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Forum -> Children's Health
9 year old pulling out her hair
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:09 pm
I would like to ask about my nine year old daughter . She is bh a wonderful girl, good middos, smart and social. She is a very deep thinker and can be sensitive to others pain, as well as to others hurting her feelings.

She wears her hair in a long pony tail during the week. The other night as she was watching a video, I saw she had a long bunch of stands of hair out of the pony, in front of her face, while the rest of the hair was in a pony. I asked her why she did that and she said she wants bangs and also that she likes to play with it. Yesterday afternoon, when she came home, she was holding her hand on her forehead and said "I don't want you to see because you will be upset." I removed her hand and saw she had made herself a bald spot by pulling out some hair. I reacted negatively but not over the top. Later at night I saw it was even worse as she had probably been doing it again. I really lost it and told her that seeing her do this to herself makes me feel like crying and that kids who do this may need injections at the doctor to fix it and that it doesn't look pretty... She said it's hard to stop. I said when she feels like doing it she should daven to Hashem to ask Him for help to overcome it. She also asked me to make her hair in the morning a certain way so she will not have access to pulling. My husband promised her a prize if she stops. I asked her to remember that respecting her mother is a mitzvah and I really want her to stop. I cannot tell if it got worse overnight, it may have. ( She also mentioned that someone in school does this and I am worried she is copying.)

This morning I made her hair as requested and encouraged her in whatever ways possible and told her we love her...

Another habit she has is smelling her fingers. Not in a very obvious way and not all day, but it is there. I am suspecting she is anxious in some way although I don't know why. We did not have any big moves or changes in our home and I am actually around much more in the evenings than I have been in the past. I feel like she may have some OCD tendencies.

I'm sure you are seeing I am quite nervous... I said Tehillim and am waiting for the doctors office to call me back if they have suggestions.

Do you have suggestions for dealing with this?
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:30 pm
Please don't shame her and make her feel guilty. Any chance you are on Facebook? There is a private group for mom's of pullers. My 2year went through this for the last year til she pulled herself bald. You can pm me for the group info.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:32 pm
You are right, I'm trying not to shame her... I am still in the stage of gathering information an can't wrap my mind around this habit.... Perhaps I will Pm you. will the group be scary for me to be on?
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:37 pm
I pulled as a teen. By me it was definately stress and trauma related
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amother
Pink


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:43 pm
amother wrote:
I pulled as a teen. By me it was definately stress and trauma related

Same. It's called trichotillomania. Is there unrest in the home? Has she been exposed to trauma?

The exact cause of the condition is not known. Trichotillomania was previously classified as an impulse control disorder but is now considered an obsessive-compulsive related disorder in the latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Version 5 (DS-5, American Psychiatric Association).

For me it was trauma (emotional abuse) in the home.

People who have trichotillomania may also have other disorders, such as depression, anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Severely stressful situations or events may trigger trichotillomania in some people.

In my experience mentioning the hair pulling will just make it worse. Be there for her and show her you care. Get her help for her emotional issues and focus on that instead of the hair pulling. Go for help yourself and learn how to really connect and empathize with your child.

She won't be able to stop if she's getting pressure from others. She needs to feel that she's being accepted no matter what and then she will want to stop on her own. If the pressure to stop doesn't come from her own inner self and it comes from elsewhere, no matter how much she desires to look like everyone else, she won't be able to stop.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:52 pm
There are no big changes at home. No trauma I know of. I'm waiting for her principal to call me back about the happenings at school.

I do think she may have OCD/anxiety tendencies and we've read the children's books on it and tried to implement ideas from it. I do think to some degree shes improved.

I'm really questioning how to handle this situation in the moment. Do I tell her not to pull? If we go to a social worker is that calling more attention to it and making it a bigger problem?
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amother
Pink


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:58 pm
amother wrote:
There are no big changes at home. No trauma I know of. I'm waiting for her principal to call me back about the happenings at school.

I do think she may have OCD/anxiety tendencies and we've read the children's books on it and tried to implement ideas from it. I do think to some degree shes improved.

I'm really questioning how to handle this situation in the moment. Do I tell her not to pull? If we go to a social worker is that calling more attention to it and making it a bigger problem?

If you send her to a social worker for the hair pulling, it will not work.
If you send her to a professional who specializes CBT for the purpose of helping her with anxiety and OCD tendancies then that will help. The hair pulling will be dealt with in due time too once she has a handle on what she's feeling. And she will bring it up herself once she feels safe with the therapist.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 1:58 pm
amother wrote:
There are no big changes at home. No trauma I know of. I'm waiting for her principal to call me back about the happenings at school.

I do think she may have OCD/anxiety tendencies and we've read the children's books on it and tried to implement ideas from it. I do think to some degree shes improved.

I'm really questioning how to handle this situation in the moment. Do I tell her not to pull? If we go to a social worker is that calling more attention to it and making it a bigger problem?


Stop telling her not to pull, talking about kibbud av viem, promising her prizes, etc. All of this is increasing her anxiety. Tricotillomania is an anxiety based disorder, and you can make it worse with this approach.

Stay calm,stop reacting to the
Pulling, and be gentle with her. She needs therapy to work on the underlying emotions and anxiety that is causing this. Make sure you bring her to someone qualified to treat this.
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hotzenplotz




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 2:00 pm
amother wrote:
I would like to ask about my nine year old daughter . She is bh a wonderful girl, good middos, smart and social. She is a very deep thinker and can be sensitive to others pain, as well as to others hurting her feelings.

She wears her hair in a long pony tail during the week. The other night as she was watching a video, I saw she had a long bunch of stands of hair out of the pony, in front of her face, while the rest of the hair was in a pony. I asked her why she did that and she said she wants bangs and also that she likes to play with it. Yesterday afternoon, when she came home, she was holding her hand on her forehead and said "I don't want you to see because you will be upset." I removed her hand and saw she had made herself a bald spot by pulling out some hair. I reacted negatively but not over the top. Later at night I saw it was even worse as she had probably been doing it again. I really lost it and told her that seeing her do this to herself makes me feel like crying and that kids who do this may need injections at the doctor to fix it and that it doesn't look pretty... She said it's hard to stop. I said when she feels like doing it she should daven to Hashem to ask Him for help to overcome it. She also asked me to make her hair in the morning a certain way so she will not have access to pulling. My husband promised her a prize if she stops. I asked her to remember that respecting her mother is a mitzvah and I really want her to stop. I cannot tell if it got worse overnight, it may have. ( She also mentioned that someone in school does this and I am worried she is copying.)

This morning I made her hair as requested and encouraged her in whatever ways possible and told her we love her...

Another habit she has is smelling her fingers. Not in a very obvious way and not all day, but it is there. I am suspecting she is anxious in some way although I don't know why. We did not have any big moves or changes in our home and I am actually around much more in the evenings than I have been in the past. I feel like she may have some OCD tendencies.

I'm sure you are seeing I am quite nervous... I said Tehillim and am waiting for the doctors office to call me back if they have suggestions.

Do you have suggestions for dealing with this?


Please google: NAC (N acetylcysteine) and trichotillomania
NAC and obsessive compulsive disorder
NAC and trauma
NAC and the brain
NAC and depression
NAC and anxiety disorders
This amino acid has done wonders for people healing them from OCD, hair pulling, nail biting; behavior people done uncontrollably.
It comes in a capsule. If she can't swallow, open the capsule to pour the contents into juice
or even soda.
It is simple and safe and worth a try.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 2:00 pm
Ok. I hear your advice...
Anyone have a recommendation in Lakewood possibly of a social worker who can deal with this?
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 2:03 pm
Thanks to the person who suggested the supplement. Her pediatrician said she should take a good multi vitamin daily. Maybe this is why.

He also said yo look out for anxiety, sleep or eating problems. But no real advice on whether to see someone professionally or how to handle things at the moment.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 2:06 pm
I was so ashamed of me when I did this- give her love
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 2:09 pm
I'm going to focus on the love.

Just wondering, the shame wasnt powerful enough to make you stop? How did you end up stopping ?
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 2:15 pm
I guess my trauma was stronger than the pain. When it became severe bald spot my mom took me to my ped to see why ‘my hair was falling out’ and then I knew I needed to stop- so I did . Transferred to extreme nail biting though
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 2:17 pm
Before you go off the deep end - hair pulling can be other things such as a self stim due to sensory difficulties
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amother
Pink


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 3:03 pm
amother wrote:
I'm going to focus on the love.

Just wondering, the shame wasnt powerful enough to make you stop? How did you end up stopping ?

No. It caused a viscous cycle of feeling horrible about myself and when I felt horrible I pulled more. And then the guilt and shame just kept growing and the pulling became worse. It's like a child who has emotional eating issues and the more the parent mentions their weight the worse they feel about themselves and the more they'll eat in private.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 3:06 pm
Amother pink: I wish I could have spoken to you way back when... I felt like the only one in the universe
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 3:12 pm
amother wrote:
There are no big changes at home. No trauma I know of. I'm waiting for her principal to call me back about the happenings at school.

I do think she may have OCD/anxiety tendencies and we've read the children's books on it and tried to implement ideas from it. I do think to some degree shes improved.

I'm really questioning how to handle this situation in the moment. Do I tell her not to pull? If we go to a social worker is that calling more attention to it and making it a bigger problem?


This is not about asking her to stop. She has no control at this point. She needs to see a psychiatrist and be prescribed meds.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 3:14 pm
To the last poster, this issue is 2 days old! Why psychiatrist before social worker?!
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Mar 06 2019, 3:16 pm
Have you asked her?! I’ve found sometimes asking children the obvious will get pretty interesting answers
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