Making a simcha under special cirucmstances

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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

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amother

Wheat

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 10:36 pm

I am iy"H making a bar mitzvah for DS in a couple of months and can no longer put off the planning... DS has severe anxiety (social and otherwise) and will NOT enjoy (actually, will perhaps even refuse to show up to) a bar mitzvah that is "typical" in my tri state area, yeshivish, community and that we have made for his older brothers.

He also doesn't want to do anything very out of the norm... so I'm not sure how to navigate this. He and DH are thinking maybe we can get a way with (in terms of not being super unusual) having a shabbos in a hotel with just my immediate family and perhaps one or two aunts and uncles that he knows well and feels comfortable with. DH and I are both from large, fairly close families and if we invite everyone, that will be a huge event that he cannot tolerate but if we invite just a few select relatives (which is what he and DH want to do)... I think it's really insulting.

Obviously I can mitigate the insult by calling up all my various siblings and siblings in law and saying that due to his severe anxiety (which many of them are not currently aware of) we are limiting the guest list but I don't particularly feel like doing that either.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Or even if you haven't... any ideas for me?

Thanks!

amother

Red

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 10:38 pm

OP, if this is what your son wants and feels most comfortable with, you should go with it and not worry about about others being insulted. Your son comes first. If he can't tolerate a big bash, please don't do it.
Is he being treated for the anxiety?

amother

Copper

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 10:48 pm

My son was very shy. We skipped leining. We also had it planned that everyone start singing the moment he picked up the mic to drown out his speech.

We gave my son lots of pep talks and kept him out of ther spotlight as much as possible. DH stayed near him. We also got a super popular singer. The boys all had his CDs, so the kids were focused on the entertainment and not my son.

simba

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 10:51 pm

Good for you for having his needs in mind.
Can you take a trip with him to Israel and skip the whole bash?

If not make something he is comfortable with. It’s his day. Relatives will be fine. If you want to tell them something you can say it was his request. No need for everyone to discuss his anxiety and judge him for it.

Mazal Tov

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 10:52 pm

I have a nephew who was dealing with similar stuff. In the end they:
1. brought breakfast for his class the day he put on tefillin
2. Made a kiddush in shul the bar mitzva week.

That was all. Also yeshivish tri state area.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 10:56 pm

I had a similar situation. We ended up going to Israel with just immediate family. It would have been too much for him to laiin in front of people, so we went to the kotel, and he had an Aliya there during the week. We went out to eat, and it was enjoyable and meaningful to him (and us). My advice is not to worry about others, but rather do what's best for your son. The truth is, no one is looking to go to yet another bar mitzvah. Do what will be most meaningful, and make your son happiest. I remember being in shule for a bar mitzvah when the bar mitzvah boy became overwhelmed while laining. He burst into tears in front of a shule filled with people. It was heartbreaking. No one will remember if they didn't attend his bar mitzvah, but they (and he) will remember a meltdown. This too shall pass. I would suggest working on his anxiety for the future. If it is very severe, and impedes his functioning, you might want to consider professional help (sooner rather than later). That is more important than the bar mitzvah.

shirachadasha

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 11:06 pm

I agree with the option of an intimate family trip to Israel unless the trip would be anxiety-provoking.
What about having him designate a tzedaka and you give a donation in lieu of a party?

sequoia

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 11:11 pm

You are not obligated to have a party if it would cause him distress.

Forget relatives. Do what works for your kid. Maybe a trip to Israel, maybe a super low-key event.

thunderstorm

Mon, Mar 04 2019, 11:33 pm

My DS refused to let me invite his class to his Kiddush or Bar Mitzvah Seuda . His Seuda was immediate family only. We also told him he doesn't have to speak. He did stand up and said thank you to everyone that came but he was shaking like a leaf and beet red in his face when he did so. He is going for a week to E"Y with my DH in a few weeks. This is what he preferred over a big bash.
My DS does not generally have anxiety issues but he definitely had anxiety the few weeks leading up to the Bar Mitzvah. His menahel told us that this is very common and normal. Once he was Bar Mitzvah he calmed down and was able to relax.

essie14

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 1:08 am

I have several friends who made small smachot for just family, or took their son on a trip instead of a bar mitzvah party.
You gotta do what’s good for your son. No need to publicize his anxiety to your family.
I would call my siblings and just say “we gave DS a choice and he chose a trip to Israel (or whatever) instead of a party. I’m sad not to celebrate with you but this is his milestone and we’re respecting his decision. “

amother

Mint

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 9:39 am

Firstly, kudos to you for having this discussion and being open enough to balance your child's needs with what you and the rest of your family are used to.

My son didn't want a big bar mitzva and didn't want to lein. At the time we were beginning planning, he was seeing a social worker and we worked through it slowly. Perhaps what we did will be inspiring to you:

Around that time, providentially, my DH and son were walking home from shul one Shabbos and met an old friend of DHs. He asked about my son's bar mitzva since he looked to be about that age. And then he laughed and said to my son "Do what YOU want! My parents didn't make me lein, and it was the best gift ever!" So amazing, it really normalized what he wanted and made DH see that it will be fine if we don't do the typical.

We had a weekday affair and my son spoke beautifully. And that was it. He didn't want a Shabbos Kiddush. For his Aliyah, he went to a small shul (not our regular one) during the weekday minyan where there is maybe 15-20 men in the morning. My father and FIL came and that's it, he wanted no other relatives. We brought donuts, the men were lovely, said mazal tov, smiled and shook his hand and ran off to begin their workday. It was perfect for him. For Shabbos, there was.. nothing. He went to shul as usual and we came home and I made a more fancy meal with special dessert. Our rav was a bit surprised but totally understanding.

My MIL was annoyed that there was no big Shabbos shindig. But TBH, she gets annoyed about anything that isn't picture perfect, so we're used to it.

My son thanks us to this day and it did WONDERS for our relationship that we were in tune with his wants and feelings.

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 9:48 am

Nothing to do with your situation, but my inlaws took DH to E"Y for a trip instead of making him a Bar Mitzvah bash. (DH loved the trip, but actually felt bad that there was no event to invite his friends to.) I've heard of others who have done this. Could it work for you?

amother

Oak

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 10:12 am

No suggestions, but thank you for considering your son’s needs. My husband still recalls his Bar Mitzvah with terror and can’t believe his parents made him do the whole shebang. I often wonder if he’d be more religious if his BM experience was meaningful and not anxiety filled. Just wanted to encourage you!!

yamz

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 1:40 pm

OP, it's wonderful that you are putting your son's needs ahead of social expectations. You mentioned that he doesn't want the "typical bar mitzvah," but also doesn't want anything too out of the ordinary. Can you pinpoint which aspect of the potential celebration is causing him so much anxiety? I think that if you can, then you can better assess the situation and plan something that would be acceptable and hopefully even enjoyable to him and the rest of the family.

For instance, if it's just the public speaking/performance aspect, then skip the formal dinner and the speech. Just make a nice kiddush on Shabbos and have him called up for a regular aliyah. (Practice and practice and practice some more so he is completely comfortable with the brachos and knows what to expect. He will be called up to the Torah for the rest of his life, so this is really something he should learn to tolerate if at all possible.)

If your son abhors any special attention; a room full of people shaking his hand and wishing him mazel tov, then Israel is probably your best bet. It wouldn't look odd, because that is also something other people do in lieu of a traditional celebration. However, you will still have to deal with the aliyah, just with a smaller audience. I do think it is hurtful to invite some of your siblings to the simcha but not all of them. Would your entire family be willing and able to take time off, juggle their kids, and spend money for plane tickets and accommodations? It's very likely that even if you invite your entire family and DH's, most won't be able to attend anyway. If you are really worried that all would attend and the crowd would be too large, just go with your husband and children, maybe your parent and in-laws too. It's heartwarming to see that you are so accommodating of your son's feelings; it would be a pity to dismiss your siblings' feelings in the process, possibly creating a rift in the family for years to come.

There is one final consideration. As much as you want your son to feel comfortable with his bar mitzvah, you also want him to look back on the occasion with joy, not regret. Suppose you make a very small, low key celebration where he isn't in the spotlight at all for even a few minutes. Years from now, will he be disappointed in himself that he did not extend himself, just a little bit, outside his comfort zone? Will he feel badly that he didn't use the opportunity for personal growth? Or will he look back with fond memories of a time when his parents made him the top priority and did everything they could to make him feel loved and appreciated him for who he is? It's a tough call and only you know your son well enough to answer these questions.

Whatever you decide, mazel tov to you and your family! May you have a beautiful, meaningful simcha and much nachas from your son.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 1:50 pm

Can he just get an Aliya and you make a kiddush?

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 1:56 pm

this is your son's special day- do what works for him. As long as you aren't inviting everyone except one or two people the relatives will get over it. I think the israel idea is a great idea as well but really which your son prefers that is financially reasonable for you.

amother

Green

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 3:31 pm

I agree to do what ur son wants. U are correct that its insulting to invite doe sibilings and not others. So, whydont u just make a small weekday seuda for his classmate/ friends and only invite grandparents??? This is assuming that he wants his friends there. In addition, if he doesn't want to speak, that's fine too.

I dont think u need to explain to ur relatives that he has anxiety, its not their business, and if u invite some sibilings and not others, they'll still be insulted.

Another idea is invite a few ppl from shul, whatever ur son wants, for a weekday seuda and he can get a weekday aliya in a smallearly or late minyan.....

I just think that yes, do wat ur son wants but please either invite all relatives or only grandparents. Inviting some sibilings and not others is insulting.

chanchy123

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 4:25 pm

My daughter doesn't really have anxiety but was going through puberty and a very shy phase at her Bat Mitzvah (why can't you have a BM at 15?!?!). We had a shabbat with her aunts and uncles and cousins (but she didn't want extended family). She refused to speak so we compromised on her giving out notes saying thank you for coming.
Maybe the note thing can work for you too?

amother

Wheat

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 6:05 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. I don't know that he can/would handle either of those options.

And in response to those who've asked, of course we're treating his anxiety (therapy, medication...)

The Israel idea sounds like it might be a good option, will talk to DH and DS about it.

Thanks

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