First daughter is a kallah bh, younger sisters are resentful

33055

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 7:11 pm

amother wrote:

Why? Is this the first and last time she has the chance to buy clothes?! Are all stores closed after her wedding? My daughters have more than enough clothes, they didn't need any new ones. We got new ones because obviously one should look especially nice during Sheva brachos. But I will never treat my engaged children lie queens and Kings while my other ones have to stand by and watch their siblings get spoiled. In our family everyone gets what they need. Just because it's a once in a lifetime thing doesn't mean the world stops turning for everyone else. Why does she need more expensive clothing than her sisters? Obviously the wedding and wedding dress etc is something else but shabbos outfits and Sheva brachos outfits won't cost more than what her siblings get. If she wants to spend crazy amounts of money on clothes... She can get a job and pay for it herself.

The bride is beginning her adult life. Presumably, she could wear the clothes for years. She will have many occasions where she needs to be dressed up. This is not the case for the 12 and 14 year old girls. They need age appropriate outfits which will look childish in a few years on them. Their peers will not be getting married for years.

Do you wear the same quality outfits that you dress pre- teens in?

tigerwife

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 7:34 pm

I’m with causemommysays on this one. I think a kallah should be treated like a princess, and I hope I raise my daughters well enough that their 3-4 month stint of kallahhood won’t spoil them for life. Many kallahs go through difficult engagements; they are making possibly the biggest decision of their lives, they have a whole new family to learn, they are learning taharas hamishpacha which sounds so much more difficult in theory than in practice. Some extra attention and special clothes/items won’t cure anything but it certainly can help.

Of course you his doesn’t mean the rest of the family should be neglected. It’s an extra effort, not siphoned effort from the rest of the kids. To the OP, it sounds like your younger ones do need some TLC and a heart to heart each to figure out what is bothering them exactly. It’s just the beginning of balancing the singles and marrieds... Good luck!

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 7:52 pm

Squishy wrote:

As a side note - To me, buying so many new clothes on the account of she can have them for years in her adult life is really a delusion. In most cases, the kallahs are pregnant within the year or two, and their figures change. Bust size changes, hips and waist measurements arent the same etc. Additionally, they need maternity clothing, so they're back to shopping for more clothes again.

And styles change so fast. Many young women do want some updates to their wardrobes. Stocking that closet from wall to wall is really a waste of money.

33055

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 9:56 pm

amother wrote:

I don't think the intention is to be able to wear the clothes for years in the future because as you point out bodies change. BH I am able to fit in my Shiva broucha clothes. I like classic understated styles, so I was projecting my experiences. I also still have sweaters from college.

A kallah's new life calls for adult clothes like all her friends are getting. She may have some already, from working or dating, but it is unfair to spend the same amount on clothes on the kallah as you do for young teens. It's her special time.

When those teens get married, will the khallah also get equal clothes? That's the only thing that is equitable if you make the kallah be equal to the young sisters.

amother

Gold

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 10:19 pm

When I was 12 and 14 I was soooo insecure. Definitely going through somewhat of an ugly duckling stage, and most of the time I just wanted to be invisible in public. I had three siblings get married during that period, and it was very stressful for me. It was that in between stage when I looked (and acted!) kind of like an overgrown child but definitely not yet like a young adult. At the vort, aufruf, wedding and all of sheva brachos I just felt really awkward and nerdy and hated that everyone would be looking at me and talking to me. Maybe your dds are feeling similar to the way I felt.

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 10:20 pm

Squishy wrote:

Of course it's unfair to spend the same amount on clothes for the kallah as for the young teens. I was never implying that. My point was that the young teens should be getting something as opposed to nothing (or next to nothing). They need to be somewhat considered in the ongoing preparations for the simchas, and that consideration shouldn't only be how they can help out during the process.

33055

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 10:35 pm

amother wrote:

I was responding to the poster who said they should get equal.

WhatFor

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 12:12 am

amother wrote:

OMG. Out shopping for tnoyim and a whopping responses!

So here's the the thing. Kallah isn't a royal princess AT ALL. She is still in school, has the biggest share of workload in the house from laundry to bathing to cleaning. I have adequate amount of outside cleaning help so cleaning doesn't exactly fall on the girls. The previous chassunas were sons, so it basically revolved around gifts for the kallah and shopping for all of us for the simcha. It occurs to me that it is either upsetness of a sudden increase in babysitting duties which was usually covered by said kallah and now suddenly befell them, or a bit of jealousy that so much revolves around the kallah. I try my best to not make them feel left out, as in having their hair done professionally for the tnoyim and getting them new (cheap) jewelry, but after all, it's the kallah getting a new dress,new shoes, having everyone admire how great she looks, blah blah.

I so hope they will get accustomed to the new "sister kallah life" of a frenzy of shopping and getting things done, and I hope I will be able to squeeze some "girl time" in for them too. I just can't handle the stress of marrying off a daughter while her sisters are mulling me down.

IMO, given their response, I think it might make sense to stop asking them to pick up the babysitting slack.

FWIW, there are chinuch schools of thought that discourage requiring older kids from babysitting for younger ones since they didn't choose to have them (as opposed to asking them to do basic household chores that contribute to the family and also benefit them). Even if you don't usually go by that, now may be a time to back off of that. They didn't choose to have the kids and it's not their fault that their older sister is getting married. They still have needs that they seem to feel are not being met and adding chores to that probably exacerbates the situation.

Even if you don't like their attitude and want to correct it, it doesn't seem like you're in a space right now where you have the time to implement a chinuch protocol. It'll probably be communicated as rushed and agitated and just probably not worth it. So I'm thinking at this time maybe just minimize the trigger points, and extra chores seems to be one of them?

amother

Taupe

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 5:25 am

amother wrote:

Oh how I dream of fitting into my shabbos Sheva brachos outfits again!

amother

Rose

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 5:43 am

I think increasing babysitting duties (or any duties) at this stage is a recipe for resentment. It seems your dds are already helping out, I would be grateful for that.

Long term, it would probably be wiser to take the girls out with you or let them do their own thing, rather than have them babysit more.

Finally, I do think a kallah deserves special attention, and obviously more should be spent on her than on her siblings (that's just the way it is. She needs more outfits, household stuff, more make up etc). Of course, a healthy ratio is good here; the sisters also deserve new things and should feel special as sisters of the bride.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 5:52 am

Squishy wrote:

In fact I do. We all have inexpensive clothes mostly and a few expensive ones (shabbos/Yom tov/simchos). I don't spend more money on my clothes than on my kids. My skirts are 10-20$, I get them on sale.

You're talking as if women wear their clothes for 25 years after they bought them. You believe that your daughters won't go shopping for years after you spent a huge amount of money on their Sheva brachos outfits?
I buy Sheva brachos outfits, nice ones. And they definitely cost more than what I usually spend on clothes. But my other kids get nice shabbos outfits aswell.
The kallah will have many occasions when she will have to be dressed up once married you said... She will also have many occasions where she can go shopping.. I won't buy huge amounts of clothes for the next 7 years? Who does that?

amother

Papaya

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 5:57 am

causemommysaid wrote:

I really find this thread shocking.

Kallahs dont get to sit around like queens while their sisters serve them. Where did I ever say that? Most young kallahs are working and in school. They aren't laying around all day.

I think it's pretty standard that a kallah needs to go shopping. She needs wedding stuff, household stuff, and yes some clothing for sheva brachos. Why is this considered spoiled? I dont get it. Who said the sisters cant get a new outfit? I'm saying the sheva brachos are for the chosson and kallah not for the sisters and therefore shopping for the kallah comes before shopping for a 12 year old.

Household stuff and wedding stuff isn't what I'm talking about. I know families who fly their kallahs to a different country to go shopping while the other kids stay home.
I know other families who spend so much money on the kallah (which they don't have btw) and then tell all their other kids, there's no money for whatever they NEED. The priority there is the kallahs initials on the bed sheets and towels. And that's what I refuse to accept. One of my friends had a sister who went so over the top with her wedding, she got everything she wanted and the younger sister (last one) was told well there's not enough money for seminary for you ,sorry.
All the sisters went.. but then too much money was blown on the wedding and too bad they were in debt. How can anyone consider this fair?

causemommysaid

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 10:46 am

amother wrote:

If that's what you took from my post then we are not speaking the same language.

ShishKabob

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 10:55 am

I have a different spin on this. I think it's not a bad time for siblings to learn that during a time of simcha aka stress, it's a time of fun and excitement. It's also time to help out extra and to try to lessen your mothers burden due to the fact that she is so busy. \

If they don't learn this now, they're bound to grow up to be pretty resentful and spoiled adults. They're going to have many more simchas to deal with Beezras Hashem. It's bound to happen at one point or the other. It's the same when a sibling is ill chalilah. That's why we always say; "nor oif simchas".

That said and done, I agree that all childrens needs must be met even during a simcha or illness time as best as possible.

I also think that a kallah's attitude is a personality thing as well as achieved by osmosis. A very considerate, kindhearted, good daughter and sister will usually be cognizant of her siblings needs and wont take advantage of this stage.

Otoh, If the mother feels that a kallah is entitled to forfeit all responsibility due to the upcoming marriage, usually a kallah will slide into this role very easily. That of course can breed resentment or it can make the siblings look forward to that time when they will be treated like royalty as well.

amother

Blush

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 10:55 am

Squishy wrote:

I don't have teens yet, but most people I know are spending more on their teen's clothes than on their own. I do run in more low income circles though.

33055

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 12:36 pm

amother wrote:

I never said that OP should buy outfits for the next 7 years. I also never said OP should stuff the closets wall to wall with outfits as Denim responded to my post. As you asked, who does that?

I don't know what your weekday clothes has to do with the Kallah's non-weekday clothes. I am the first one that enjoys a good bargain, but I don't compromise on quality. The quality of the kallah's clothes at the Shiva brouchas should be finer than her little sisters' clothes. That's pretty much the rule where I live. There is a certain style clothes for shidduch dating than there is for regular teenagers. DD and all her friends have announced for years when certain teachers enter shidduchim because their clothing style changes.

I am not saying the sisters of the kallah shouldn't get nice clothes also, but the Kallah's and yours should nicer.