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Advice re unmarried sister and mother.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 5:59 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
In my world a young adult that age would be off at college staying up til all hours talking to friends. 11 pm is early for most people that age. Not even being allowed to talk to friends at night would be stifling I would think.


For good reason college age kids move out.
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amother




Purple


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 6:16 pm
Forget about the house rules. What I can't wrap my head around and find controlling is a mother TAKING AWAY something from an ADULT child that is engaged!!! As if she's a little kid!! This is so wrong on so many levels!!
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sequoia




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 6:18 pm
amother wrote:
Forget about the house rules. What I can't wrap my head around and find controlling is a mother TAKING AWAY something from an ADULT child that is engaged!!! As if she's a little kid!! This is so wrong on so many levels!!


Yes
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naomi2




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 7:42 pm
Stop giving her phones. You are wasting your time and money if she can't figure out a way to speak quietly after 11pm or avoid getting the phones taken away.
Also its disrespectful to your mother.
Not that your mother right, but that's irrelevant .
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SixOfWands




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 7:57 pm
amother wrote:
Chayalle, your 20 year old daughter never talks on the phone at night past 11??


Not Chayalle, but my kids use their phones at hours I consider obscene. But they do it quietly, so I don't hear them. I did the same back in my day.

Being loud and disruptive would be disrespectful.

But demanding that an engaged woman not use the phone later in the day -- by first disabling the regular phone, then confiscating cell phones -- is overly controlling.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 8:51 pm
amother wrote:
Forget about the house rules. What I can't wrap my head around and find controlling is a mother TAKING AWAY something from an ADULT child that is engaged!!! As if she's a little kid!! This is so wrong on so many levels!!


If my child couldn't figure out how to have a quiet phone conversation - she wouldn't be getting engaged.
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amother




Burlywood


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 9:08 pm
On the flip side, I think it's immature of the kallah to keep asking for another phone when she knows her mother doesn't allow it. She already took away several of them. Why can't the daughter have an open conversation with her mother and come to an agreement rather than hiding it and playing games behind her mothers back...
The sister should not keep giving new phones until a mutual agreement has been made between mother and daughter.
It's wrong of a mother to take away the phones from an adult child but it seems like the kallah is not mature anough to handle a cellphone.
I don't feel it's right for her to get herself a phone until discussed and agreed by parents.
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sequoia




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 9:25 pm
amother wrote:

It's wrong of a mother to take away the phones from an adult child but it seems like the kallah is not mature anough to handle a cellphone.


Then she is definitely not mature enough to enter into a relationship for life, run a household, and parent children. Yet she is about to do all of that.

Maybe I shouldn’t comment because the cultural differences are too vast. It’s like bizarro world...
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:22 pm
No stereotyping....there are all type of people all over!
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:25 pm
I have an adult child,living home & no way can I control a single thing he does.
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amother




Oak


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:25 pm
Chassidish here.

Something is very wrong with the mom and daughter relationship. At this age, if DD wants a phone, even if mom disagrees, she can have it. Apparently the mother didn't convince the daughter that her way of chinnuch is good for DD.

I wonder if the mother ever explained to DD in a calm way that her calls are disrupting everyone's sleep. Perhaps her mother can explain that she should rather text. Perhaps mom can say that she understands how hard it must be, but because she shares a room with 2 siblings.. it's just not an option. Basically, get DD to AGREE.

Mom doesn't care if she bothers daughter with the phone policies at all. DD doesn't care if everyone wakes up. Being inconsiderate is being TAUGHT (by example) in this home.
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amother




Purple


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:34 pm
If the daughter isnt "allowed" to have a cell phone, (which is very acceted in the chassidish world by now), mom shouldn't unhook the phone. That's just not fair to the kids.
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nchr




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:41 pm
amother wrote:
If the daughter isnt "allowed" to have a cell phone, (which is very acceted in the chassidish world by now), mom shouldn't unhook the phone. That's just not fair to the kids.


Acceptance varies according to the community and other standards. Less common in Monsey and Monroe than in BP and Williamsburg. Less common among fronts and shpitzels than bands and open shaitels. More common after a wedding. Also, why is it not fair to have a phone unplugged after 11pm? Why would other kids, who are presumably younger than the kallah, need to use the phone then?
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:46 pm
A phone should always be available for emergencies!

What mom is never by a wedding at 11 pm & kids at home babysitting? So they can't use phone either then to speak to friends or to call mom....
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amother




Purple


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:48 pm
Nchr, why are you saying that girls having cell phones is not accepted in Monsey?? I live in monsey and AFAIK, it is accepted, even among high school girls.
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nchr




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:48 pm
dankbar wrote:
A phone should always be available for emergencies!

What mom is never by a wedding at 11 pm & kids at home babysitting? So they can't use phone either then to speak to friends or to call mom....


I don't agree with this. At 11pm most people are sleeping. Maybe the rule doesn't apply when the mother is out? There are neighbors and what kind of emergencies are you talking about and do you really expect them to happen just when a mother is at a chasuna? Totally don't understand your hysterics.

amother wrote:
Nchr, why are you saying that girls having cell phones is not accepted in Monsey?? I live in monsey and AFAIK, it is accepted, even among high school girls.


I said less accepted in Monsey and Monroe than in BP and Williamsburg. Percentage wise, IME, less chassidish girls from standard schools in Monsey and Monroe have cell phones than those in the City. I did not conduct a thorough investigation, but it is what I've seen. There is also no real reason for a Chassidish girl to have a cell phone, not that I have an issue with that. My parents have a "family phone" for when someone goes out, but it is not available for personal use or to chat with friends when home.
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yksraya




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:55 pm
amother wrote:
Nchr, why are you saying that girls having cell phones is not accepted in Monsey?? I live in monsey and AFAIK, it is accepted, even among high school girls.

Yeah, it's kind of more common for monroe and monsey girls to have cell phones than for bp or willi girls (talking abt satmar girls specifically).
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nchr




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:57 pm
yksraya wrote:
Yeah, it's kind of more common for monroe and monsey girls to have cell phones than for bp or willi girls (talking abt satmar girls specifically).


Okay so I guess that was based on experience. All of the post high school girls in my family from Monsey and Monroe do not have cellphones and about half of those from Williamsburg do. Sorry.
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yksraya




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 11:02 pm
nchr wrote:
Okay so I guess that was based on experience. All of the post high school girls in my family from Monsey and Monroe do not have cellphones and about half of those from Williamsburg do. Sorry.

My high school sister, most of her classmates have cell phones, unrelated if the mother wears shpitzel or not. And that's high school girls.

Some of my post high school nieces have one too, one of them is from ultra frum torahdig home. They have simple flip phone.

Most working girls here, especially kallahs have phones.
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amother




Salmon


Post  Wed, Feb 06 2019, 11:17 pm
Satmar williamsburg here, my high school sister has a cellphone and so do all her friends and many girls in her grade.

My sisters in law from Monroe have cellphones too. Both high school and graduate.
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