Tuition Assistance and SAHM's

amother

Bisque

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:10 pm

dankbar wrote:

When you take on a job all these things you have to take into the equation. Arrange babysitting, who will take care of them on off days or when sick....if finanancially, job is worth it, after babysitting expenses. Why is it the responsibility of the sahm to take care of your kids? When there is off from school, they are already having their own large family home, & being that they are sahm, why shouldn't they spend family time, just because your kids nebech can't have their own parents home to spend time with....it is your choice to go work that day or spend family time with them them.

OP makes it sound like it's an aveirah for mom not to work. It's community thing...by some, most moms with large families are home & the ones that need to work, are the nebech & some communities it's the thing, that women must work, if not they fall out of society....people start thinking either they're lazy, rich or mentally ill....come on, give everyone a break!

OP, I understand that it's frustrating for you to find someone to watch your kids yet again, but it is your responsibility, no one else's

I didn't read OP like that at all. Sheesh.

Sometimes we are really good at being a community and looking for / after each other.... and sometimes we're all 'each man for himself'.

dankbar

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:10 pm

If there is a week vacation, sahm is having all her 5 kids home all week, entertaining them, feeding them all day, cleaning up the messes all day & settling their fights....that all week. Maybe she is the one that needs the break after that, when working women didn't have to deal with all this, all week. I understand that maybe one day she would do a favor & take her friends one kid along when she goes on a nice outing or is baking cupcakes with her kids....but every day? All of her friends five kids? Her own five are not enough? She needs ten on her head to deal with all alone? The working woman doesn't understand because she's not home with her kids all day like the sahm.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:19 pm

dankbar wrote:

Huh?

where did you get from OPs post what you just posted.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:23 pm

amother wrote:

In the school my sibling went to every parent had a "tuition" amount they were responsible. There were no breaks except for substantial hardship (death of a parent etc.) Parents were responsible for this amount no matter what. They could either raise the tuition through donations, pay the tuition themselves in the normal way, or they could perform community service for the school. For instance, some parents volunteered in a major way for extracurricular activities (sports coach, play head), they volunteered as substitute teachers, the repainted the building.
There wasn't really a sense of shame associated with it. It just was they way it was. I think this was a more fair way of dealing with tuition.
OTOH I think that a women who voluntarily decides to stay home (not because they are on bedrest etc.) should not get the full tuition break she may get if the income was the same and they were both working. IMO wanting to run your home in the way you feel is ideal and therefore staying home is ridiculous. If you can afford to do so and still pay full tuition, great. If not, there should be some way of making it up.

I agree with OTOH... If I'm working really hard to pay my childrens tuition plus part of your tuition, there better be a really good reason that you're staying home! I don't need to know the reason, but the school needs to know so they can decide whether it's a good enough reason to make someone else pay for your bill!

aliavi

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:32 pm

[quote="chicco"]But that's exactly my point. We don't know if and what they are "choosing." The reality is, in most cases they are doing what they can do. There's an automatic assumption there that there is a luxury that isn't being earned and therefore something is owed. Everybody's personal circumstances apply to them, and them only.

If I looked at my full tuition payments as having anything to do with anyone else other than my family (ie, me paying for someone else), I would be resentful. But it is irrelevant. I look at it that I pay for my kids. And when I need something, that is a function of my lifestyle not anyone else's, and it is my job to figure it out, people don't owe me.

This is why communism doesn't work. All things are not equal, and all circumstances are not the same. We do the best we can.[/quote

It seems your impression is that mothers that aren’t working, aren’t doing so because they can’t. This is not reflective of my experience.

I think people should stay home because they choose it and choose to make that lifestyle work for them, including having less disposable income. I personally have both worked and stayed home. I didn’t owe anyone anything extra either way as a result of my choice.

chicco

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:43 pm

[quote="aliavi"]

chicco wrote:

But that's exactly my point. We don't know if and what they are "choosing." The reality is, in most cases they are doing what they can do. There's an automatic assumption there that there is a luxury that isn't being earned and therefore something is owed. Everybody's personal circumstances apply to them, and them only.

If I looked at my full tuition payments as having anything to do with anyone else other than my family (ie, me paying for someone else), I would be resentful. But it is irrelevant. I look at it that I pay for my kids. And when I need something, that is a function of my lifestyle not anyone else's, and it is my job to figure it out, people don't owe me.

This is why communism doesn't work. All things are not equal, and all circumstances are not the same. We do the best we can.[/quote

It seems your impression is that mothers that aren’t working, aren’t doing so because they can’t. This is not reflective of my experience.

I think people should stay home because they choose it and choose to make that lifestyle work for them, including having less disposable income. I personally have both worked and stayed home. I didn’t owe anyone anything extra either way as a result of my choice.

I'm not sure where you got that from. My point is that your choices and your lifestyle is your responsibility, and more than that, you don't know the ins and outs of others' choices and lifestyles, and that's their business/responsibility.

Obviously kol areivim zeh lzeh, so if you can help someone else go for it! But you have no right to demand specific things from people based on your perception of their lifestyle and how that affects you.

aliavi

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 10:52 pm

chicco wrote:

These points I can agree with.

flowerpower

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 11:15 pm

You have no idea why people are sahms!!! I can list you ten reasons in a second!

1- after paying day care and sitters she’s left with zero extra dollars
2- she is battling an illness not seen to the public eye
3- she’s dealing with a sick child r”l that needs constant care
4- she has 1 or more children that need a lot of therapy that she has to take to during the day
5- she can’t find a decent job
6- she hates working and it would make her life a disaster- coming home to no supper, food shopping, strength for the kids etc
7- she had to quit because the long commute was really getting to her
8- you get my drift... I don’t want to bore you with more examples

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 11:17 pm

flowerpower wrote:

People really have no idea. My own family thought I was living on easy street that had no idea whats going on

amother

White

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 11:30 pm

what an odd odd thread. and an entitled one. No one owes you anything in life. just cuz you pay full tuition and work why on earth do you think a sahm mother owes you babysitting time? They dont owe you anything period. Their tuition break is between them and the school.

Your tuition is betwen you and the school.
as a chessed its a very nice thing for people to help each other out. but to be mandatory-in a "you owe me kind of way cuz I work and you dont" is just-- so absurd I cant even wrap my head around it. and Im a working mother.
I dont even get how you came UP with this idea. do you stare at all the mothers at carpool time and wonder which ones dont work and which ones get a tuition break? and feel jealous of them?

dankbar

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 11:33 pm

amother wrote:

In which Torah does it say that that you don't have to make a decent effort to pay your tuition bill?

Who says the effort & hishtadlus has to fall on the woman....if the husband is working it's enough of an hishtadlus to show Hashem that you want parnasa & you have a vessel from where the bracha should come forth.

amother

White

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 11:35 pm

amother wrote:

absurd! Mind your own business! You pay tuition for your own kids end of story. trust me you aint getting a phone call from your school one day- "Hi, a family we had been giving a tuition break to suddenly started to pay their full bill. as a result we can now lower your tuition bill every month."
Please.

mothers that want to stay home because they want to be able to be with their kids- that is a good enough reason!! but regardless of any reasons- it really makes no difference to you!

amother

Blonde

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 11:36 pm

dankbar wrote:

Is that your own chiddush, or a psak you were given?

amother

Bisque

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 11:41 pm

amother wrote:

not nice.

southernbubby

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 12:22 am

amother wrote:

If enough people pay their tuition, the teachers might actually get paid. Some of my long stints of bubby school were due to teacher strikes that affected the economy of much of the community. The money has to come from somewhere.

aliavi

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 12:26 am

dankbar wrote:

If a woman can help out with parnasa + manage her home & kids properly kol hakavod for her. Not every woman is cut out for working + running a home well with a large family. It's more of what your priorities, community norms, expectations are.

There are many women that would like to be home and raising a larger family than they have but do not do so because they recognize the realities of finances. They may have larger gaps between children because of childcare costs.

Even if her husband works, it may be beneficial financially and sensible for her to do so as well. A couple should evaluate the options and accept the disadvantages of that option.