When do kids realize how rich/ poor we are?

amother

Azure

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 4:51 pm

I didnt know till I got married. My parents N.E.V.E.R. talked about money. They didnt waste it on lavish vacations or fancy clothes. They gave (and still give) a ton of tzedaka that we didnt know about. Weddings were nice- not fancy. My parents drive Hondas because they were having a good deal.
We never felt insecure or that we didnt have any money when all our friends were going on vaca for midwinter or pesach or succos. We never felt "under privilaged" because my parents wouldn't take us out to eat in fancy restaurants or buy us the most expensive shabbos outfit.
Little did we know, we had more money than any of my friends families will ever have.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 4:56 pm

It’s all relative. My oldest is 17 and doesn’t seem to realize that we are not loaded like his best friend is... he says I’m just being stingy when I say no to things.

I have explained that I can’t afford things but he is sure I could but don’t want to pay...

I have spoken to some well known therapists about this matter and was surprised to hear that many people do not grasp the concept in a mature way until being completely responsible for managing finances.

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 4:58 pm

amother wrote:

I could have written this post word for word.

I married into a family where there is little money but lots of talk about money. Some of my in-laws' kids idolize people with money to an extent which makes me cringe. It's not about how much or little money you have but the vibes in your home which your kids pick up by osmosis.

nnmom

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 5:44 pm

I find some of these answers inspiring. My kids ask for stuff we don’t need or can’t afford all the time. I just say it’s a waste of money.
Am I not sheltering them in the right way then?

thunderstorm

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 5:57 pm

My DS at age 17 was interviewed by his Rosh yeshiva and the Rosh yeshiva literally asked him every question you could think of. One of the questions was "how do you think your parents do financially "? And he answered "they have exactly enough for what they need but a bit less than that ". That was actually a perfect answer. But my 16 year old is clueless. He thinks that you just buy things and buy expensive brand name things etc. , what's the big deal? It's amazing that they are only 15 months apart but have completely different viewpoints and understanding of it all.

amother

Apricot

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 6:00 pm

Most of the above answers work if you do have money and you're trying raise your kids without a focus on money. But sometimes the other way you don't have too many options. My parents didn't have their negative bank account balance hanging on the fridge but they were also not going to pretend that they didn't believe in camp. It was a little obvious why I wasn't going to camp. Or why had to pay for my own things that my friends got from their parents (not basic necessities don't worry).

However, they gave me a super healthy outlook toward money and gashmiyus even with the little they had. It wasn't a focus more of a reality. Yeah I was lacking in stuff but my parents taught me that it's really not what matters. And I try very hard to pass over that value.

So either way I dont think there is anything wrong with children knowing these things as long as it comes with a proper hashkafah.

(As for age I can't remember sorry...)

amother

Cerise

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 6:14 pm

I realized at a very young age that we were less well off than others, mostly because my parents often spoke openly about finances in front of us kids. They also had me in a school that catered to a well off crowd. I was ALWAYS anxious about money as a result and was terrified to ask them for anything. When I brought this up to my mom as an adult she told me that I had overreacted and that we were never in a position of struggling with money.

amother

Tan

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 6:27 pm

amother wrote:

You left out one thing. You obviously didn't grow up in a neighborhood with a big mix of rich, middle, and poor families. If you did, you'd have noticed and heard about fancy houses, cars, vacations, clothes, and simchas. It's unavoidable.

singleagain

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 7:20 pm

I remember being confused about the fact that a friend of mine who seemed to have less (simply bc they lived in an apartment and I lived in a house) had American girl dolls that my mother never let me get because they were too expensive. But I never felt like I was lacking. I don't even know for sure what the financial difference was, even today bc as I grew I realized it wasn't the important. And a house v an apartment isn't the deciding factor in wealth that my younger self thought.

I did also realize there were some friends better off than me... Like the ones that had their birthday parties somewhere other than at home. But again... Bc I didn't feel like I was actually lacking anything. I don't think it really concerned me.

This was around 3/4-6 grade when I was realizing these difference. But it wasn't a big deal because my parents didn't treat it as a big deal. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with their attitude of "this is the way it is. And this is what's best for us" even if I didn't always get it at the time.

amother

Sapphire

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 8:19 pm

So all of you that claim that money was never spoken about at home, your parents were well off, you were able to buy the necessities easily as well as some extras, money was of no issue. Of course it's no reason to have the kids know or talk about it openly.

For those like us, who are really struggling financially, our kids will know from a young age that we don't have the means. They will not get any extras, basic necessities only.

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 8:31 pm

amother wrote:

I find this thread fascinating. definitely following

from my personal observation- I could totally be wrong- I think theres little correlation between how happy ( young) children are and how much money the parents are.

parents can have millions in the bank and constantly have financial concerns. they can have nothing and be relaxed.

ive noticed this over and over agein. true you may not be able to buy extras. your kids may notice that. though I think if parents are GENUINELy happy with what they have- theres a good chance the kids will also be. it will hardly mater.

ectomorph

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 8:36 pm

Some people have good cash flow and some people have a lot of money in the bank.

People with good cash flow can be anxious because they don't have any savings

People with lots of money in the bank can be anxious that eventually they'll use it up

Who is happy? he who is happy with what he has

amother

Sapphire

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 8:36 pm

That being said, we have a very happy home bh. We put on music and sing and dance alot. Though the kids know we are not rich, they won't get it all, we're a happy relaxed family. When they us ask for something, we say Ask Hashem, if it's good for you then Hashem will provide it for you somehow...
Whatever we feel we're lacking, we Thank Hashem for what we do have and ask Hashem for it...

amother

Amber

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 8:41 pm

amother wrote:

I think this a major factor. My family is currently living in a community with a mix of very wealthy families, struggling families, and everything in between. My kids definitely have an awareness of our financial standing from at least at six. They know that we're living in a cramped apartment because the houses in our area are too expensive. It happens to be that their closest friends are living a similar lifestyle to us, which is nice for them. But they make the connection from a pretty young age between what we can afford and what we have.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 9:22 pm

My husband and I struggle to make ends meet. Struggle to pay for half a summer sleep away camp for my son and “luxuries” that are considered bare necessities for our kids today.
Literally don’t know what to say.
I daven for my kids to grow up happy healthy and well adjusted. To all the mothers who grew up with money bh that was not your challenge. It’s difficult and painful to tell a child no we can’t not because we shouldn’t but we cause we can’t.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Feb 24 2019, 9:22 pm

We grew up and knew we couldn't have any extras.. I'm not saying as a teen it didn't bother me but my mother never maimaid us feel penniless she would get us small treats every now and then jI st because so we always where secure in our parents love no matter how little money there was