How do u teach "be happy wat u have" & "help ur kids "fit in

amother

Azure

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 11:06 pm

If u are well to do or can afford extras pretty easily, u will not understand this post...unless u are not judgemental, but im wondering that for someone with limited means who is on tuition deduction and doesnt own a house but is trying to save up for emergencies ....

How do I teach my kids "Be happy with what u have" if at the same time, im trying to get them all these nariskeit because they need to "fit in"??? I think a line shld be drawn somewhere but I keep hearing ppl say its not good because if the kids feel different, it can affect them....but I dont want my kids to think ill get everything I want and we are all the same in terms of how we spend......because they need to learn that wen they are adults they need to spend differently than someone depending on....

However, even in my mixed neighborhood, the few rich kids will have the narishkeit or be spending on xyz and then everyone including me runs to get it for their kids so their kids dont feel different. But, we "others" are of limited means and I am not comfortable doing this but I dont want my kids to feel different.

How do u teach ur kids about being happy with wat they have if u are buying them everything so that they fit in??? I understand the need to fit in so one has to buy all....but I also know how important it is to stop buying these things so kids see we all spend differently and have different things and shld be happy with wat we have. These are conflicting!! Im so confused because while I understand kids and adults may want what others have at the same time, always looking at wat another person has and getting it ...will create a child who will never be happy because there will always be others with more...

How do u do it???

amother

Gray

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 11:33 pm

amother wrote:

There are no easy answers.
You need to aim for a balance -sometimes buy the narrishkeit, sometimes say no...
Base the decisions on a combo of how important it is to your kid, plus if you can reasonably afford it...
Kids don’t need everything to fit in. And hearing no sometimes is crucial to them not being completely self centered.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Mar 13 2019, 11:27 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Smokey

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 12:15 am

Agree with the above- it’s balance, but it’s also a function of where you live. Best is to live in a place where people live in line with your standards. If I could have, I would not have chosen to live where I do. But now my kids are too old- taking them out of their environment would only cause more problems. We are here for DHs job and he’s ok with spending money we don’t have on the kids. But it’s only getting worse. My younger kids friends have a lot more than my older kids friends did. Keep a close eye on what is going on and filter out what everyone has and what only some people have.

seeker

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 12:30 am

First of all, model the value yourself. Over the long term, what they see you do will have an impression. Let them see you not running to "fit in" with adult trends. You can even articulate it, like when you're out buying accessories you can say "I'm choosing this headband and not that tichel, because I know it would mean a lot to you to have the headband and I love you, but for myself I really don't need the latest thing because I'm happy with my old one."

Secondly, there are countless opportunities to be happy with what you have that are not material. Family setup, talent, hair color/curliness/etc, who got which part in the play, who got picked to be your partner for the science fair... as well as differences between siblings and not just friends.

Third, I really don't believe that anyone really needs "everything" to fit in. I fully admit that I could be naive about this but my impression is that as long as someone has SOME of the "in" things they're fine. It's bad to have NONE of the things that EVERYBODY has, and there are definitely some items that are more "key" than others, but nobody needs to follow ALL the trends. So give a little, and hold back a little. When possible, let the kid be involved in choosing which things to get and which to skip.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 3:53 am

If you have young girls, there's a lovely children's book called "Messes of Dresses". It's about a girl who becomes so obsessed with fashion that her house gets full and she can't enjoy things anymore. Once she gets rid of all but two of her dresses (everyday, and Shabbos) she realizes how much better things are.

Get your kids involved in tzedaka for those who don't have, and model the "attitude of gratitude." It's never too early to start a gratitude journal habit with your kids.

Explain to them that you can't get them every single new style, but ask them which things are the most important to them. They may not get the Ralph Lauren sweater the other girls have, but they really are dying to get the sparkly ankle boots or beige tights. If you give them a choice, within your budget, they'll feel like they have more control.

I bought DD black high top sneakers one year, because all the other girls had them. The girls started teasing her because they weren't the "Converse Brand". DD looked at them and said "My shoes were on sale 2 for one. I got two pairs of shoes, for less than you paid for one pair. I got the same style in the next size up, so when your shoes are worn out, I'll have brand new ones. " (That's my girl!) If the brand name was a deal breaker for DD, I would have paid for the expensive ones, but I was really proud of her that she was OK with how we worked things out.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 4:10 am

What Seeker said. I cant give enough thumbs up to her response. Thank you for your eloquence.

If you're happy with what you have, your kids will feel that. Seek out people whose lives were rich because they lived according to their values in joy. Read books like "Love and chicken soup", keep a gratitude journal, do YOU.

My two cents will not be popular here. When, IYH very soon, you will be in a financial position to give your kids and yourself more of the "finer things," dont succumb to the temptation of doing all then that you couldn't do now. The simpler, more tznius life you lead, even if you've got the dough, the healthier you and your kids will be. Try to keep your standard of living lower than you can afford. Make friends and surround yourself with people, rich or poor, that subscribe to this philosophy. Maybe Dave Ramsey enthusiasts?

It will trickle to your kids and stand them in good stead.

amother

Magenta

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 5:27 am

amother wrote:

As much as we like to think we are independent, the fact is that environment matters. If you live in a neighborhood where having the same stuff as everyone else matters, then at least some of your kids, if not all, will buy into that mentality. Living in a supportive environment is a huge part of chinuch.

This. People say environement is so important. They rake through schools, they insist their kids never meet another kid who has watched a movie or has a Disney knapsack. They want a school where everybody is exactly the same type of frum as they are, because they are convinced that environment has a huge effect.

Well, that environment will also have an effect money wise! You can't just choose the type of frum or academic environment you want, without admitting that the lifestyle of the kids there will have just as strong an influence.

saw50st8

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 6:39 am

My kids rarely get the "trendy" item because there is always something new. If it's cheap, I might be willing to get it (like fidget spinners) but I don't buy trendy brands. My kids don't seem too beat up about it.

I do explain to them that we can buy anything we want, but if we buy everything we want, we can't afford what we need. We recently talked about summer camp because I send my older two to our local town camp for half the summer and to sleepaway the second half. They don't love the town camp (it's ok, nothing amazing) but they loved going to sleepaway camp and they can understand that paying less than $900 for 4 weeks for 2 kids for the first half of the summer means that they can go away the second half.

thunderstorm

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 7:24 am

seeker wrote:

This is everything I would have said. Both DH and I model it for our kids. My sheitels over 10 years old and one of them is a hand me down. My kids know that I want a sheitel very badly. But that I won't spend some crazy amount just because everyone else does. I dress very well but wear lots of hand me Downs , cheap costume jewelry and always bought my shoes at Payless.
My kids will insist on a certain pair of shoes, a certain expensive coat or a specific sweatshirt. I'll forgo saving up money for my own things and buy them the item that they want badly while everything else they own are either hand me Downs or Walmart purchases.
There are times my DH will buy my son's items that are expensive. Not because they asked or begged. But because we feel they would greatly benefit from it. An expensive musical instrument ($1,000) will be played, an expensive bike ($600) will be used as a means for transportation to yeshiva AND they will be excited to use.
Then there are items that I wouldn't necessarily buy but if it's something really important to my child , I would. As others have said, there is balance.
I always put my kids extra needs before my own and they know that. I feel that message in itself is meaningful to them and often when they work and save up money they go and buy me gifts for my hobbies and things I love.
My kids as they get older start to earn their own money by doing odd jobs for their yeshivos and during bein hazmanim. They sometimes spend their own money on stuff that makes them feel "in". I will also look for items for them that are within my budget and surprise them with things that I know would make them feel extra special.
Each one of my children are different. One doesn't care about the look of things but cares about the label. The other doesn't care about the label but cares about the price, the other doesn't care about the price but cares about the look and the label. Each one is different and each one needs to be catered to differently.

amother

Copper

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 8:33 am

b"H I live OOT, b"H I can afford the "narishkeit" and b"H my children don't seem to care about it ( oldest is 8 so I might be in for a rude awakening Wink

) so feel free to ignore what I'm about to say.
I try to have it so that my dd is not the only one lacking but I also tell her that we don't want anyone else to be the only one either. We don't want anyone else to feel bad. I'll speak to her friends parents and see what they are doing. She knows I care about her and her feelings.

It sounds like plenty of people are in the same shoes as you. Noone wants their child to be the only one to not have something but can't really afford it either. If half the mothers decide they aren't going to buy into a certain narishkeit, it's no longer something your daughter will feel left out about.

I also make a big deal about how lucky my children are in a variety of ways, you are so lucky your daddy is so handy and built you __ you are so lucky that mommy and daddy are able to spend so much time with you.... They also know that every family is different and does things differently. when children feel blessed and they are used to not always getting everything they are more ok with it. Just my experience.

amother

Azure

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 8:56 am

amother wrote:

b"H I live OOT, b"H I can afford the "narishkeit" and b"H my children don't seem to care about it ( oldest is 8 so I might be in for a rude awakening Wink

Thanks for this. I agree with everything u wrote especially the fact that majority of ppl are struggling like me and want to have their kids fit in.....
I like that idea of "we don't want anyone else to feel bad". Its another way to approach this.

ShishKabob

Mon, Mar 11 2019, 11:51 am

I believe that you teach it by example. If you are truly content with what you have your kids will pick up on it. If you yourself are sorry about your financial state and about what you can't have, you can't really teach a good lesson.
You should also make sure to speak with your kids how lucky you are.
Do you have shalom bayis? Then your children are better off than many of the kids on the block. Do they have a loving relationship with their grandparents? Find things that you have that you can point out to them.
Give them something to be proud and grateful for. We don't have x but we have y.

However, there are always these children that have a flair for nicer things. There are also children that MUST have a certain something. You can't just dismiss their desires. They also need an outlet where to be able to satisfy that. It doesn't have to equal expensive though. Sometimes you can take a cheap top and add some trendy trimming to it and you have a very very trendy thing for a fraction of the cost. And sometimes, yes, we as parents make certain sacrifices so that our children can have that special something that they really need. I'm talking about thought out purchases, that you both determine that this child really needs.
Not about another pack of 'tzaddikim' cards and such stuff. Unless this is something that is necessary at that time.
Last, children can always try to buy some things themselves by earning the money. You'd be surprised how many things they suddenly don't need when they will be spending their own hard earned money.