How to say no when family invites themselves

Cheiny

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:52 am

amother wrote:

I really understand you because I have a similar situation with a parent -- except the self-invitation extends to close to two months! I do not think I would say no to a two-day visit, as hard and unpleasant as it may be. But I am not sure what to do when my mother insists on coming every year to stay with us for nearly two months at a time, and then expects that I have a daily 'plan' for her, which typically consists of me having to drive her around places going shopping. I work (although not every day) and have responsibilities towards my children, my husband and house keeping, but she still expects me to entertain her, and makes me feel guilty when I can't or won't. Sigh. I know I have a kibud Em responsibility, but torn among all my other responsibilities, and sometimes also just needing time for myself, without having to give an account on when and where I am going and when I will be back and available to take her places...

A relative of mine had a similar issue with her mom and she was told by a Rov that all you describe are NOT what’s required to fulfill kibud em! The real Halacha is just to see that parents are being fed and clothed; the rov said she should make herself busy and spend time away from the house as much as possible so she won’t be stuck having to be with her mom so much.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:53 am

amother wrote:

So I just had to address this because he is the type of step parent that very much differentiates between his biological child and step children. Not only in terms of things like gifts and financial support (his biological child is on a free ride at an expensive college, DH got nothing) but he outright calls his biological child his "real" child.

Anyway I found out that the reason he isn't going is because he has to work chol hamoed.

They live in a community where the rabbis' families would definitely invite him and they have such large sedarim that he wouldn't be very noticed. We don't invite guests for sedarim.

You clearly don’t want to have him and you say he has other options. So then say no if that’s what you want. I would ask my LOR. But if you don’t want to don’t. Think you are looking for validation from amamothers that you are doing the right thing or how to say no.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:54 am

To answer your question OP, tell him you're sorry but it doesn't work out for you.

Try hard not to get into a conversation about details, reasons, etc...those usually backfire and make the person MORE, not LESS, upset.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 11:19 am

Cheiny wrote:

Interesting. I was considering asking my Rav about this, but felt uncomfortable. I do not wish to look like a 'bad daughter', and I do not want to shame my mother when she comes to shul to daven and we encounter the Rav. Every year, it seems to get just worse, with her asking me to take her to the mall Erev yum tov, or shop with her on Amazon Erev Yum Kippur, when we are all preparing for the fast. If I say that I do not have the time, she sulks and makes me feel horrible. I am also concerned that my children should see a proper example for Kibud Em. If I cannot take her shopping, she starts exhibiting medical symptoms, and then I have to take her to doctors and to run (in many cases) unnecessary imagining tests. When the results come back negative, she is suspicious and wants to see a different doctor. Yes, it is a disorder, and this attention seeking behavior has always been there, but now that she is alone, it has been getting worse. Because she does have a medical history as well, it is hard to know when things are real, and when she is 'just crying wolf', so my siblings and I always take her for medical assessments, just to rule things out. Because she lives out of the USA,the bulk of this responsibility falls on my siblings. However, they do not get to be with her 24/7 for nearly two months straight, so they do not know what it is like for me, and how stressful it gets. By the time she leaves after the holidays are over, I am exhausted both physically and emotionally, and resistant to the idea of hosting anyone for the next several months.

To be fair, when she is here, she also tries to help by doing some light cooking, and mending things, but she expects much in return. She also forgets how old I am, and asks me if I davened today, and in general have suggestions on when and how I should run things. My husband is very patient with her, which is truly admirable, but he is not as affected by her frequent criticism, and she mostly asks me for things and leave him alone.

On her last visit, my husband and I had to go away for an overnight trip, just so that we can have some privacy... She asked me if we would be back by the end of the day...completely not getting it, that the idea is for us to be alone, and have a night for ourselves. The next morning when we returned, we both had to go to work, but as soon as I came back, she expected me to take her shopping, even though I was exhausted, and still had to pay a shiva call at a friend's house. I guess she felt like I have to make it up to her that I was away for a day. I really do not know what to do, because I do not want to dread it every time she comes to visit, but unfortunately, I do. I wish things could be different and that I could be a better daughter, but it feels like a bottomless pit at times, and I doubt it that I can make her happy without completely compromising my own physical and mental well-being.

Anyway, my apology for the length of this. It was not my intention to 'hijack' this thread. Just venting. Sigh.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 11:21 am

As another mother correctly said: people enlarge on the definition of kibud av. As long as you know he will have a place to be, you do not have to host. Guests also have responsibilities. Some parents feel that they can act any way they wish to because their kids have to listen to them. That is not the case. If the parent being there interferes with shalom bayis, that is too bad on them.

amother

Denim

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 1:48 pm

amother wrote:

Actually both my parents are remarried and their spouses are no relation to me. They are "my mother's husband" and "my father's wife." I owe them nothing.

Wow, just wow! If any of my step children said that about me I would be beyond hurt.
I don't know you or your story so granted you could have every reason for speaking this way, but I just want to point out that the majority of step parents that I know give their lives for their kids (biological or otherwise).
Implying that they are not family or are owed nothing is just beyond my understanding.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 4:22 pm

amother wrote:

That's wonderful that you had that kind of experience. Unfortunately, the stepparents in my family are horrible ones. Ones that abused their stepchildren in the name of "chinuch" and kicked them out of their parent's house. So no, those stepparents are not family. They are referred to as "mother's husband" or "father's wife."

I'm guessing this poster has her reasons for not referring to them as family. That's okay. Her experience doesn't invalidate yours.

33055

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 4:59 pm

OP

Where is your father? Can you invite him?

amother

Seashell

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:34 pm

amother wrote:

No obligation. He's not even family.

As a step-parent, this is really hurtful to hear. Step-parents are family. And halachically, there IS a Kivud Av V’Im obligation aspect as you are required to respect the step-parent out of honor for the bio parent.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:37 pm

amother wrote:

Who needs Cinderella and other fairy stories when we have IMA to continue the negative image of step-parents.

I am sorry you had.such a horrible experience in your own family. There are also horrible bio parents. Please don’t try to tar all stepparents with the same brush.

simba

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:38 pm

Chayalle wrote:

This. I had to say no to a family member recently and did just this. “Sorry, it won’t work for me” when asked reasons why I just repeated until it was clear that the discussion wasn’t being had. Took a few tries but it worked.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:55 pm

This is a relative in need of a place for yom tov. We're talking about two days, not two months. It's not the pesach you planned, but I would at least think about how to make it work. If you can't, you can't. But to me this feels like the kind of situation where you try to stretch yourself.

33055

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 11:04 pm

amother wrote:

But the relative is not in need of a place. There are other options that won't ruin yom tov for OP and her family. The stepfather is out of line. The children should not be subjected to the criticisms that he feels free to give them. Why should they have to stretch themselves to be demeaned by the stepfather. Who wants to listen to talk of bodily functions at the sudar?

My idea was to invite OP's father, so the step father couldn't come.