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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
First daughter is a kallah bh, younger sisters are resentful
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amother
Oak


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 12:57 am
My first daughter is a kallah bh, and though she is not the oldest and we have done shidduchim before, my younger daughters are aggressively acting up. They balk at every chore, yell back, answer back, are openly jealous for every purchase we make kallah related and give me a bloody hard time. They are ages 12 and 14.

Is this typical? How do I deal with this?
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 1:03 am
Can they come along shopping once in a while? Or can they be more involved in decisions regarding fashion or taste?

Like, Rikkie, what do you think about this dress linen set dishes set hall menu etc etc?

Or, if they resent babysitting while you shop can they be compensated with a razzle a nice thank you card or something else? Just to give them the feeling that you really do care and appreciate them.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 1:21 am
How long is the engagement going to be? Is this the kind of thing that will naturally just resolve itself in a month or so when the wedding is over or is it going to last a while?

It does sound like they must have some unmet needs here. Very understandable from both your side and theirs.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 1:58 am
I think you should emphasize to your younger daughters that this is an important time in your family, and you hope they can participate fully in the preparations and help their older sister enjoy this special time in her life. It would be a shame if all she remembers about this time in her life is that her younger sisters were not helpful ad supportive. Let that sink in.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 3:13 am
Try spending time with them with zero wedding talk. They are probably feeling left out, but can't allow themselves to say so.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 3:58 am
I do think it's typical for 12 and 14 year old girls to give their parents a "bloody hard time", just based on their ages, but it's hard to tell based on what you posted what's going on.

Are you sure this is wedding related? They have a bunch of hormones going through their bodies. Is this instigated more by one daughter than the other?

Is the wedding planning truly all-consuming that their needs aren't being met?

Are they particularly close to this sister such that the thought of her moving out is stressing them out?
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 4:15 am
Can you say something like "This is Frimchy's special time and we need to focus on her for a while. IYH when you get married I'll be excited to do the same for you?"
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 7:46 am
Something is up. Their needs aren't being met.
When I was that age and my sister was engaged I was thrilled with the entire process.
I got a haircut and my hair blown for the vort while my sister the kallah had her hair and makeup done.
I bought 2 sheva brachos outfits while sister bought 6.
I went along to the dressmaker and all of us had our new clothes altered.
I was excited overhearing my sister's conversations with her chosson and her friends.
It was a thrilling time. Great fun and excitement!
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 8:39 am
What happens to their workload and responsibilities at home without their engaged sister? How much more will they or do they need to do?

Also, when you did this with the last kid, how were they affected? And how long ago was it? Completely different scenario, but my next youngest got really upset during our most recent high school search, because the previous search was really hard on her. We were gone a lot, the talk in the house was about things she didn't understand or care about, and she felt her needs were being invalidated as nuisances.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 9:27 am
I think there's something going wrong there... How is the kallah treating her sisters? There are girls who constantly remind everyone how special they are because they are a kallah. I also resented those girls ... They think they are royalty because they are getting married and their behaviour is extremely annoying. Is she acting this way?
How is their dynamic in general?
Are you telling the younger ones there's no money while the kallah gets everything she wants?
I don't treat my daughters differently when they are engaged, I know some people do. All their conversations revolve around the kallah and I can understand why the siblings feel like screaming if that's the case.
Chores are something kallahs should also do, they shouldn't be treated like royalty while their siblings are treated like normal kids. If money is tight, its tight for everyone including the kallah. I don't see why she gets extravagant Sheva brachos outfits while the siblings don't. We never had issues with jealousy regarding weddings but I always make it clear that finding a zivug is not something one should brag with, it's a blessing to find ones zivug and it doesn't make anyone special.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 10:54 am
They're probably feeling left out . Try to include them in the preparations by taking them along shopping once in a while. Don't have them babysit all the time & bring them home a little treat. Make sure the kalla treats them nice. They also may feel emotional that their first sister is getting married.
When my sister's got married, we had a rotation of going along shopping & my mom treated us when we babysat. You have to make sure not to put too much on them.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 11:11 am
amother wrote:
I think there's something going wrong there... How is the kallah treating her sisters? There are girls who constantly remind everyone how special they are because they are a kallah. I also resented those girls ... They think they are royalty because they are getting married and their behaviour is extremely annoying. Is she acting this way?
How is their dynamic in general?
Are you telling the younger ones there's no money while the kallah gets everything she wants?
I don't treat my daughters differently when they are engaged, I know some people do. All their conversations revolve around the kallah and I can understand why the siblings feel like screaming if that's the case.
Chores are something kallahs should also do, they shouldn't be treated like royalty while their siblings are treated like normal kids. If money is tight, its tight for everyone including the kallah. I don't see why she gets extravagant Sheva brachos outfits while the siblings don't. We never had issues with jealousy regarding weddings but I always make it clear that finding a zivug is not something one should brag with, it's a blessing to find ones zivug and it doesn't make anyone special.


If money is tight then yes the kallah gets the fancy clothing first. Seriously, it's a once in a lifetime thing to get married. The sisters will get their turn. I dont understand your thinking at all. Obviously she needs to do her part to pitch it and be a member if the family but ur taking this too far. She gets the clothing and shopping money first. Not the sisters.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 11:44 am
Causemommysaid, you are right. But it all depends on the attitude of the mom and the way she explains it to the girls. It's no big deal to treat the younger girls once in a while. It's no big deal to take them along shopping. If the girls feel left out and have to do more chores, of course they're being resentful.
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yersp




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 12:25 pm
I was 12 when my sister got married. I was very jealous of her because she was leaving me out of everything. From shopping for herself to shopping for the apartment or for her chosson. She didn't involve me in anything and I was hurt beyond words. She had this air of now it's HER time and therefore I did not matter. She ignored me so much that I hated every minute of her engagement, wedding and sheva brochos.
Even at sheva brochos I cried that I was being ignored and no one cared. You can't imagine how it hurts.
She told me later on as if to justify her behavior that she was a kallah and I was just a little girl what did I understand. And boy I gave her a hard time when it was time for me to get a dress. Every single suggestion she made I davka said no and picked something way different. I hated it but if that was my only way of rubbing it in and getting under her skin, I did that and anything under the sun.

Even to this day, whenever this sister makes a simcha, she thinks she's the only one and will leave me out in the cold.

Guess what was the best revenge? When it was my turn I davka kept her in the dark about everything.
But it's a cycle that never ends because when this said sister's daughter got engaged she hit me right back by leaving me out of everything.

Uch, it was so stupid

My advice: involve your daughters. Ask their opinions and not on stupid stuff. Involve them in picking stuff, make them feel important. Obviously in personal things keep them out of it, but the more you involve them in the everyday things they'll cooperate and be the happy sisters of the kallah.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 12:25 pm
causemommysaid wrote:
If money is tight then yes the kallah gets the fancy clothing first. Seriously, it's a once in a lifetime thing to get married. The sisters will get their turn. I dont understand your thinking at all. Obviously she needs to do her part to pitch it and be a member if the family but ur taking this too far. She gets the clothing and shopping money first. Not the sisters.


I was that resentful teenager, so I'll give you my side. I was the one who had to step in to take over the extra workload of the house, but whose needs were consistently pushed aside with the refrain "you'll get your turn". So when the Kallah was too busy to do her chores, I had to step in. When mom needed to be out of the house, I had to babysit and take care of the younger ones. But when I needed or wanted something, it was always "its not the right time", "we don't have extra funds for it", or "we'll talk about it another time" (which was never). etc..

Being Chassidish, this went on for 6 months. My mother couldn't take me shopping with my sister, cause she needed someone to be home for the kids. She couldn't get me a new dress of have my hair styled nicely for the shabbos sheva brochos, because there wasn't enough funds for it. We didn't have a cleaning lady, so there wasn't anyone else who could assist with my sister's chores. When Yom Tov came around during the occasion, all the focus was on the chosson's gift, and having my sister be prepared for the visit to the mechutunim, while I was the one expected to prepare the household for Yom Tov. I don't think my parents realized the extent of how they were acting towards me at that time, they were so wrapped in the preparations of the wedding.

I understand that its a very hectic time for parents, but parents should at the very least set aside some time for the younger ones. Take them out for a day, get them something special, and at the very least show some understanding of how the pressure increases for them as well. Yes, the Kallah gets the clothing and shopping first, but that doesn't mean the sisters get nothing. Do something for them that makes them feel special too - whether its getting them an extra new dress or having their hair styled for that sheva brochos.

Children need parents even during a sibling's engagement.
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yersp




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 12:27 pm
amother wrote:
I was that resentful teenager, so I'll give you my side. I was the one who had to step in to take over the extra workload of the house, but whose needs were consistently pushed aside with the refrain "you'll get your turn". So when the Kallah was too busy to do her chores, I had to step in. When mom needed to be out of the house, I had to babysit and take care of the younger ones. But when I needed or wanted something, it was always "its not the right time", "we don't have extra funds for it", or "we'll talk about it another time" (which was never). etc..

Being Chassidish, this went on for 6 months. My mother couldn't take me shopping with my sister, cause she needed someone to be home for the kids. She couldn't get me a new dress of have my hair styled nicely for the shabbos sheva brochos, because there wasn't enough funds for it. We didn't have a cleaning lady, so there wasn't anyone else who could assist with my sister's chores. When Yom Tov came around during the occasion, all the focus was on the chosson's gift, and having my sister be prepared for the visit to the mechutunim, while I was the one expected to prepare the household for Yom Tov. I don't think my parents realized the extent of how they were acting towards me at that time, they were so wrapped in the preparations of the wedding.

I understand that its a very hectic time for parents, but parents should at the very least set aside some time for the younger ones. Take them out for a day, get them something special, and at the very least show some understanding of how the pressure increases for them as well. Yes, the Kallah gets the clothing and shopping first, but that doesn't mean the sisters get nothing. Do something for them that makes them feel special too - whether its getting them an extra new dress or having their hair styled for that sheva brochos.

Children need parents even during a sibling's engagement.



Yessssss

I was shaking my head along agreeing with you 100%!!
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 12:34 pm
Obviously there's a balance but if there is limited time and resources the kallah does come first. I fail to see why that is so controversial.

I have no idea what is going on in the OPs house, I'm responding to the idea that "why should the kalla get anything special if there isnt money for the sisters?"
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 12:42 pm
empathizing and validation as well as appreciation go a long way to involving everyone happily
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amother
Denim


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 12:48 pm
causemommysaid wrote:
Obviously there's a balance but if there is limited time and resources the kallah does come first. I fail to see why that is so controversial.

I have no idea what is going on in the OPs house, I'm responding to the idea that "why should the kalla get anything special if there isnt money for the sisters?"


If, as the OP stated, the sisters are aggressively acting up, then that's a strong sign that something is amiss.

And there's a difference between the Kallah coming first, and the Kallah getting it all. Even with limited funds, there's a way to get something for the others
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Sun, Mar 10 2019, 12:54 pm
I was 13 when my older sister got engaged. I was the next girl in line, and my mother pretty much expected that I would be thrilled to pick up all the slack due to the simcha. My sister was in la-la land and pretty much thought the same. I remember the day before 9th grade midterms, my parents were away for the day, and my sister informed me she's going out with her Chassan. I was left to babysit all my younger siblings, give them supper, bedtime, etc...with two mid-terms in a highly academic school the next day. I was not a happy camper.

OP, if your girls are acting up, try to think about how this is affecting them. Are they being given too many chores. Are they being given some special time for themselves.
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