Taking a leap of faith

amother

Linen

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 5:34 am

For the past 2 years, we have been checking out this one particular community that my husband really wants to move to. We have spent multiple shabbosim there and we are actually considering spending pesach there as well. Our good friends who live there would love it if we joined them for yuntif. So we already know a decent amount of people in the community but I'm not sure I want to move. My husband says we should give it a year and if after that I'm not happy, we'll leave. Has anyone just taken that leap, not knowing if you'll be happy? To just say yes, let's move? The idea of moving is pretty scary for anyone, but then how do you just take that leap?

amother

Smokey

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 5:42 am

It's hard to know from your post what the pros and cons of the move are, beyond just the fact of moving.

People move all the time and thrive. If you move, what areas of your life would improve? Income? Housing? Education? Religious life? Social support? Work-life balance? Climate?

Which areas of your life would suffer?

I don't believe in moving just for the sake of newness. As the expression goes, wherever you go, there you are. But I also don't believe in losing out just because of inertia. Take stock of your lives. How would you like to change for the better? How would moving to this place help you achieve those goals?

Lots to think about.

amother

Linen

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 6:05 am

We live in a very large Jewish community right now with ton of convenieces. There are kosher supermarkets all over, there are 5 pizza shops, 2 bagel shops, a shul on every block, etc... My daughter's school is walking distance and I am overall happy here. If we moved, my daughter would be commuting to school for an hour each way, though she did commute for camp last summer and was fine. The new neighborhood is very much suburban and have to drive everywhere. The frum community is very small, there is only one shul and has a very out of town feel, which is exactly what my husband wants, but I'm scared I may not be happy with such a lifestyle.

amother

Smokey

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 6:27 am

What is it about the out of town feel that your husband likes? The lack of judgmental behavior? The more casual approach to clothing and simchas? A more diverse population? The chance to be involved in the community in a meaningful way? The physical look of the place?

The more you can pinpoint what you want, the easier it will be to see whether any of these needs can be met where you are. (Or whether you really do need to move.)

I would be concerned about having kids far from school unless they have a group of peers in the new location.

amother

Linen

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 6:42 am

" The lack of judgmental behavior? The more casual approach to clothing and simchas? A more diverse population? The chance to be involved in the community in a meaningful way? The physical look of the place?"
All of the above. My husband has no friends here because they all moved away. He has no shul or Rav here that he likes or respects, even though there is a shul on every block. My husband loves the Rav of this new community, and has essentially been my husband's Rav (via phone calls) for the past two years, ever since we first saw the community.
We actually took my daughter to the the new school last year, when we started getting more serious about the idea of moving. She spent the whole day in a classroom without us, and said she loved the school. Also, a few families from the community send to this school, so at the very least, she'll have some familiar faces on the bus with her. My daughter has also made friends with other children in the community from being there for a bunch of shabbosim. For the most part, she seems ok with the idea of moving. My husband is practically begging to move. I'm pretty much the only one with reservations.

amother

Linen

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 12:56 pm

Part of the reason I don't want to move is also because even though the blocks where most of the families live are very nice, the surrounding areas of the neighborhood are really dumpy. I think where we live now happens to be very nice, though my husband disagrees. This is probably not a good reason to not move, but the dumpiness bothers me.

karat

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 1:08 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

FWIW many children in Lakewood sit on a bus an hour to an hour and a half just to go a mile

If the commute is an hour with no traffic, my guess is OP's child will be on the bus for over an hour during rush hour.

There is also the additional hassle of getting the child to school when she misses the bus.

amother

Linen

Wed, Mar 06 2019, 5:33 am

flowerpower wrote:

I honestly think you’ll be miserable there. It will be a shock for you- not in a good way. Tell
Hubby to reconsider it for everyones sake. Meanwhile continue to go for Shabbasim and yom tov if you want...

A huge part of me agrees with this but a very small part of me still wants to try. My husband said that I should trust that he'll make everything ok and if I'm still not happy after a year, we will leave. I just don't know if I can endure a year if I'm miserable. But maybe I'll be happy. There's no way to know. I'm miserable right now not being able to tell my husband that we should move and I'm miserable not being able to tell him that I don't want to move. I feel like I'm living in this state of limbo not knowing what to do and it's awful 😢 the worst part is knowing how much my husband wants this.

amother

Linen

Wed, Mar 06 2019, 7:00 am

flowerpower wrote:

Why does he want it so badly? He likes the one shul? The privacy? What are his pros for moving there?

He is very verbal about how much he dislikes our current community. He feels it's too right wing and doesn't connect with a single shul or Rav here. The first time we went to see this other community, he fell in love right away. In his defense, it is an actual community, where others seem to always be there when you need something. Where we currently live, there is no community, just a large frum neighborhood where everyone just does there own thing. I have my best friend here, who I really don't want to leave. My husband, however, has no friends here at all. They all moved away. He loves the people there and the Rav. I'm not denying that he has perfectly valid reasons for wanting to move, but I just think I'll have a very hard time adjusting. I think my husband is willing to stay put if I really don't want to move, but knowing how badly he wants this, how do I say no? I just want to add that we can actually afford a house there, but where we are now, the prices of houses are ridiculously unaffordable. And my husband really wants a house. So that's another reason why he really wants to move.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Mar 06 2019, 10:10 am

You take the leap of faith by not projecting. Stop making assumptions about how you will feel and whether or not you will like it long term.

Your husband already agreed that if you are miserable you won't stay.

So just go, and set aside all calculations and analyses until the set times you have for discussing them - I.e. at the 1 month mark, 3 month mark, 6 month mark, and 1 year mark.

All other times, only work on solutions to the smaller issues (grocery store, pizza, how to stay in touch with your good friend).

Things might be fantastic for you - just give it a chance. If not, you only invested one year.

I would recommend not buying a house yet, so YOU don't feel stuck in the new community. Also try to sublet where you are living now so you can feel confident that if you hate it there you can always come back.

Don't make a decision one way or another until the end of the year.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Mar 06 2019, 11:26 am

Op, I think that it seems u and ur dh have opposite"wants" now regarding where u live.

U wants city like Brooklyn where there are so many things u can walk to like stores etc....you dont mind that the community is so large that there's no feeling of a community....

Ur dh wants opposite. He seems to want out of town community that is more suburban, that u know everyone such that he feels like a real community....

So who gets what they want?? U or ur dh??

This is one of the challenges in marriage, how to come up with a compromise so both spouses are happy with regards to major issues like where to live...

Anyway, its a hard decision, but I just want to point out that most ppl who say "well leave in x years" don't end up leaving if one spouse is happy there because once u own a house and...

However, u may want to take a leap of faith maybe u will like it and maybe u will learn to like a different way of life....

Change is hard, so it could be that u are nervous /worried because change is scary""" but maybe u can learn to like the opposite way of life, out of town /suburban way of life and then u and ur dh will be happy.

I just want to point out that having a child on a bus for an hour is the norm where I live even though I live a ten minute drive from school. Although its not ideal, realistically, it takes time to pick up all the kids... For now, ur dds school is walkable but will ur kids schools always be walkable when ur circumstances change like ur other kids may go to a different school etc..

Hatzlacha

amother

Linen

Wed, Mar 06 2019, 12:34 pm

amother wrote:

I just want to point out that having a child on a bus for an hour is the norm where I live even though I live a ten minute drive from school. Although its not ideal, realistically, it takes time to pick up all the kids...

Yes!! Many of the kids in my daughter's current school commute for about an hour. Actually, a girl in my daughter's class used to live directly across the street from the school, but moved away. She now commutes for about an hour each way to stay in the same school. If we move, my daughter will be on the bus for an hour with other children from the community. It will take an hour on the bus because of all the stops. If I ever had to drive my daughter to or from school, it would take 30 minutes.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

No, it's not the norm for a child to sit on a bus for two hours a day.
The school arranges the routes so that the child who is picked up first in the a.m. is the first one dropped off on the afternoon route.