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Talking to teenagers about relations
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malki2




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 8:14 am
Ruchel wrote:
Some passages are definitely skipped over - even in kollel, two groups for married and unmarried.

But they get some inkling though it doesn't help for practical.


From what I understand, in Litvishe yeshivos they don’t skip over anything, although the rebbeim may not discuss the topics explicitly. Maybe for Chasidim it is different.

As my husband’s rebbi instructed him, it is better for them to get educated regarding these issues early, so the education is already set in their minds when the taavos hit and they know what to expect. Also, you would be surprised what kids pick up from their friends. Better to hear it straight from their fathers, especially if they have a good relationship with their fathers.
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oliveoil




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 9:59 am
There have been more than enough threads on here by people who weren't taught anything and the extreme damage that did. That should be proof enough of the importance...
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amother




Sienna


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 10:29 am
I think it's good to talk about it. It doesn't have to be "the talk" in a formal setting. They can be on an errand in the car (easiest, no eye contact), or taking a walk etc., and just have your husband bring it up casually. Ask what he knows, if he has any questions.
It might even be reassuring to have someone validate that it's normal if he's thinking about it all the time, or how to control his desires, or just to clarify some things that he might have gotten wrong by listening to his friends.
It's always good when parents instill in their kids the feeling that they can come to their parents with any problems, or talk about anything, and they don't need to feel shame.
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amother




Gold


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 11:04 am
Basically, everyone resisting this is convincing themselves that their child will be the one who will remain completely sheltered until marriage age, at which point he will be taught the Torah view and live happily ever after. Now, that certainly is the case for some boys. However, they are more likely to be in the group of boys who are exposed at some point, and the means and level of exposure can't be predicted. So decide if you're willing to roll the dice on that one.
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amother




Amber


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 11:19 am
so curious- at what do people do it?
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 12:16 pm
I don't have boys, OP, but I can tell you that with my girls, I just told them straight out. No special way, just an explanation of what happens, where, that it's for marriage, that it's a positive thing, and that they will learn more in terms of Halacha and Hashkafa as Kallahs. I also asked if they have any other questions, and answered them.

I'm trying to remember how old they were, I think like 13 or 14.
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amother




Amber


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 2:11 pm
chayelle- did they know yet when you said something? I knew by 5th grade in a MO school. My 8 year old in a community school was introduced to the word crush in school this year. I'm wondering when I would have to tell her to teach her before her friends do? She already knows about ovulation... just not the man's role in it.
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ra_mom




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 2:31 pm
It's super important. OP, you are doing the right thing by speaking to him about it.

If you need help figuring out how to go about it, just ask us here.


Last edited by ra_mom on Fri, Feb 08 2019, 2:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Seashell


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 2:38 pm
I do talk to my boys about it, we already have a more emotional relationship than they do with my husband. DH also talks to them. It’s not so important WHO does it as much as that it is done.

BTW, it’s not a one-time conversation, it’s an ongoing discussion.
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 3:09 pm
amother wrote:
chayelle- did they know yet when you said something? I knew by 5th grade in a MO school. My 8 year old in a community school was introduced to the word crush in school this year. I'm wondering when I would have to tell her to teach her before her friends do? She already knows about ovulation... just not the man's role in it.


Sort of. One DD was the type that asked questions, like how do babies look like their fathers, and her questions lead the conversation. One was the clueless, accepting type, and she got to an age where I realized I better tell her some things so that she doesn't embarrass herself by saying something clueless....

I don't think you have to tell your child at this age if she isn't asking questions.
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 3:11 pm
sequoia wrote:
Ugh Ruchel gross
No one in Europe was engaged at 14


You’re quite wrong,
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amother




Amber


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 3:12 pm
theres definitely been questions that I've said "when you are older" and others that I've answered like she knows how babies come out...but is 8 too young to be explaining marital intimacy? just seems young.
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amother




Ivory


Post  Fri, Feb 08 2019, 4:56 pm
Elisheva Liss, a therapist I have seen recommended on here a few times, recently wrote an interesting blog post addressing the importance of educating kids about relations. https://nefesh.org/ElishevaLis.....-help.html
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essie14




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Feb 09 2019, 11:45 am
amother wrote:
Elisheva Liss, a therapist I have seen recommended on here a few times, recently wrote an interesting blog post addressing the importance of educating kids about relations. https://nefesh.org/ElishevaLis.....-help.html

This is excellent! Thank you for sharing!
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amother




Cyan


Post  Sat, Feb 09 2019, 6:37 pm
oliveoil wrote:
There have been more than enough threads on here by people who weren't taught anything and the extreme damage that did. That should be proof enough of the importance...




Can you give an example of "the extreme damage"? I'm not talking about chassidish boys who without "the talk" might know nothing. I'm talking about boys who will certainly by age 15 know the basics, but might not be clear on many things.
My friend told me that her dh told their then 15 year old a few years ago. The boy said he knew what sx was but asked questions like, is it noisy, when do you do it, do you do it in the house or do you have to go to shul. My dh told me when he was 12 he had an erctiion and literally thought it would explode and something was very wrong. I'm kind of in between as to whether this should all be explained or just to rely on the idea that these type of boys will certainly figure it out on their own.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Sat, Feb 09 2019, 8:58 pm
Little boys have been getting hard since they're babies. Why did he think he would explode?
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ra_mom




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Feb 09 2019, 9:05 pm
amother wrote:
Little boys have been getting hard since they're babies. Why did he think he would explode?

It's a different sensation, on the way to clim@x, once they reach puberty.
They need to be prepared for it.
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essie14




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Feb 09 2019, 11:05 pm
amother wrote:
Can you give an example of "the extreme damage"? I'm not talking about chassidish boys who without "the talk" might know nothing. I'm talking about boys who will certainly by age 15 know the basics, but might not be clear on many things.
My friend told me that her dh told their then 15 year old a few years ago. The boy said he knew what sx was but asked questions like, is it noisy, when do you do it, do you do it in the house or do you have to go to shul. My dh told me when he was 12 he had an erctiion and literally thought it would explode and something was very wrong. I'm kind of in between as to whether this should all be explained or just to rely on the idea that these type of boys will certainly figure it out on their own.

If you want your kids to “figure it out” with their own misonconceptions, from their friends misconceptions, and from p0rn, then don’t have “the talk” (really, a series of talks).
But if you want your kids to have the right hashkafa, the right details, and not be shamed into thinking they’re bad for having feelings towards the opposite gender, then you need to be the ones to educate them.

Extreme damage is men and women having major s-xual problems that can last years because of myths they heard when they were young, or the trauma of going from 0-100 on the wedding night.
Please read the Elisheva Liss article posted above.
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amother




Seashell


Post  Sun, Feb 10 2019, 3:59 am
Another aspect of extreme damage is when kids pick up the non-Jewish attitude that relations are a dirty or sinful pleasure, or at least certainly unholy. If they discover it on their own, with the attendant guilty feelings, that is probably what they will think. If they learn it from books, videos, or friends that is almost certainly what they will think.

Although priests do not marry, a Kohen Gadol MUST be married to do the Avodah - to the extent that a backup wife was picked before Yom Kippur in case his wife would pass away.

Trying to change a 10-year entrenched negative attitude about intimacy in the space of Kallah or Chosson classes is a hopeless task. It took me quite a few years and I still can't say I've totally overcome it.

Do your children a favor and be the first one to educate them about these matters.
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malki2




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Feb 10 2019, 4:29 am
amother wrote:
Another aspect of extreme damage is when kids pick up the non-Jewish attitude that relations are a dirty or sinful pleasure, or at least certainly unholy. If they discover it on their own, with the attendant guilty feelings, that is probably what they will think. If they learn it from books, videos, or friends that is almost certainly what they will think.

Although priests do not marry, a Kohen Gadol MUST be married to do the Avodah - to the extent that a backup wife was picked before Yom Kippur in case his wife would pass away.

Trying to change a 10-year entrenched negative attitude about intimacy in the space of Kallah or Chosson classes is a hopeless task. It took me quite a few years and I still can't say I've totally overcome it.

Do your children a favor and be the first one to educate them about these matters.


This.

I just want to add, OP said that she is pretty sure that her son knows already. If so, how are you sheltering him? You might as well find out what he knows and make sure that he has the correct understanding of it.
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