Should I write a letter to the hanhala?

amother

Crimson

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 12:11 pm

My son had a far’heir at a top Yeshiva high school. He is a top student B”H straight Alefs, great Gemara learner,and great marks in English too.
The hanhala treated us like garbage at the interview, they left me and x-husband standing in the hallway while they took ds to be tested,didn’t offer us a chair even. DS came out of far’heir pale like a ghost, tears in his eyes, said they tested him on things he never learned! Yes he did tell them what he was currently learning and they ignored it. Then they called us in to the office (2 “rosh yeshivas”) and asked us, ‘so do you have any questions?’ We stayed quiet, and then they dismissed us, said ‘we’ll let you know.’ That was it!

We never heard back. I have such a bitter taste in my mouth, this yeshiva is considered tops in Brooklyn and the rosh yeshivas had disgusting middos and weren’t even decent to any of us. I feel like writing them a letter saying what’s your Torah worth and the big reputation of your yeshiva when you act so disgusting to parents and a 13 year old boy ?? I have a feeling they didn’t accept us because we are divorced. Should I write it ??

33055

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 12:15 pm

Don't write it until you get your rejection letter. If your son is possibly on their radar, they won't deal with you because they will consider you difficult parents.

simba

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 12:16 pm

People with bad middos will laugh at your letter.

They don’t deserve your son if they can’t teach that Derech Eretz Kodma L’Torah.

Save your words and energy.

Iymnok

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 12:18 pm

Squishy wrote:

Don't write it until you get your rejection letter. If your son is possibly on their radar, they won't deal with you because they will consider you difficult parents.

What you’re saying makes sense, but would you send your child somewhere where middos seem to not be valued?

amother

Brunette

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 12:20 pm

Do you really want to entrust the education of your child to people with these middos? Be glad you dodged a bullet. You'd be amazed at how many kids have thrived in "second tier" schools. Hopefully you will find a place that appreciates your son and builds him up so he can reach his full potential.

Simple1

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 12:29 pm

First, I don't really believe in the concept of top schools. They're all more or less similar, but each will have pros and cons. It's about what's a good fit for the child.

Second, nothing you described seemed out of the ordinary for interviews. Interviews are typically stressful and not very pleasant.

amother

Silver

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 12:30 pm

I’m not sure these actions are related to you being divorced. It’s a result of gaiva.
I can guess this is 1 of 2 yeshivas my son interviewed at.
Be happy they were rude to you and not to your son.
The person who interviewed my son told him after the farher that he doesn’t know how my son will fit into his yeshiva.
In retrospect, if I would send a letter to the yeshiva it would be to thank them for not accepting my son.
I would rather him be in a yeshiva where he is accepted for who he is, even if he’s not a mitzuyan.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 1:26 pm

Squishy wrote:

Don't write it until you get your rejection letter. If your son is possibly on their radar, they won't deal with you because they will consider you difficult parents.

No there will be no rejection letter. That’s it.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 1:27 pm

amother wrote:

I’m not sure these actions are related to you being divorced. It’s a result of gaiva.
I can guess this is 1 of 2 yeshivas my son interviewed at.
Be happy they were rude to you and not to your son.
The person who interviewed my son told him after the farher that he doesn’t know how my son will fit into his yeshiva.
I’m retrospect, if I would send a letter to the yeshiva it would be to thank them for not accepting my son.
I would rather him be in a yeshiva where he is accepted for who he is, even if he’s not a mitzuyan.

They were rude to my son they tested him on things they knew he never learned intentionally to make him fail.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 1:44 pm

The school was not meant to be so that's that.

Except for not offering you a chair, nothing seems out of line in terms of an interview. Was there someplace you could wait for your child except the hall?

Interviews are stressful. I remember the exam I took in sixth grade for entrance purposes and I came home - didn't even have the strength to answer how it went and went right to sleep at about 4 PM Very Happy

As for the scope of questions, perhaps they were deliberately testing him on stuff that he hadn't studied in order to determine his reasoning abilities when faced with new stuff rather than his ability to recite back what he had learned by rote.

amother

Silver

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 2:03 pm

amother wrote:

They were rude to my son they tested him on things they knew he never learned intentionally to make him fail.

This is common practice at these yeshivas.
Ask around. The goal is not to test him on what he prepared. Anyone can do that.
The goal is to determine who is a mitzuyan.
I know this is hurtful and feels personal, but it’s not!
One of my son’s classmates is in one of these top yeshivas and his parents are divorced.
He got in on the merit of being a top learner.

amother

Silver

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 2:04 pm

Also, be grateful the yeshivas who reject return the application fees.
The BY schools don’t do that.

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 2:13 pm

OP, if it will make you feel good, write that letter to get your feelings out...but don't send it. There is no point.

Then take a good look at the schools around you and decide what your son really needs. Look for a place that will nurture what is unique and good about him. And focus on that. Forget about everything else.

naturalmom5

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 2:21 pm

I can only speak for myself , but I would rather go to PS than deal with a place like that

Don't worry, OP . Hashem runs the world. Not the baali gaiva.
You're son will do just fine by the yeshiva that is smart enough to take him.

imorethanamother

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 2:31 pm

amother wrote:

They were rude to my son they tested him on things they knew he never learned intentionally to make him fail.

I had my incredible son get rejected from a top school, too. We made the mistake of going to contest it. Honestly? Waste of time. And my husband and I gained something extremely valuable from the experience - humility.

Don't waste your time thinking about it for a minute. Hashem wanted you to go through this to gain humility. Thank Hashem that you have a fantastic son who never gave you any academic trouble, and Hashem wants you to remember that many, many other parents have tzar over their children, and not to be haughty.

I thank Hashem for my amazing children, and if not for that rejection, my son would never be in the amazing yeshiva he's in! The Menahel is unbelievable and is so warm and caring to my son! He's learning so much more than he would have learned otherwise, because all I cared about initially was the prestige of the yeshiva, instead of figuring out where my son would really THRIVE.

This is an amazing blessing! Don't waste any of your time being angry over it! And it's so wonderful to hear about children who love learning gemara - is it okay if I have nachas with you on your behalf?

amother

Crimson

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 2:42 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

Thank you, you’re sweet.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 3:02 pm

I agree with above poster. I wanted my son to get into the "top" school which was supposed to be more to the right, with n tv....Well, it is but guess what?? The midos and treatment of my son was disgusting and I was forced to switch schools because of things his classmates did to him that were disgusting (the menahel looked the other way).

Op, like u, I was horrified and surprised that a top school which claims to value torah, would act like this. Well, sorry to say, its the norm in some schools.

Maybe they were mean to u and "set ur son up to fail" and maybe this is their modus operandi, who knows??

But, I can assure u that its a blessing that ur son didnt get in. U may be upset now but the truth is that hashem knows a different school is better for him. (the school my son switched to is so much better for him even though its not the "top" school and even though some kids have tv).

Regarding writing the letter, I would say to write it to get it off your chest. But, do it anonymously because u don't want to take chances of this principal using ur letter to twist things around and tell schools that u are uncooperative. However, the school probably wont pay any mind to your letter!!

I'm sorry that u had to go through such a horrible experience especially when u were expecting they would have proper midos in a "top" school. Hatzlacha and hope ur son gets into a different school. Its for the best that this school rejected him.

33055

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 3:14 pm

Iymnok wrote:

What you’re saying makes sense, but would you send your child somewhere where middos seem to not be valued?

I could send to a public school if I wanted a place that didn't value middos. I think not providing the parents with chairs while they wait is a typical guy move. They weren't thinking beyond the interview room. They didn't have chairs and then take them away for ther divorced couple. They were thoughtless for all.

OP's son's reaction didn't indicate their midos. Perhaps they could have coddled him somewhat, but my guess would be they wanted to see his ability to learn.

I still wouldn't scold the school in writing. It means nothing to the people receiving the letter.

imorethanamother

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 3:34 pm

Squishy wrote:

You make me laugh. "Typical guy move". So true! Guys don't think about the details. It's, "we need to interview, make sure we have that set up." The end. I don't think it was malicious.

When my seminary came around to interview, they didn't ask me questions they knew I'd learned. They asked me to read something I'd never seen before, and decipher it.

DVOM

Tue, Mar 05 2019, 4:17 pm

I feel for you OP.

My son went to a special education public school preschool from ages 3-5. He was born very premature and needed the support services that public school could provide (OT, PT, SLP, DIR, ABA). When we went for elementary school interviews we knew that it would be a mark against us. We were told by a few people not to put the name of the school on our application, but to put down the teacher’s name ('morah XYZ': he was in a class with Frum teacher and mostly Frum kids). We didn't want to lie by omission. It felt wrong to start an eight-year relationship that way. We figured that anyone who wouldn’t want to take our brilliant and adorable little guy because we’d gotten him the support he needed wasn’t a good match for us anyway. Even with this mindset though, rejection hurts. Most of the schools didn’t even bother to grant us an interview. One gave us an interview, but took one look at our application and said “Oh, we didn’t notice this… had we noticed we would never have called you in for an interview. We don’t take kids like that in our school, sorry we made you come in for nothing” and promptly stood up to dismiss us from the interview. My husband replied: “Great, thanks for letting us know. We don’t take schools like that for our kid. Had we known, we wouldn’t have come.” I walked out of there so proud of DH (soooo out of character for him!), but still hurting and embarrassed inside.

The school that took us: We’d been granted an interview and went wearily. The menahel sat us down, quizzed our kid on the aleph bais and parsha, schmoozed with us for a few minutes about the school’s philosophy and education system, asked us a bit about ourselves. We waited our hearts in our toes for him to comment on the fact that our kid was in public school. He never did. As we got up to leave, I said (with my husband kicking me under the table) “I’m sure you noticed, Rabbi XYZ, that we sent DS to public school these past two years. Do you have any questions about it?” He gave us a huge smile and said: “Mrs. DVOM, I’ve been an elementary school principal for 30 years, and a Primary Rebbe before that. What are you going to tell me that I haven’t already seen before? He needed help in speech, needed OT? Of course, we’ll need to talk before he starts school to see what sort of help he needs, but we’re going to love him and care for him just like any other little Jewish child. He’s going to do great here.” We’ve been in the school for six years now, and have three kids in school. I don’t always agree with everything the school does, but my boys really do feel loved, valued, and safe. I hope your painful rejection paves the way for the right school for your son.

Most people have reccomended not writing a letter, but I feel differently. I don't know if it will accomplish much, but if it is written in a respectful way, perhaps it will save another family from feeling what you felt. Perhaps wait until your anger has died down, until your son is safely accepted to another school, so that you can write clearly, without your frustration and anxiety for your kid diluting your message. I wish I would have written a letter to the school that aborted our interview, just to let them know how hurtful it felt from my perspective. I considered it, but felt that my husbands sharp (and super fun!) rejoinder kind of burnt that bridge. Either way, best of luck to you and your boy!