are well intentioned, but it just hurts and I just bite my tongue, but really its terrible to hear it all the time- every time we see them they bring it up. I don't want to be disrespectful, but its gotta stop. Sooo frustrasting!!

ectomorph

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 9:37 am

I can very much sympathize with comments about health. One of my kids has some medical issues and people are always coming up with helpful advice about it. I try to see that it's coming from a good and loving place on their part that they care about me and my child. And I try not to get irritated by the assumption that I wouldn't have done basic research.

amother

Coral

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 12:08 pm

My father in law would make snide remarks about DH's weight (and he's not obese, just overweight). I had a talk with him and set him straight. Now he doesn't open his mouth anymore...
I mean really, I'm his wife. I'm the only one who should nag him to lose weight!

ShishKabob

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 12:12 pm

The road to he ll is paved with good intentions. It does hurt. a lot
You can answer: Last time I checked, my vision was doing ok. I see that your vision is ok too. You can say it in a joking manner because sometimes you can avoid hurtful situations by making a joke out of it. If they insist that it's not healthy and so on, you can give them his phone number so that he can hear the information first hand.
Good luck! I hope the hurtful comments stop.

amother

Mint

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 12:32 pm

amother wrote:

I was thinking of saying I love my big cuddly teddy bear he keeps me warm and toasty on cold nights but dont have the guts. What did u say?

amother

Mint

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 12:43 pm

Its sooo frustrating and yes its his parents, but the guy is 50 years old, you have told him all his life he is fat even when he wasn't..and mil is not so thin herself that she should be saying anything.
Its his body and I have no control over how his body works even though he eats healthy etc. Its a lifestyle change that has to be made and its easier said than done when there are so many bills tuition etc.
People assume because of his degree its easy street they have no clue.
Dh is well aware of all of it. Whats the best way to say mind hour own business stop bugging me, what you are saying is hurtful.

ShishKabob

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 12:48 pm

I would say just that.
Mom, you have told him his whole life that he's fat. Do you think anythings gonna change at 50? I would say it in a joking way so the pressure is taken off a little
And aren't you lucky that I love him to pieces anyway even if he's fat?

gingertop

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 1:02 pm

It's extremely frustrating and patronizing when people see an obvious problem or suggest an extremely obvious solution to a problem. These captain obviouses make you feel so stupid, like you didn't do the basics to care for your loved ones.
I can't count how many times people asked me if I did a very basic treatment plan for dc. We did, it didn't work. But what do you think? That I would have just allowed dc to remain sick without trying standard medical procedure?

ETA: Ectomorph, I see we said the same thing in different words.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 1:11 pm

OP, I really feel for you and DH. On one hand, it's hard when you see someone you care about, and you worry about their health. Especially a parent, because DH will always be their baby, and nothing will ever change that.

Aside from reassuring them about the doctor's good reports, remind them that constant comments are depressing. Depression makes your body release chemicals that lock in fat and make it impossible to lose weight. The only way they can help is to stay happy and not make it an issue.

I grew up with a mother who was overweight, and by the time she passed away she weighed 300 pounds, and she was only 5 feet tall. Her parents hounded her constantly from the times she was a little girl, and she hated herself her entire life. I saw how much their attitudes sank into her into her whole world view, and it broke my heart.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 1:33 pm

OP, this is so painful! My husband struggles with his weight and is now morbidly obese. Why otherwise intelligent people can say such stupid things when it comes to weight I will never understand.

When it's famy friends I have no problem putting them in their place. But when it's his parents I don't know what to say. So I stay quiet. I want to say that a large part of his eating problems stem from his mother but I am too respectful to actually say it.

And to the other amother, my mil has been calling my husband fat even when he was thin! When we got married his stomach was flat. Nothing hanging over his belt. And she still thought he was fat. Well now 20 years later he sure is fat now! It really makes me hate her!! She tries to draw me into saying negative things about my DH and I refuse to. I love him. End of story. But you can't imagine the things she has said about him to me. It makes me so angry!!!

amother

Mint

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 1:49 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I love ur last line!

Cheiny

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 2:56 pm

amother wrote:

I know it’s very disheartening and painful when people, especially close relatives make you feel stupid by telling you the obvious, as if you’re not aware. The only way not to take it personally is by repeatedly reminding yourself, it’s only because they’re concerned and they care!

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 3:00 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I don't think there's any benefit to bringing up his current health status. While it's wonderful that he's healthy right now, being obese does in fact put him at risk for many health issues. Talking about how healthy he is right now just sounds like you're in denial.

The truth is, what you're dealing with is painful and doesn't have an easy fix. I would probably just nod and say "I know." It's coming from a place of concern, but it's the opposite of helpful, and they just can't keep their mouth shut. Hug

amother

Olive

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 3:13 pm

I have been overweight my whole life and I know just what you mean, it never stops, they really think they are being loving and caring when the reality is that they are only hurting.

If you want to be nice I would say "Thank you for your concern, but I know that DH's weight is a very personal issue for him and he is aware of the problem. I think its probably more hurtful than helpful for us to be talking about him. So let's just give it a rest." Of course she will continue and then just repeat "Its very hurtful to constantly point out other people's flaws, so let's stop doing that." etc. etc. I think saying "we" and "us" and including yourself in it makes it much softer than the you you you.

If that doesn't work then I guess you just have to be more direct, but at that point you can say look, I tried to be nice about it but you continue to insult us, its my husband and I love him and you are hurting him by constantly talking about his weight so stop because you are doing real damage to our relationship.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 4:14 pm

I'm sorry

something to keep I n mind. it can be due to their own baggage. my dd is an athletic built so she is considered overweight, possibly even obese. she takes after my dh who takes after my MIL. my mil worries about both, my dh worries about my dd...

amother

Blue

Wed, Jan 30 2019, 6:34 pm

amother wrote:

this is the worst...it has really affected my marriage. I have tears reading this...

amother

Seashell

Thu, Jan 31 2019, 1:26 am

Hugs, OP - and anyone else on this thread who needs them.

I have a relative who is obese and genuinely does not eat enough to cause that degree of obesity. What helped him was a dietitian's blend of diet and exercise, also treating his sleep apnea. And bariatric surgery.

I say "is obese" because he's lapsed, but we couldn't believe it when he did lose the weight, because we had assumed it was impossible.