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Purim and the Special Needs Child
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amother




Brown


Post  Sun, Mar 10 2019, 10:23 pm
amother wrote:
OP here
You all gave me a ton of chizuk.
Thank you sooo much!
I think I’m gonna really make this work!
We can hear the Megillah in morn.
Deliver a couple of MM.
No dressing up in costume.
will prepare some food to be our Seudah and eat at a hotel.
Check into one & swim the afternoon away & eat in the hotel room after a few hours of working up a nice appetite from swimming.
Maybe we can even sleep over Cz no school next day.
The more I type the more I like this idea:)
Now I have to convince my Dh to try it.
Will beg him to have an open mind & do it this way this one time and see how it goes.
Again thank you for your input
Will keep you all posted !


If ur dh is a more traditional type and can’t get on board u can always make Purim the most low key possible at home- a nice supper seuda just the three of u and go to the hotel with your son the next day to swim etc.

Once we took the pressure off of Purim even the ones at home were fine. We did megilla/ delivered the minimum and have a low key seuda ppl who knock get answered by the person least likely to be annoyed... my husband is also happy to learn quietly for hours and I say tehillim. Again just calm and chill and it passes...
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amother




Crimson


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 4:23 pm
OP here.
I just left my daughter in laws house. Tried to explain to her what I’d like to do on Purim. I got all defensive & I couldn’t get the words out.
I think I must have said something like:
I want Purim to be a day that will be fun & a day that by the end of it I (& my child) will not be frustrated & upset. & want to look forward to Purim every year & not dread it.
I said I’d like to go to Megillah reading in the morning, come home & deliver MM to teacher, & you (my son & dil).
As an aside, for some reason it seems like we come from 2 dif worlds on Purim- us and my dil family. They are married for 8 years and from the very beginning they thought (well, really her) that they didn’t have to come to us to deliver MM, - my Dh feels, and I think rightfully so, they should come to us. But after a couple of years of miscommunication, we didn’t see the kids on Purim at all. So last year we went to them, not for the Seudah, just to see kids, deliver MM & zahhu.

Back to the conversation-
So after delivering MM I said I wanted to go swimming & perhaps eat Seudah in hotel too. Even saying it sounded so utter ridiculous. She was very angry faced stating - so what your telling me is that you want to go swimming on Purim??? And what about Seudah?
She said for her, Purim is a very special holy day. & a huge day for tfillah. She likes to rest up & daven while the kids go deliver MM to friends / teachers. 😳😬😞.
I feel very silly & dumb.
Maybe I do let my son control my life, just like they say I do.

Lots more was said but I can’t being myself to type it all out.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 4:32 pm
amother wrote:
OP here.
I just left my daughter in laws house. Tried to explain to her what I’d like to do on Purim. I got all defensive & I couldn’t get the words out.
I think I must have said something like:
I want Purim to be a day that will be fun & a day that by the end of it I (& my child) will not be frustrated & upset. & want to look forward to Purim every year & not dread it.
I said I’d like to go to Megillah reading in the morning, come home & deliver MM to teacher, & you (my son & dil).
As an aside, for some reason it seems like we come from 2 dif worlds on Purim- us and my dil family. They are married for 8 years and from the very beginning they thought (well, really her) that they didn’t have to come to us to deliver MM, - my Dh feels, and I think rightfully so, they should come to us. But after a couple of years of miscommunication, we didn’t see the kids on Purim at all. So last year we went to them, not for the Seudah, just to see kids, deliver MM & zahhu.

Back to the conversation-
So after delivering MM I said I wanted to go swimming & perhaps eat Seudah in hotel too. Even saying it sounded so utter ridiculous. She was very angry faced stating - so what your telling me is that you want to go swimming on Purim??? And what about Seudah?
She said for her, Purim is a very special holy day. & a huge day for tfillah. She likes to rest up & daven while the kids go deliver MM to friends / teachers. 😳😬😞.
I feel very silly & dumb.
Maybe I do let my son control my life, just like they say I do.

Lots more was said but I can’t being myself to type it all out.


Its really not her business where you go and what you do on Purim.

You point out that unless you go to her home, you don't see her or her kids. So its not like they come to you to hang out or to have the seuda, and will be missing out on that.

Purim is supposed to be fun. You're finding a way to make it fun for your son. Go for it.

BTW, and ob your first post, I wouldn't worry about a costume. But if you really want one for him, would he wear one of these?

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=thi....._ss_i_1_17
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 5:19 pm
amother wrote:
OP here.
I just left my daughter in laws house. Tried to explain to her what I’d like to do on Purim. I got all defensive & I couldn’t get the words out.
I think I must have said something like:
I want Purim to be a day that will be fun & a day that by the end of it I (& my child) will not be frustrated & upset. & want to look forward to Purim every year & not dread it.
I said I’d like to go to Megillah reading in the morning, come home & deliver MM to teacher, & you (my son & dil).
As an aside, for some reason it seems like we come from 2 dif worlds on Purim- us and my dil family. They are married for 8 years and from the very beginning they thought (well, really her) that they didn’t have to come to us to deliver MM, - my Dh feels, and I think rightfully so, they should come to us. But after a couple of years of miscommunication, we didn’t see the kids on Purim at all. So last year we went to them, not for the Seudah, just to see kids, deliver MM & zahhu.

Back to the conversation-
So after delivering MM I said I wanted to go swimming & perhaps eat Seudah in hotel too. Even saying it sounded so utter ridiculous. She was very angry faced stating - so what your telling me is that you want to go swimming on Purim??? And what about Seudah?
She said for her, Purim is a very special holy day. & a huge day for tfillah. She likes to rest up & daven while the kids go deliver MM to friends / teachers. 😳😬😞.
I feel very silly & dumb.
Maybe I do let my son control my life, just like they say I do.

Lots more was said but I can’t being myself to type it all out.


Shes completely, completely out of line. I wont address her behavior regarding not visiting you on purim.

But she clearly has NO IDEA what a holy job raising a special needs child is. And she has NO IDEA how hard it is.

Holiness and spirituality are measured by likeness to Gd. Taking care of the soul He entrusted you, nurturing snd nourishing it, is THE HOLIEST WAY you can spend this truly holy day. And Gd will hear the prayers in your heart.

Why even run this idea by her??

And by the way, I have never, not once, sided with a mother in law on this website!! As a dil who does not enjoy her mils vehement and intrusive opinions and advice, I usually "hear" the dils on here more. But this is astoundingly ignorant and insensitive.

A big yasher koach to you...may Hashem bless you in all your efforts for your so.
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amother




Lime


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 5:44 pm
MIL mother DIL DD here

Do not let anyone create any doubts in your mind about what you are doing.

She cannot understand, lucky perhaps for her.

You do not have to convince anyone.

In these types of scenarios it can help to role play a pat ready rehearsed phrase confidently in front of your mirror first. no joke. this can be helpful for many people.

It is easy to be vulnerable in these types of situations. Particularly with certain people. no wonder you felt defensive
"you are pandering..." blah blah blah

and whether she likes it or not your priority is to your children still living at home

id like to be DLZ and think she doesn't mean it or get it -- certainly NOT her business to voice it even if she does think it

TRUST YOUR GUT
do what you want what makes you feel joyful and light and only look forward

You can tell her "For the Jews there was light and joy, gladness and honor" -- so let it be with us" You betcha its holy and that is what you are doing. Fulfilling the mitzvah!
Joy breaks all barriers! Simcha poretz geder!

hugs and hatzlocha

kol haakvod to you for trying something new when what you have been doing in the past has not been working -- its for you also!

it was very nice of you to try to make a plan and schedule that included your stopping by there -- omigosh I better stop here -- like "sweetie there must be some misunderstanding I am not asking you for your opinion on my plans or on my choices I am trying to make a time we can come by to see you" ok say it nicely and warmly -- stay strong
if I weren't so worked up id say wait and then if you want calmly tell her as a teachable moment that what you'd been doing wasn't working for you and you are trying something different. v'zehu
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amother




Slateblue


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 6:39 pm
We do so many things differently in my home to create an environment that nourishes and respects the needs of our children. One of my kids has ASD and another ADHD. OP, I would ignore your daughter in law's criticism. I find that many parents with typically developing kids just don't get it.
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imasinger




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 7:41 pm
Great post, amother lime.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:17 pm
amother wrote:
OP here.
I just left my daughter in laws house. Tried to explain to her what I’d like to do on Purim. I got all defensive & I couldn’t get the words out.
I think I must have said something like:
I want Purim to be a day that will be fun & a day that by the end of it I (& my child) will not be frustrated & upset. & want to look forward to Purim every year & not dread it.
I said I’d like to go to Megillah reading in the morning, come home & deliver MM to teacher, & you (my son & dil).
As an aside, for some reason it seems like we come from 2 dif worlds on Purim- us and my dil family. They are married for 8 years and from the very beginning they thought (well, really her) that they didn’t have to come to us to deliver MM, - my Dh feels, and I think rightfully so, they should come to us. But after a couple of years of miscommunication, we didn’t see the kids on Purim at all. So last year we went to them, not for the Seudah, just to see kids, deliver MM & zahhu.

Back to the conversation-
So after delivering MM I said I wanted to go swimming & perhaps eat Seudah in hotel too. Even saying it sounded so utter ridiculous. She was very angry faced stating - so what your telling me is that you want to go swimming on Purim??? And what about Seudah?
She said for her, Purim is a very special holy day. & a huge day for tfillah. She likes to rest up & daven while the kids go deliver MM to friends / teachers. 😳😬😞.
I feel very silly & dumb.
Maybe I do let my son control my life, just like they say I do.

Lots more was said but I can’t being myself to type it all out.


Your daughter in law has tremendous chutzpah. I wish I was with you so I could have given her a slap in the mouth on your behalf.
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imorethanamother




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 9:55 pm
As someone with an autistic child, our children don't "control our lives". They steer our lives into paths otherwise not taken. There's a difference.

Your son is not making you do anything. If you really wanted, you would leave him home alone with an aide and do your own thing. Instead, you choose to make EVERYONE happy, even the person that it seems hardest to make happy. And in that zchus, I bless you that your Purim should be filled to the brim with happiness.

If it doesn't work out this year, next year Purim can always be something different. I think the hotel idea is so fabulous. For my child, sometimes he just needs to watch construction sites. If everyone always did the same exact thing in the same exact way, what a boring world that would be!
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amother




Crimson


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 10:31 pm
Mommy3b2c I wish you were there too!

I thank you all for being my cheer leaders. I come here & gain such wisdom & strength. You have no idea how much all your words are so helpful.
I hope I can stay strong & do what I think is right for everyone and still stay in the perameters of what is right halachically. Is it wrong to do something that I can do any Sunday??
Does it make Purim less of a special day and not Yom Tov-like? I guess I can ask our rav but what if he says it’s better not to ?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 12 2019, 11:13 pm
amother wrote:
Mommy3b2c I wish you were there too!

I thank you all for being my cheer leaders. I come here & gain such wisdom & strength. You have no idea how much all your words are so helpful.
I hope I can stay strong & do what I think is right for everyone and still stay in the perameters of what is right halachically. Is it wrong to do something that I can do any Sunday??
Does it make Purim less of a special day and not Yom Tov-like? I guess I can ask our rav but what if he says it’s better not to ?


Then he’s probably not the right rav for you. If you want, take a tehillm and daven while he swims. Ask Hashem to answer all your tefilos in the zchus of your efforts to do your best with the child he entrusted to you.
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