Totally at a loss of how to handle my child

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:36 am

So I'm hearing a lot of concerning things Like my oldest is an angel, the youngest gets all the attention, she's exactly like my mil etc... To me it sounds like she's acting out because she feels neglected and knows that you see her as "bad". I would take out time and give her one on one attention just you and her. I think she needs to feel loved and not just labeled as bad. Even if she has her moods and bad days, she has to have good qualities too. I would make sure to praise her every single time you catch her doing anything right or good. Also I would find a therapist who's expertise is helping parents dealing with out of the box/ difficult children. I think at this point you are just in a bad cycle with her and it might take you changing and doing something different to break it. Also your 10 year old should not be yelling at her ever, it's just not her place to be the parent.

amother

Orange

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:48 am

Dear Op,
First of all, hugs to you, it sounds like the situation is taking a lot from you emotionally.
When you described the babysitter situation in your op, it sounded exactly like what happens by us when I go out. DD 10 calls me shrieking that DD 8 is being horrible, she loves being mean to DD 4(yes, I have the same ages ). My 8 yr DD is usually a sweet, sensitive child, but she can make the entire house miserable sometimes. What she loves /needs most is lots of hugs, compliments (mostly exaggerated) , she loves it when I tell her how cute she was as a baby /toddler (not necessarily is every word accurate , )shmoozing in bed with her. I recently kept her home 1 day, it helped wonders! All these suggestions are cheaper and simpler than therapy etc.
I'm not a professional, and can't guarantee that this approach is the best, but I wish you siyata dishmaya, and may you see only nachas from all your kids!

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:52 am

OP, it sounds like you are a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to your kids behaviors.

One of the biggest things I learned when I took a parenting course as a young Mom, was that I am a mother, not a policeman. To be honest, I grew up with rather strict European-style parents, so it was rather liberating to me to hear that I don't need to be on top of every aspect of my kids as they grow up. It made my job much easier, to focus on just being a mother and letting other stuff out the window.

I found that hands-off parenting worked very well for me. Unless my kids are in some sort of danger, I took a step back from alot of things. It sort of freed me and let me preserve my energy for the big things.

For most of my kids' interactions, I let them figure things out for themselves. I was told that I don't have to own their problems, and I can let them work things out. She yells to get her toy back, he says something back to her? Let them work it out, so long as they aren't killing each other. Perhaps a mild interjection about cooling things down if it gets too heated, but nothing much more. DO NOT TAKE SIDES. Let them learn the powers of negotiation, it will serve them well in the future.

She wants to wear earrings that will get stuck in her hair? Great, she will learn the consequences of choices she makes all on her own.

In short, yes, it does sound a little bit like you are micromanaging and owning too many of your kids problems. Let them work it out themselves! That's what they will need to do as adults anyway, so let them learn those skills now! They will become more resilient that way, and it's lessons for life!

WhatFor

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:54 am

amother wrote:

My son has a large scar on his face. Yesterday I was alone with this daughter and she said to me “he has a freaky scar on his face” these are things she says that upset me. There was a nice picture of her and she said to her older sister “I look prettier than you”
Or my son was holding her toy and she screamed at him to give it back bc she will never share. So he screamed back something mean. These are events that happen daily.

OP, please seek counseling for yourself and I don't mean that in a critical way at all. There's nothing that you're describing about your daughter's behavior that's abnormal or alarming, but the way you're speaking about her is.

That's not to say that you're bad or anything; maybe you don't have the emotional capacity to deal with her. But that's not her fault and I don't think you should consider medication before you, yourself, see a licensed professional who has expertise in child rearing.

Iymnok

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:55 am

amother wrote:

Validate her. He does have a scar, scars can look scary. But he is a lovely boy so we know that the scar does nor make him scary.
Look at the picture. Compliment her beauty and how well she came out in the picture. Ignore the jab here, it’s a great place to insert an honest compliment.
It’s normal for a child to be upset when their possessions are used without permission. Address her upset,"DD, I see that you’re upset that Shmerel took your toy without asking. Can you find a nicer way to ask for it back?"

These examples are normal. She needs positive direction. If you see them all as negative, then you are setting her up for failure. She needs to be taught all these things you expect of her.

amother

Amber

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 9:42 am

Saying this out of genuine concern for your child my heart breaks thinking about how she must be feeling. Small children identify themselves according to the perception of those around them.. if everyone around her is labeling her as bad imagine how she feels sounds like you’re splitting (defining in extremes all or nothing google splitting) no one is totally bad totally good totally sweet we all have our struggles sounds like her bad behavior is a cry for help and attention. This sounds like an absolute textbook kid at risk. (Which I Hope she isn’t) She sounds like she needs bundles of love individual and mutually enjoyable time with you daily! Also a therapist to help you understand her and learn to have healthy limits for her in a non emotional way.. I’m sure it’s not easy and I feel for it you hard when ur in a situation to understand it objectively.. it’s not about feeling guilt for whatever was done wrong just pick up the pieces and move forward we ALL make mistakes bh you realizing this now while she’s still young and wants to have a relationship with you! Hope that nothing I said was hurtful and apologies if it was ❤️❤️

amother

cornflower

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 10:18 am

amother wrote:

I keep going through the advice here. I tried to be more loving to her tonight- kept running to her and asking for a quick hug and kiss - sometimes she told me no.
But then she wanted to play soccer with my son bc they do that at recess in school and she wants to get better at it and they played a while outside tonight. She came in at one point and I said you are sweaty - getting a good workout!! I was happy - and she ran to look in the mirror to see herself and see how red she was. But she apparently lost to my son 10-0 (and he told me he tried to let her score but even when he gave it to her she missed the net) and so she ran inside at the end crying screaming that she is no longer a “sporty” girl and ran to her room. My husband went to her and she screamed to him “leave me alone!” Which he did. Then she came down after a while and asked me to change her earrings. She had small ones in but said now that she’s not sporty she wants longer dangling ones - I never even realized she attributed her earrings to her playing a sport. I changed them for her. I don’t think she will like these dangly ones and I tried to convince her to keep the others in but she said no so I did it for her.
So seeing her reaction to losing soccer then made me revisit my thoughts of medication- I said to my husband maybe she needs something to regulate her moods? Her responses? To level her? I don’t know.

This is a little girl who is living in the shadows of her siblings. Her oldest sister is an "angel", her oldest brother is an only boy so he gets lots of attention, and her younger sister is the baby so she gets attention for that. This little 8 year old girl doesnt shine at anything so she is looking for something to be good at so she tried sports but her brother was better at it than her and all she was told is that she is sweaty. She wasn't taught that some of the best sports players failed before they succeeded. She wasn't told that boys and girls usually play separately because they have different strength levels and it wouldn't be fair for them to compete. She wasn't encouraged to practice more so she gets better at it. She wasn't praised for trying her best and encouraged to try again, only criticized for being sweaty (and op may have not meant it as a criticism but that is how a little girl could perceive it as). Then it gets even worse for this little girl--

amother wrote:

Her older brother has a scar and she expressed her feelings about it yet op ignored her little girls feelings because op was triggered. After all, her favorite (and only) son has to walk around with a scar on his face and how dare a little girl says anything negative about it. And how dare this little girl say that she is prettier than her sister who happens to be an angel. And how dare this little girl scream at the darling son to give her her toy back. Doesn't this little girl know her place that she is not allowed to say anything about or to the favorite, I mean good children in the house?

Op, you present as someone with a personality disorder that you now project onto this little 8 year old girl who has become the scapegoat in the family. And your other kids know this and take advantage of it knowing that they can get away with everything because only the scapegoat will be punished for daring to say or do things you don't like (did you punish or even talk to the 9 year old for taking his sisters belongings without permission?). I hope you find yourself a good therapist who will help you learn and understand your triggers and the problems that you are causing by compartmentalizing your kids into boxes they don't belong in.

amother

Green

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 10:28 am

Thank you. The only part that was misunderstood here was when I told her she was sweaty it was in a positive way like wow you are working hard out there look at you all red and sweaty - it was in a way that was excited. She ran to see herself in a mirror to see how red she was bc she was excited by it. So that honestly wasn’t anything negative. She hardly does activities (her choice, I’ve offered to her to do them all) so we were excited to see her moving around.
And I would have told her not to compare herself to her brother playing soccer if she gave me the chance. In the moment she closed off and wouldn’t talk to any of us. I would have told her - he plays it daily, he does it as extra curricular etc. I would have tried to tell her to try it again. She had asked me for private soccer lessons just a week or two ago and I didn’t know who to call for that so I didn’t act immediately. Or the logistics of it like where that would take place. I would do it for her to bring her confidence. I also asked her if she wants to do mommy and me yoga together to relax her a little. She is interested in trying that too. My 4 year old heard and asked to join and I said no I’m sorry it’s my time with the other daughter (in front of her).

amother

Green

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 10:33 am

In Terms of the scar, he wasn’t with me when she called it freaky. I said to her he’s your family, your brother. Don’t tear him down by saying that. Enough other children will tease him about it and as his sister you should be there to love him and not make comments like that.
She told me yesterday she was scared for the school to announce her birthday bc she thought my sons friends would boo her when they heard bc they don’t like her. Honestly I’ve heard she fights with his friends - even with her hands. That she hits them sometimes and they haven’t thank Gd hurt her back yet. But I told my son and he told me “oh she should have told me I would have told my friends not to do anything I would have made sure they didn’t boo her”
And then With the comment about the picture and her being prettier than her older sister - she said it to my daughters face. My older daughter was so upset she ran to her room crying.

trixx

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 10:46 am

amother wrote:

Thanks so much everyone. I definitely have my work cut out for me.
And yes I feel bad she couldn’t even score one goal. I didn’t want her to give up completely though.
I wanted to clarify about the dangly earrings I was trying to convince her not to use them bc she wore them once and complained her hair got stuck in them. Often she goes to school and comes home having taken her earrings out in school and I am always afraid she will lose one so I just felt like this was a bad idea for so many reasons. I tried to tell her she herself has said she didn’t like them bc they caught in her hair - she didn’t care so I put them in. Was that micromanaging?

Dd, you're saying that you want to wear these. I will remind you that last time it got stuck in your hair and if you take it out at school it might get lost. Let me know what you decide. I'll be in the kitchen if you need help putting them in.

Give her the autonomy to make a decision, she may have just become stubborn about it even if you were right.