Husbands input | Imamother

amother

Wine

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 4:30 pm

amother wrote:

How much does your husband do around the house.
I’m trying not to use the word help- he doesn’t help it’s joint responsibility... that’s not for this thread.
But I’m old fashioned and I would like to run the house with minimal input from him.
In reality I work 30 hours a week and I’m out every school hour.
Doing housework when kids are home is like...

I would like to hear how other households run and how much the men do.

Why would you expect to do everything around the house if you work all those hours?

Ravenclaw

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 5:21 pm

I think that when both parents work, and are sharing the financial responsibility, it is only logical that the household responsibility should be shared as well.
But the key word here is responsibility.
My husband is responsible for finances. So I help him by bringing in income, paying bills, filling out forms, etc. but it is his responsibility. So he will come to me and ask me to call somebody or help him fill out a form or go cash checks etc but I don’t worry about it. I find it mentally draining so am happy that he keeps cheshbon when bills are due, etc.
The house is my responsibility, but he helps tons. Bedtime we do together and post supper clean up as well. He helps me serve and clear the Shabbos seuda. He is also better at clearing clutter, while I will do the cleaning, washing dishes, etc. but it’s my mental responsibility, I decide what’s for supper, what needs to be done and then ask him for his help.
We used to share the mental responsibility for both, but it was too overwhelming. So now we share the physical burden, but not the day to day worries (not talking about if there is a major financial or household decision/problem—for that we do consult each other)

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 5:29 pm

Mazal tov simba!
Wish you loads of strength and energy to enjoy it all!

Thank you all for your messages.
Yes my DH does help, I am incredibly grateful

It is normal, we chose this together.

I just sometimes imagine a utopian existence where I could calmly manage everything without help so it can all be done the way I like it.
So this is my reality check.

Love hearing about everyone’s lives and how they balance it.

amother

Azure

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 6:25 pm

Im a bh sahm and my husband works very very long hours.
He pays the bills, does all car maintenance, I never need to put gas into my car.. home maintenance, (fixes ,puts together cubed shelves hangs up pic. Frames... ) In the nice weather he's in charge of the grilling. And puts up the chulent every shobbas.
When he's home he will help with the kids as needed.
Otherwise all housework , homework, getting kids to sleep, cleaning up ,Shopping, errands, groceries, laundry.. I do. Which I dont mind.
It works for us, since he works so much.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Apr 03 2019, 7:10 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Taupe

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 9:42 pm

We both work, he works full time, I work part time.
My husband does the laundry (separating, washing, drying - I do the folding) because of all the heavy shlepping involved (Laundry room in basement)
He does all the shopping and errands (I don't drive) I do write the lists though.
He bathes and does bedtime with my older kid, I do the younger ones. He does help with a bottle for the baby many times.
He also generally helps when I ask him to, like washing dishes, or whatever. But I'm home much more than him so I'm in charge and do most of the childcare and housework.
Oh, and he takes out the garbage (both the bags to the cans and the cans to the curb).
Cooking is my department all the way, but on the days he has off (legal holidays) he'll take over.
I think that's it. Though, to be fair, at the moment my house is flying and I'm on imamother while he's out buying formula and pampers...

amother

Silver

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 9:52 pm

amother wrote:

I work the same hours as you, and my dh works much more than that so he doesn't have the time to help much. However, I obviously don't have the same outlook as you because I wiiiiish he could do more. I'm not a high energy person at all so just my job and dealing with the kids drains every bit of strength that I have. I also love things very clean and organized all the time, but I've had to lower my standards because that simply isn't going to happen unless we become much wealthier.

jewishmom6

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 9:25 am

I work full time. dh brings the kids to and from school and watches them until he picks me up from work. He does all the shopping and errands -mostly with the kids. He does all appointments.
He takes care of all the finances. I think everything else is one me!
oh and he makes the cholent and preps the leichters stuff like that.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 9:42 am

My husband is out of the house a lot. He’s also out of town quite a lot. I run the household. There are some things he will do. He takes out garbage, he helps clear the shabbos table, he’ll go to the grocery, target, etc...
He takes my kids on outings. He loads the dishwasher, and he cooks supper every Sunday. Very rarely, he’ll help one of the kids with homework or a school project. Very, very rarely he’ll take a child to an appointment. Sometimes he’ll take the kids for sneakers. Recently, he took my oldest shopping for shirts, pants, blazer and shabbos shoes. He also is in charge of all finances and bills.
Things like house decorating, buying furniture well do together. Also, he’ll vacuum and do heavy cleaning jobs like cleaning out the oven or fridge.
Everything else is done by me or the cleaning lady. Cooking, shopping, ironing, dishes, laundry, baking, bath time, bedtime, homework, errands, childcare, etc...

ectomorph

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 9:45 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

you remind me. My husband will sometimes wake up w the kids if he went to sleep at a normal time. Shabbos is family time and Sunday he always carves out a few hours. And he comes to complex medical appointments especially if I tell him I need backup.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 10:52 am

ectomorph wrote:

And you just reminded me, lol. Every shabbos morning he wakes up with the baby and watches him and gives him and the kids breakfast until he goes to shul. He also does this in the country and it’s the sweetest thing. I sleep in the bungalow which is small and noisy so he takes him out and pushes him in his toy car. It’s their special daddy and me time so I can sleep. It always makes me feel special. I’m glad op started this thread. It’s remknding me about all the good my husband does. Helps me deal with the not so good.

ShishKabob

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 11:00 am

OP, it doesn't work anymore, the traditional old fashioned mentality if the lady of the house works. It's impossible to do it all. I used to be like you. I used to resist help from dh because I could do it myself. Guess what? it's not true and I slowly had to acknowledge that while I am capable of doing it all myself, in actuality, with working, I can't. So I learned to accept more of his help and be gracious about it. He helps with cooking, baking, cleaning, bathing etc.. and much more.

zaq

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 11:36 am

OP let’s see if I got this right:
1. You work 30 hours a week.
2. Your dh works also.
3. Doing all the housework yourself is not feasible, presumably because you’re employed.
3. You consider housework to be a joint responsibility.
4. Your dh is willing to do his share as you both define it.
5. What you really want is for dh to do zero housework so that you have total control over it.
6. Hiring outside help won’t cut it because, like dh, nobody will ever do things exactly your way.

As I see it, your options are as follows, in no particular order:

1. Quit your job and be a full time homemaker so you can do it all yourself. Learn to live with the guilt that you’re bringing up children to believe that “Mommy” is synonymous with “maid” and neither Daddies nor children do housework.

2. Set priorities, tackle the top priority tasks to your liking, let the other tasks fall by the wayside and learn to live with a home that doesn’t live up to your fantasies. Learn to live with the guilt that you’re bringing up children to believe that “Mommy” is synonymous with “maid” and neither Daddies nor children have to do housework.

3. Set priorities, tackle the top priority tasks to your liking, let dh do the other tasks. Loosen your grip and learn to live with a home that doesn’t live up to your fantasies. Learn to appreciate dh contribution (and those of your dc if you have any), and learn that “good enough” is good enough.

4. Keep your job, don’t let dh and/or dc do anything, maintain your fantasies of a perfect house done exactly the way you like it, keep trying to achieve that fantasy all by yourself, enjoy the illusion of total control, and risk burnout and a mental and/or physical health breakdown (ch”v).

What you choose is up to you.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 11:43 am

OP, I totally get you. I'm super independent, like things done my way in terms of housework (more flexible about childcare, but sure have my preferences where things involve a mess such as feeding kids), and am super high energy.
DH does leichter, sets up blech, and takes out garbage erev Shabbos. Garbage other times only upon request (even this has to be done my way:). On rare occasions, when I have evening meetings, he'll hold down the fort (but may not put them to bed depending on what time I'm expected home).
BUT:
1. Although I work b/w 30-50+ hours a week (depending on season), I have pretty flexible hours and don't have a large family.
2. MANY things that get done in other houses either don't get done, or only infrequently done, in mine.

nicole81

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 11:58 am

My husband gets all the kids going and out of the house in the morning, including walking one to the bus stop and walking the toddler to playgroup. He also packs my bag for work.

He does all the household shopping, taking out of the garbage, and is responsible for preparing dinner a couple of nights a week (although this is often delegated to our oldest boy once a week). He also usually prepares anywhere from 1-4 dishes for shabbat the rest come from my freezer stock.

He usually gets dinner up and going every night, even if it's just from the freezer. He loads and unloads the dishwasher.

Some of my kids do their own laundry, but for ours and the youngest 4 kid's laundry, I sort everything weekly, and he's responsible for the washing and hanging dry. (I do the folding, or the pile just stays there ☺)

Whenever he sees something laying around, he puts it away. And he cleans up after himself in the kitchen (as best as he can). As for deep cleaning, we hire someone but I would do it myself if not, because my husband doesn't really see the same level of dirt as I do.