Girls fighting. Beyond blood.

amother

Jade

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 11:08 am

They were fighting. I wasn't physically availible at that moment. The 5 yo punched and hurt her 4 yo sister in her face even after she bled.....
5 yo did it out of, I'm not sure what! She instigated her sister and just taunted her for not reason all morning. (Much bigger and stronger)

I'm hiding in my room (kids separated) and crying.
I feel like beating up my 5 yo (Don't worry I won't do it)

What am I supposed to do?

amother

Oak

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 11:17 am

Don't blame yourself. They're kids, they are testing boundaries. Wait until you feel calmer and go talk to each one individually. Ask them to tell you about what they felt and why they acted that way, ask them to come up with ideas of how to behave differently next time. If they're the type to go for an incentive system, you can try to implement that. Otherwise, make sure they each get private time with you every day regardless of their behavior and that will encourage them to open up before they snap. They will grow up, it's a process and it takes time. Ask advice from people with experience and don't blame yourself

amother

Jade

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 12:16 pm

Amother oak, I'm not blaming myself.
I'm just having a hard time dealing. And I know know how to respond.
I have a good open relationship with my kidss.
5 yo is smart beyond her years but has some impulsively challenges, some social issues, and needs PT and OT.

Amother Chartreuse, nowhere. Children don't only behave in ways they have seen others behave. They can have their own behaviours too.
She might have seen boys fighting. Or whatever. Don't think so though. Who knows.
That's not the point. I need this to not ever ever happen again.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 12:52 pm

amother wrote:

You don't always need to see a behavior in order to behave a certain way. A lot of violence is instinctive. If one of them feels threatened, they will attack violently. The other one will respond in kind, until either they both back down, or they get separated.

amother

Coral

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 12:56 pm

Why do you feel like beating up 5 yr old? Poor girl, she was tormented all morning long and finally she can't handle it any longer and reacts out of anger. 4 year old is just as guilty if not much more. We naturally tend to react stronger when our kids physically hurt, but that doesn't make any sense. Verbal or other non-physical abuse can be far more damaging than physical hurt.

nchr

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

They were fighting. I wasn't physically availible at that moment. The 5 yo punched and hurt her 4 yo sister in her face even after she bled.....

4 yo did it out of, I'm not sure what! She instigated her sister and just taunted her for not reason all morning. (Much bigger and stronger)

I'm hiding in my room (kids separated) and crying.
I feel like beating up my 5 yo (Don't worry I won't do it)

What am I supposed to do?

You are supposed to immediately remove the children from the situation and follow your "plan" for when a child misbehaves. There need to be consequences for teasing and hitting such as time out and the child needs to be told their behavior is unacceptable because "teasing is not allowed.." "hitting is unacceptable, even if your sister teased you. You need to walk away and tell an adult when someone is teasing you. Hitting is wrong...." and then needs to apologize. Don't give them attention when in time out because then it can encourage more hitting and do not scream.

For the future, try to keep an eye out on these situations and don't lock yourself in your room (unless you feel you are out of control) because immediately placing a poorly behaved child in time out or recognizing the escalation before it leads to blood is important.

amother

Jade

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 1:18 pm

5 yo taunted 4 yo all morning. Then physically hit her and punched her even after she saw her mouth bleed.

It wasn't 4 yo who taunted 5 yo. I made a typo in my op. 5 yo taunted and then hurt 4 yo. Not the other way around.

I was so angry at 5yo. I felt like beating her up. So I put myself on time out. I still am angy. But I've calmed down mostly. I just don't know how to get thru to them that physically hitting is never ok. 4 yo fought back but more out if defense.
Verbally they can bother each other like normal 4 and 5 yo siblings often do. They usually get along ok.

I told 5 yo I'm very very upset at her that she did this. And it's not ok.
I took care and pampered 4 yo and treated her to something she really likes to do but rarely gets a chance too. I also told her for now she has to play in her room (until I am availible to supervise their playing - I didn't tell her that of course) and she cried a little but made peace with it and is playing now.

I still feel like crying. I think I feel helpless in how to deal and talk to her to get through to her.
She's not an aggressive kid. She's such a kind gentle soul.
But her and issues really do challange her on a daily basis and she's not happy. And often gives it out in inappropriate ways.

octopus

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 3:25 pm

I don't think this is typical child behavior. Fighting, yes is normal. Going for blood? No. I think you need to get to root of why your five year old is so angry and she needs to learn coping mechanisms that are socially and behaviorally appropriate. I'm not saying to take her to a professional, but I think its worthwhile for you to make a session with a professional to help guide you and help you cope with this challenge. One or two sessions for some tools in your tool box. Some kids are more challenging than others. Nothing to do with you necessarily.

nchr

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 8:01 pm

amother wrote:

Your 5 year old needs to be disciplined whenever she behaves in an inappropriate way so that she associates poor behavior with consequences, which means being told her behavior is unacceptable and being given a time out, loss of privileges, a combination of both, requirement to apologize, etc. but there needs to be more than just "I'm very upset." You also need to learn to control your anger because obviously you did not cross a line, but calm parents model calm behavior to children and your kids most likely picked up on your anger. BH I've never had a kid "go for blood," so I am not judging you at all, just trying to give constructive advice.

ectomorph

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 8:10 pm

After reading your second post this doesn't sound normal. Most kids stop hitting as soon as someone starts crying (@ least in my house)
I would consult a professional immediately if this was my child.

Also sometimes it's appropriate to react w carefully measured anger so that your child knows they've done something really bad.

Recently one of my kids pushed a sibling down the steps. The pusher was 3 and didn't do it maliciously- was trying to push the sibling away from a toy. But I reacted with a strong emotional reaction in addition to time out so that child would appreciate how bad this was to do.

Also why didn't you stop it in the beginning?

FranticFrummie

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 8:22 pm

When DD was 5, her school started teaching "123 Conflict Resolution". If Chanie is hitting you, you use your words like this.

(Yell really loud if you are on the playground and need to get the teacher's attention.)

1. Chanie, I don't want to fight with you. Please stop.
2. Chanie, STOP HITTING ME! (or poking, or punching, or pinching, etc.)
3. Chanie, STOP IT, YOU ARE HURTING ME!

Keep using the words until someone can step and take control of the situation. It's important to address the attacker by name. It helps slow down the attack because it makes the attacker's brain refocus.

123 is not easy for kids to use. You have to model it, and you have to practice it, and repeat it over and over. I still think it is an extremely valuable tool for kids to use.