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S/O Chesed for rich people
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amother




Amber


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 2:05 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Beautiful post, OP. I don't know why you are anonymous!

I think people often forget that tzedakah is for the poor....but Chessed does not differentiate.

My brother lives in E"Y, and he often used to invite a certain childless relative and his wife (Aleihem Hashalom) for a Y"T meal. This relative was from the US, and was fabulously wealthy (I heard that he used to donate 40K monthly to a certain Kollel - just to give you an idea.) He had no problem affording his hotel stay, with all the trimmings. But he and his wife enjoyed a home-cooked meal at the home of a caring relative. That is Chessed.


I'm anonymous because the Chesed Giver woman is so exceptional, I think she's somewhat famous. It's not just meals and rides, she constantly thinks of new and unique ways to help literally everyone. Sometimes, I try to do what she does and offer the same things to other people, and I'm never successful. People feel uncomfortable with me, but they adore her.

Everyone needs someone like this in their lives, to help you aspire to greatness! (And not come close! LOL )
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PinkFridge




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 2:11 pm
dankbar wrote:
I have a friend who's well off, who helped me in time of need. Now that she's making a simcha, well she can pretty much afford whatever she needs, so me sending something is not about the money just the thought. Maybe I can help her physically instead of monetarily, as appreciation.


Or you can make a donation to their favorite tzedaka in their honor.
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 2:22 pm
amother wrote:
let me respond from the other side. I'm the one with the hired help, the cook, the nanny and the open house for doing chesed bh.

I also had all this assistance due to being out on treatment for many years which all of you were unaware of.

When I finally did allow friends and neighbors to know I was ill, there was no hot soup when I came home from treatment, (because I must have help making that) , no offers to help my children with homework while their parents were at the hospital (because I MUST have he help hired or worked out) No offers to drive (because I can probably afford the Uber) and no offers for a fresh hot homecooked meal (because hired help could cook).

It would have been nice to feel cared for and not hired my own care.

At this point I am grateful I didn't rely on anyone's chesed. But I am sure there are others in my situation who wish the world wouldnt think those that "APPEAR " to have it together dont need the same OFFERs and care as those that have no money, have no family or just look like they need assistance.


I am a plain cook (zero creativity) and my car is from 2001. I didn't grow up getting a day school education and couldn't do limudei kodesh homework with my own kids. I would have imagined that you wouldn't have wanted what I could offer. Would you have wanted it?

In my mind it wouldn't be of value to you but it sounds like you are saying that any expression of concern would have helped.
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amother




Navy


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 5:48 pm
southernbubby wrote:
I am a plain cook (zero creativity) and my car is from 2001. I didn't grow up getting a day school education and couldn't do limudei kodesh homework with my own kids. I would have imagined that you wouldn't have wanted what I could offer. Would you have wanted it?

In my mind it wouldn't be of value to you but it sounds like you are saying that any expression of concern would have helped.


A bikor cholim visit or flowers or a plant or a box of chocolate would be appreciated
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amother




Tan


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 5:52 pm
PinkFridge wrote:
Or you can make a donation to their favorite tzedaka in their honor.

I'm well off and would not like that. It feels much better when the person themselves does it.
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 6:06 pm
amother wrote:
A bikor cholim visit or flowers or a plant or a box of chocolate would be appreciated


That sounds like something I could handle!
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amother




Blush


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 6:29 pm
southernbubby wrote:
I am a plain cook (zero creativity) and my car is from 2001. I didn't grow up getting a day school education and couldn't do limudei kodesh homework with my own kids. I would have imagined that you wouldn't have wanted what I could offer. Would you have wanted it?

In my mind it wouldn't be of value to you but it sounds like you are saying that any expression of concern would have helped.


Absolutely !! an offer for car pool for my children, an offer to pick up something from Costco, an offer to drive to an appt. A big heart and four wheels is all thats needed. 2011 and 2019 model get you to the same place. Who mentioned gourmet meals? A gesture of a $1.50 coffee or a pot of basic vegetable soup is something anyone would appreciate.
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 7:00 pm
We are very comfortable bh. And getting meals postpartum makes me feel like my friends care about me which is so nice. However, if they didn’t we could afford take out. But home cooked is so appreciated.
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 4:46 pm
flowerpower wrote:
Some people here have this silly attitude that if they are “old enough to get married” and “decided to have a kid” then they are capable of managing on their own- no help or support from ANYONE. Baruch hashem my mother taught me differently. She made sure we open our eyes and see who can use help and we should offer it. She taught us to give. We yiddalach are a family. We are supposed to help each other. That is how we survive and thrive.


That silly attitude is quite important.
It's good to have help when you need it but I sure hope you don't rely on it because it's not always there.
My sisters little one got cancer and somehow all the good people from the community didn't have time to help out with the other kids or with anything actually. She had to pay her non Jewish neighbor to help out with the kids.
So my advice.. you better be able to stand on your own feet or have a plan B. "Silly advice".
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 8:32 pm
amother wrote:
That silly attitude is quite important.
It's good to have help when you need it but I sure hope you don't rely on it because it's not always there.
My sisters little one got cancer and somehow all the good people from the community didn't have time to help out with the other kids or with anything actually. She had to pay her non Jewish neighbor to help out with the kids.
So my advice.. you better be able to stand on your own feet or have a plan B. "Silly advice".


But I see this as a symptom of people who are stretched too thin. I may have only made potato kugel for the PP mothers in my former community but I did several other types of chessed, some of which involved sick children.
For some people, food oriented chessed is easier because they are cooking anyway but they can't go running around. For me, some of the posters who suggested other ways to help made more sense.
I think we have to stop raising the bar if we want people to be there for their neighbors. The fact that I wasn't spending time cooking gave me the time to do other important chessed.
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 9:03 pm
Ugh. There hasn’t been a rich people thread on imamother that hasn’t made me queasy.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 9:14 pm
That's sad that she had to get to the non Jews for help. How is that, that none of her Jewish neighbors friends or family couldn't help?There are so many organizations that send volunteers in such situations when they dont have others to help.
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 9:30 pm
previous "wealthy" poster- I totally hear you. You just want to feel like people cared. It's not always even about the food or the ride or whatever, it's about people reaching out to you and saying I care how can I help you.
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amother




Gray


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 9:44 pm
amother wrote:
let me respond from the other side. I'm the one with the hired help, the cook, the nanny and the open house for doing chesed bh.

I also had all this assistance due to being out on treatment for many years which all of you were unaware of.

When I finally did allow friends and neighbors to know I was ill, there was no hot soup when I came home from treatment, (because I must have help making that) , no offers to help my children with homework while their parents were at the hospital (because I MUST have he help hired or worked out) No offers to drive (because I can probably afford the Uber) and no offers for a fresh hot homecooked meal (because hired help could cook).

It would have been nice to feel cared for and not hired my own care.

At this point I am grateful I didn't rely on anyone's chesed. But I am sure there are others in my situation who wish the world wouldnt think those that "APPEAR " to have it together dont need the same OFFERs and care as those that have no money, have no family or just look like they need assistance.


I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed. But from the other side - you made a choice not to tell anyone what you were going through. You're entitled to your privacy, but the cost is that you don't get help. And the fact is that you had already worked out a way to cover your needs by the time anyone knew. If you want help for the emotional aspect - and I think you are completely entitled to it - you need to be open. Call a friend and ask for a ride to treatment. Ask a neighbor to arrange playdates for the kids. It's not that people don't want to help, it's that they don't see what you are missing.
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 10:15 pm
Sometimes those who have been on the giving end are still expected to be there for everyone else, even when they themselves need help.
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amother




Jetblack


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 10:47 pm
Interesting what a previous poster wrote. I agree. My dc developed a serious medical issue that is now Bh almost getting better. One day recently I was too tired to drive to an apt for him and took an uber. I used a chesed ride back (he dropped someone off in front of same hospital picked us up and also picked someone else up to take them to similar destination) I will also make a donation similar to the am uber fare. But I can’t tell you how different the ride back was. I seriously cried. The way there the driver kept asking me for directions. The car was so tiny I didn’t have where to put my feet (and I’m really short) she listened to music etc. the way back I was exhausted and just closed my eyes. it meant the world to me to have a relaxing ride and I couldn’t come to myself how people do such a huge chesed and how I hoped he realized how much that ride meant - I couldn’t ‘buy’ a ride like that. And sometimes medical land can become so overwhelming that gestures can mean the world
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amother




White


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 12:15 am
I will never forget the seminary friend (who I'm not in touch with anymore) who was the only one to send me a hot dinner after my first baby. I had spent two weeks at my mother's house (side point - an entirely empty home, I had to make myself breakfast and lunch and entertain myself all day - so much for being sooo lucky to be able to "move in" and "be pampered" like my sil thought I was, bc that arrangement wouldn't have worked with my mil house)

When I had enough I decided to move back into my apt and started thinking about going shopping to stock up. I have many sil living nearby. Nobody offered anything bc I had just "moved into my mother". My own older sisters didn't. My friends didn't bc there was no meal train for me - though I had cooked for them plenty in the year or two before I had my own child.

This one friend insisted that I tell her when I move back home. I didn't need it, I was planning on takeout. Instead I got delivered a hot dish, soup, dessert, fruit and yes paper goods! I think I cried. I felt so loved and cared for. Yes my sil bought me a gift for my first child, and my mil brought me chocolates in the hospital, and my mother did cook supper those 2 weeks - but this was the first time I felt really supported and pampered. I will never forget it.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 18 2019, 4:13 pm
The requirement of giving to a rich person as to rich standards makes me not consider it at all. Between ten chickens for berel the begger and a caviar for Richy Rikel...
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