Out of area shabbos simcha accomodations

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:20 pm

When a sibling makes a shabbos simcha and you don't live nearby, who is supposed to find accommodations? You or the baal simcha?

And what If only adults are invited, so you need to leave your kids somewhere (but you don't have family living near you.)

I've been invited a few times & when I say we have nowhere to stay for shabbos they don't offer to find us a place to stay but get insulted when we cannot come.
And really where should I leave all my kids for an entire shabbos?!

How do I handle this?

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:31 pm

In our neighborhood the baal simcha places all out of area guest.
It's very common to invite couples only. Somehow everyone manages to place their kids. I ask my kids classmates if they can have my kids.

tichellady

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:33 pm

If children are not invited to a shabbos simcha I wouldn’t go. My parents had the same rule. Not sure why anyone would expect otherwise. I especially can’t relate to a family simcha where cousins are not invited

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:41 pm

Yes I dont get it. Where would one place a toddler, baby, kids who aren't yet in school etc?
It's not like during the week where you come & go and can get a sitter for a few hours.

And what if I say I have no where to stay but they don't offer to find me a place? Then what?

amother

Violet

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:48 pm

Have you ever asked straight out? "We would love to attend, can you please help us find accommodations?" Or are they assuming you won't be coming anyway because you can't arrange places for your kids to stay?

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:49 pm

In general, the simcha host finds local accommodations for out of town guests. The exception would be if the host isn't shomer Shabbos.

I have never been invited to an overnight simcha with adults only. Certainly, there are plenty of events such as bar mitzvah luncheons where the adults are friends but the kids are not in the same group where it's understandable that the children aren't invited. Then they go to a friend for lunch.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:51 pm

No I don't ask outright, I say we want to come but have nowhere to stay.
They say ok and afterward are angry we missed the simcha

amother

Tan

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:55 pm

tichellady wrote:

It's all relative. In large families where kids outnumber the adults on a large scale, it isn't feasible.

If one were to make a sheva brochos, where each side has on the average, lets say, 8 siblings. If the majority of them married and blessed with large families themselves, picture the number of kids involved.

amother

Violet

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:56 pm

amother wrote:

No I don't ask outright, I say we want to come but have nowhere to stay.
They say ok and afterward are angry we missed the simcha

I would ask. But only if you'll figure out arrangements for the kids and actually show up.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:58 pm

The only kids my parents and I laws and many many other I know invite to shabbos simchas, is their own grandchildren. If they invite all their siblings kids, there will be way to many kids. Its an extra expense & no one wants a kindergarten at their simcha.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 5:59 pm

That's the thing, violet- I don't have where to leave my kids. So then I wish they would understand why we can't come and not hold it against us.

amother

Violet

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:08 pm

amother wrote:

That's the thing, violet- I don't have where to leave my kids. So then I wish they would understand why we can't come and not hold it against us.

So don't make it about your accommodations if it's really about your kids anyway. Just say, "we so wish we could make it, but I have no one who can stay with my kids."

amother

Ivory

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:11 pm

I don't understand how anyone can expect you to come to a simcha for an entire Shabbos if you have small children who are not invited. If they can't invite the children that's ok, but how do they expect you to come? What do they expect you to do with your kids? What to people do in situations like this?

amother

Ivory

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:15 pm

amother wrote:

So don't make it about your accommodations if it's really about your kids anyway. Just say, "we so wish we could make it, but I have no one who can stay with my kids."

Yes, this. Seems to me the bigger issue is what to do with your kids.

That being said, it would also seem to me that, if you did have plans for your kids and were able to come, the hosts should find you accommodations. How would you find a place to stay if you don't live there and don't know people there? It sounds like they are being unreasonable, unless I am missing something here.

thunderstorm

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:17 pm

pesek zman wrote:

You’re kids aren’t invited to your siblings simcha? That strikes me odd

I have a relative that has 10 kids. Each of their 10 kids has k"ah 10 or more. That's 100 nieces and nephews who are manu married by now. By now there are about 50 great grandkids as well. It becomes impossible to accommodate that many couples and people for a simple Shabbos Sheva Brachos or Bar Mitzvah. After the family grew considerably it was agreed upon that there will be a no kids rule. In these families there is Ka"h usually a chasuna, aufruf, Sheva brochos, bris, or Bar Mitzvah etc on a weekly basis.

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:18 pm

Now I saw your post about the ages of your children. Does a baby sitting on a parent's lap need an invitation? I never went anywhere without my baby until she weaned.

pesek zman

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:19 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I get it. My aunt has 10 kids. I just think it’s odd. If there’s (always) the no kid rule than when do all the cousins get to see each other?

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:24 pm

It's a mix of both, no place for my kids to go and no accommodations for us. Both are equally an issue for us.
So for ppl who don't invite the siblings children then are you insulted if they miss your simcha? And where do the kids stay?

ETA and what about eruv issues if you do bring the baby?

thunderstorm

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:28 pm

pesek zman wrote:

I get it. My aunt has 10 kids. I just think it’s odd. If there’s (always) the no kid rule than when do all the cousins get to see each other?

On Chanuka they rent out a hall and make a massive Chanuka party with everyone . Usually once a year. Also a lot of the cousins were on the same schools and spent time together daily. The families do visit their grandparents often and more often than not will bump into other cousins and relatives at the same time. They also do invite the entire families to the weddings. Not to Sheva Brochos, Bar mitzvahs, vorts, and the like.