Teen girl sharing a bed with her mom

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Mustard

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 11:56 pm

Is it weird if a teen daughter (high school age) likes to sleep in the same bed as her (single) mom at night?
No anxiety or nightmares issues, just that the bed is bigger than her own.

amother

Purple

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 12:38 am

It’s...unusual. I wouldn’t encourage it. I don’t think it’s emotionally healthy for either one. You’re being naive if you believe for one minute that it has anything to do with the size of the bed. Most teens would sooner sleep in a doghouse as long as it’s all theirs.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 12:56 am

amother wrote:

Agree 100%.
I have 4 teenagers.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 8:22 am

amother wrote:

What could be the reasons?

thunderstorm

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 8:35 am

I shared a bunk bed with my mother all my teenage years and hated every minute of it. It was an invasion of my privacy and took away my freedom to sleep with my light off because she would read way into the night. I couldnt talk on the phone with my friends while lounging in my bed. I would not recommend it to anybody.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 8:40 am

To clarify, it's the daughter's choice. The mom isn't exactly fond of it.

amother

Royalblue

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 8:43 am

Its weird that a teen girl would want that and mom should not allow it, its inappropriate. Talk to her about why she wants to share a bed with mom.

thunderstorm

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 8:44 am

amother wrote:

To clarify, it's the daughter's choice. The mom isn't exactly fond of it.

Mother should keep her boundaries and not go for it IMO.
Daughter never plans to have sleepover friends?

oliveoil

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 8:58 am

There's no way this is just about the bed.

I'm not diagnosing, but there has to be some kind of anxiety or other issue at play here.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 10:27 am

thunderstorm wrote:

Mother should keep her boundaries and not go for it IMO.
Daughter never plans to have sleepover friends?

It doesn't happen every night.
Plenty of sleepover friends, she happily sleeps in her room then

little neshamala

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 10:50 am

Could she be nervous about sleeping alone? Does she have siblings?

yksraya

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 10:56 am

little neshamala wrote:

Could she be nervous about sleeping alone? Does she have siblings?

I second this one.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 1:36 pm

little neshamala wrote:

Could she be nervous about sleeping alone? Does she have siblings?

No siblings. She told me that her room is colder (true) and my bed is more comfortable (true - mine is queen and hers is twin)

ra_mom

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 1:40 pm

Is she getting enough uninitiated, just-because verbal and touch affection during the day?
Either way, it needs to be stopped. But she may need more positive interaction (time, affection, words) during the day.

zaq

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 2:01 pm

A twin bed is 39 inches wide. Queen is 60 inches wide, so 30 inches per person when shared. LESS elbow room than a twin. It’s not about the bed, OP. It’s not even about the temperature. You need to put a stop to this and you need to find out why your dd wants this. Clearly it IS about anxiety or loneliness or insecurity or some negative emotion, deny it though she will.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 2:42 pm

Her bed might be a bit smaller than a twin - the Jewish size, iirc. When she sleeps with mom, she pretty much has the whole bed lol
I hear about some need she has. She's an only child, so gets plenty of attention. Plus she isn't interested in snuggling in bed.

Sake

Fri, Feb 08 2019, 3:08 pm

When I was a teenager going through teen "stuff" my mother and I had a contentious relationship, she was ultra conservative and I was not. Climbing in her bed was a comfort to me, because when we were asleep, everything was ok and I felt safe and connected.

Reading between your lines, I see that mom is single and that makes me wonder if the loss of dad was traumatic, maybe not for mom, but for the daughter. Perhaps the daughter needs some help sorting her emotions and working through them. That was the case for me, and my mom did not recognize that.

I would not remove that "safe space" suddenly, but would start a larger conversation and build steps with my daughter to begin transitioning to an independant sleeping space. The "room is too cold" is a red herring to me. Something easier to say then "I'm scared"

amother

Hotpink

Sat, Feb 09 2019, 8:40 pm

Sake wrote:

This.

Spaghetti7

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 2:05 am

I don't know how to 'quote' but I would agree with what "Sake" wrote. It's not the ideal situation, but clearly there are some underlying issues (security, safety, emotional) which aren't being addressed which are the cause of this. To just say it's not appropriate and to stop it kind of just ignores those issues. Maybe mom could try and connect with the daughter on a deeper emotional level and try to get her to open up and talk about how she's feeling, that would be a step towards understanding and resolving it.

sarar

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 4:31 am

I disagree completely that this is a sign of something abnormal. I have two teenage daughters and they always ask me to sleep in my room (when my husband is out of town or on Sukkos). I almost never say yes but only because I get up very early and I don't want to have to worry about disturbing them in the morning. I have a very loving relationship with my daughters and they want to be around me. And they're independent in other ways and like normal teens, prefer to spend time with their friends rather than me, but when they're not with their friends, they like to be around me. Believe me, I don't encourage this behavior and I'm not the type to make my children into my friends but this is the way they are. As long as your daughter displays normal behavior for her age and she's not overly dependent on you, I don't see why it's a problem. That doesn't mean you have to say yes to her request but I don't see anything wrong with it. Obviously, many teenagers would have no interest in sleeping in the same room as their mother (including myself as a teenager) but that doesn't mean that this request is dysfunctional. It could just mean you have a loving relationship and she wants the closeness. Obviously, the fact that you're a single mother makes the whole scenario possible as well and it could be that she's closer to you than most teenagers due to you being the only parent around. I think many people think it's abnormal because mother-daughter conflict during the teen years is so common, but not for everyone. For various reasons, I have very little conflict with my teenagers.

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