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How do I become more refined?



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thegiver




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 05 2019, 7:03 pm
Example:
Manner of eating—how do u eat in a refined way
Dress—how do u dress refined esp when baby manages to smear yogurt all over ur black dress lol
When someone cuts me off or does something stupid on the road, or when I’m a pedestrian and they don’t stop instead of hurling personal insults at them what’s the alternative? I need to do or say something instead! Smile what do u say (if u r a good example)
When my kids freak me out by almost running into the parking lot instead of screaming at them to pay attention in public I could... (fill in the blank)
When I’m asking my kids if they need to go potty what’s a better way to say that?
When ur kids just don’t listen how do you model refinement and calmness—how do u make them listen without raising ur voice or throwing antics haha
What is ur epitome of refinement?
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oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 05 2019, 7:13 pm
I find that when I speak in a soft voice I sound better and I feel calmer. Plus the kids listen better when I do need to raise my voice.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 05 2019, 7:15 pm
As they say in the hood, "You better check yourself, before you wreck yourself!"

Slow down, take a deep breath. You sound overwhelmed, and you're operating on pure survival instinct. The key is to learn how to not panic reflexively. That takes practice.

Fake being calm. Lower your voice. Don't rush so much. Eventually you will see that things around you will calm down, because it will reflect your behavior. Then you will start to feel calmer for real.

Save your yelling for real emergencies, like when a child is headed into the street. If you yell all the time, your kids will tune you out, and you'll never have a way to get their attention when it's crucial. Ask yourself before you yell, "Is this a life or death situation?" Missing the school bus does not count!

If your kids need to go, ask them if they "need to go to the bathroom".

For the little things, find some Emily Post books on etiquette, and Miss Manners for social situations. Those ladies knew all about class.

I think it's wonderful that you are asking these questions. We live in a very coarse world, and improving our corner of it is a step towards making things better for everyone.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Tue, Mar 05 2019, 7:17 pm
thegiver wrote:
Example:
Manner of eating—how do u eat in a refined way
Dress—how do u dress refined esp when baby manages to smear yogurt all over ur black dress lol
When someone cuts me off or does something stupid on the road, or when I’m a pedestrian and they don’t stop instead of hurling personal insults at them what’s the alternative? I need to do or say something instead! Smile what do u say (if u r a good example)
When my kids freak me out by almost running into the parking lot instead of screaming at them to pay attention in public I could... (fill in the blank)
When I’m asking my kids if they need to go potty what’s a better way to say that?
When ur kids just don’t listen how do you model refinement and calmness—how do u make them listen without raising ur voice or throwing antics haha
What is ur epitome of refinement?


Manner of Eating: Always place the fork down after taking a bite. Do not pick it up until I've swallowed my food. Obviously chew with your mouth closed. We don't talk at all while we eat so our dinner table is quiet, but that may have to do more with personality.

Dress - I wear business attire all the time and if something spills, I change my clothes but we don't have much spilling because we're calm and we only eat at the table BH. So the table can get messy, but we clean it up and move on. It's not an issue.

Road - I don't say anything. I just continue on my day.

Screaming at kids - I do not like screaming. If my kid ran into the road, and it has happened, I've sternly said that is unacceptable and very dangerous. The second time it happened I said the same thing and my son had to go in the corner. Calmly. We're very calm so not sure if it is refined or just nature.

Not sure if what you said has to do with being refined or calm though. I need to not INTERRUPT because that is a horrible habit of mine so please give me some pointers on that!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 05 2019, 7:33 pm
amother wrote:
I need to not INTERRUPT because that is a horrible habit of mine so please give me some pointers on that!


When you interrupt, you are basically telling the other person "Whatever I have to say is way more interesting and important than whatever you have to say." I'm sure that you are not a mean person, and don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

If what you have to say is urgent, then apologize and say "I'm sorry I have to interrupt, but my husband just came home and it looks like he needs to talk to me" or whatever the situation is.

If it's absolutely driving you crazy that you can't jump into the stream of conversation, then keep a notepad handy and write down what you want to say. A lot of people interrupt because they are afraid they are going to forget what they wanted to say.

If someone is boring you to death with long, self centered vents about mundane things, then just nod and make agreeable noises. Let your thoughts drift off from time to time, and come back when you feel a lull in the monologue. The person may really need a listening ear, and will feel better when she gets it off her chest. Consider yourself as doing a big mitzva by letting your friend use you as a sounding board. Everyone loves a good listener.
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