S/o calling all nebachs!!!

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 2:38 am

So I am also a kind of nebach person. I am married with kids, but I still feel and probably look like a nebach for various reasons.

OP of the other thread I don't think you did anything wrong.

But what we nebs need is... Yeah I don't really know.

You can be a neb for divorce, infertility, poverty, disability, ugliness or any number of reasons.

Let's brainstorm how to recognize that a neb is still a Tzelem Elokim.

I mean we need, like everyone, to be treated with kindness, as if we are important to the world, and not a burden.

Because to paraphrase Rav Aryeh Kaplan, the reason that a person who is forced to take tzedaka feels so bad is because they see themselves as a Taker. And Hashem is a Giver. And it feels bad when we don't act "G-dly".

How can we all help each other feel like we are Giving? In other words, feel like we aee Needed? An essential valuable part of Creation?

Surrendered

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 2:52 am

You are a Nebach only as long as YOU FEEL like one. If you view yourself as a neb, your self image will mirror itself.
Your face as well, is public property. People will look at you the way you perceive yourself.
If you are confident and proud with yourself (and you act decent), people will see you as a sweet normal person.
I once asked someone, who is "THE NORMAL person", that we need to model? How do we know who is NORMAL...
She said, "Look into the mirror and you'll see her!!"
Everyone goes through situations that can make you feel and perceive yourself as a nebach case, it's absolutely totally up to you to decide if you want to be the nebach. It happens only if you see yourself as such.
If you go around smiling and acting as if life is dandy and good, people will see you as a special Andy normal person.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 2:54 am

Surrendered wrote:

You are a Nebach only as long as YOU FEEL like one. If you view yourself as a neb, your self image will mirror itself.
Your face as well, is public property. People will look at you the way you perceive yourself.
If you are confident and proud with yourself (and you act decent), people will see you as a sweet normal person.
I once asked someone, who is "THE NORMAL person", that we need to look up to and model? How do we know who is NORMAL...
She said, "Look into the mirror and you'll see her!!"
Everyone goes through situations that can make you feel and perceive yourself as a nebach case, it's absolutely totally up to you to decide if you want to be the nebach. It happens only if you see yourself as such.
If you go around smiling and acting as if life is dandy and good, people will see you as a special And normal person.

zaq

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 6:06 am

The way to lose that feeling is to learn that it isn’t about you. As my mom z”l used to say “nobody’s looking at you, you’re not that important.” The way to feel like a giver is to give, in whatever way you can. For one person it’s money, for another it’s time, for a third just encouragement or a smile and cheery greeting.

Nobody will think you’re a neb if you don’t give off neb vibes. For example, the substitute teacher/office worker could have said “ Still splitting my time between subbing for Board of Ed and working for Miles Equity. I love teaching different classes all the time, it keeps me on my toes and is never boring, and the office gives me a sense of stability to balance out the perpetual changes in teaching.” The way she expressed herself, desperately avoiding the truth rather than putting a good spin on it, is what made her come off as a neb. The way to lose that feeling is to learn that it isn’t about you. As my mom z”l used to say “nobody’s looking at you, you’re not that important.” The way to feel like a giver is to give, in whatever way you can. For one person it’s money, for another it’s time, for a third just encouragement or a smile and cheery greeting.

Nobody will think you’re a neb if you don’t give off neb vibes. For example, the substitute teacher/office worker could have said “ Still splitting my time between subbing for Board of Ed and working for Miles Equity. I love teaching different classes all the time, it keeps me on my toes and is never boring, and the office gives me a sense of stability to balance out the perpetual changes in teaching.” The way she expressed herself, desperately avoiding the truth rather than putting a good spin on it, is what made her come off as a neb.

While the OP of the original thread did nothing wrong, she lacks perception. Had she thought about it, she would harealized that her friend’s reaction was irrational, and taken that as a cue to change the subject.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 8:24 am

One way to not be a neb is to not be a neb. To marry young, have kids, have a great job, a nice house, stylish clothes, a second home in a popular location, dream vacations, and then your perfect kids get married young, have kids, and continue the cycle.

For those who don’t fit the above criteria, another way is to do what zaq suggested.
Put a positive spin on things. Put on bright lipstick and and an even brighter smile.
The upbeat little speech Zaq created for the older single substitute teacher is a work of art. But I understand why she didn’t say anything like that. Sometimes it’s hard to put on that show. Sometimes the pain comes through. Sometimes the situation wears you down and a positive spin is as elusive as snow in August.

So when you come across a neb, be kind and smart and try to think of something you can both talk about. It might even take the edge off the pain for a few minutes.

boots

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 8:59 am

All the posts about how ppl shouldn't see themselves as nebs are well and good but do not address the original question. If someone is projecting neb vibes how do we all (fellow nebs and non-nebs alike) get past the aura of nebitude to see the tzelem elokim within?

amother wrote:

Let's brainstorm how to recognize that a neb is still a Tzelem Elokim.

Tzadikim seem to do this naturally and the reason the rest of us struggle with it is that we are too blinded by chitzonius. The answer is become a tzaddik and you will easily see the tzelem elokim in every person you encounter and naturally treat them as such. Barring that I don't have an answer to the original question:

amother wrote:

How can we all help each other feel like we are Giving? In other words, feel like we aee Needed? An essential valuable part of Creation?

amother

Brunette

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 9:04 am

crust wrote:

Can anyone post a link to the original thread?

Btw OP I am a real neb. By choice.

I think we’ll have to define neb.
Nobody chooses infertility, foreclosure on their house, or kids in their thirties who aren’t married. Those things come from God the same as their opposites.
If by neb you mean you’re still wearing the same boots you wore in high school and carrying a no name pocketbook, I’ll join your neb club.

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 9:18 am

I disagree with nebach being a choice.
I may not appear to be a nebach on the outside. I live in a nice home drive nice cars husband makes a good living I don’t work. I have beautiful family. However; my father is in jail, I suffer from severe emotional issues, my siblings and parents are dysfunctional, I have an eating disorder and a lot more. Only my inner circle of friends know this.
Please don’t say that it’s a choice. Hashem gave me what I think of as a heavier package then most people.

wantavaca

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 10:56 am

I’m going through hell right now and could easily become a nebach.
But... I am focusing on building myself up, enriching my life, being the best person I can be, looking beautiful, becoming grateful and happy etc etc So therefore despite the nebach circumstances that are taking over my life now, I walk around feeling like a proud hero.
Everything in life is what you make of it.
I would say the big antidotes to being a nebach would have to be gratitude and taking care of yourself in every way to feel and act your best.

Surrendered

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 11:14 am

As I mentioned earlier, all of us are going through very major challenges now. Without going into detail, I too am going through alot now. But I choose to wear a smile all the time (at least in public), compliment others and very much try to focus on the good in my life. I also make an effort to look nice and put together. I do my face every day for 'myself', because if I look good I feel good. It gives me confidence. My tzelem elokim shines through this way. (With my smile) and trying to cope Minute by Minute.
I don't say Baruch Hashem yom yom, I say bh Rega Rega.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 11:19 am

Amother Royalblue, going through a hard time and having issues does NOT make one a nebach. EVERYONE has issues, we can all be nebachs. Bh it seems like you've done well for yourself & you have such bracha in your life. It seems like you have the means to get help with your issues, So please do! Count your blessings instead of focusing on your problems & you wont be such a nebach anymore.

zaq

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

You may have unfortunate aspects to your life but you’re not a neb if no one can tell. Clearly you don’t project nebby vibes. A neb is, to me, not a person with severe challenges but a person filled with self-pity who wants pity from everyone else. If you reject pity and do your darnedest to project serenity and competence. you are not a neb.

Your life circumstances are not a choice; how you present yourself in society is. And nebbiness or lack thereof are all about presentation.

zaq

Tue, Feb 12 2019, 1:19 pm

wantavaca wrote:

You go, girl!