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Wives of rebbes: an honest answer please!
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 6:36 am
Last year we did not have extra money to give a monetary gift to our sons' rebbes. With a budget of about ten dollars a rebbe and a bunch of rebbes to give, I put together a nice shalach manos instead and added a heartfelt note.

One Rebbe accepted the shalach monos gracefully, and in handing it off to his wife scanned it up and down and mouthed to her 'no check.' They exchanged a raised eyebrows look. He greeted my son warmly and danced with him...and we moved on to the next delivery.

Once again, Purim is here and we will not be giving money to our kids' Rebbes. This is year six of full-time schooling for my husband, and I earn our sole income; we just don't have the funds for it....but I cringe when I remember those raised eyebrows, the exchanged look of.... I'm not sure what. Disappointment? It was a bit more than disappointment, a bit less than disgust. They were disgruntled. I was so embarrassed.

Wives of Rebbes, please answer honestly (I wish I could ask actual rebbes, but hopefully none of them are on here Wink ): What are your expectations regarding gifts from students? What's the feeling towards students who don't give? Is part of your Purim joy adding up the cash you get from students, analyzing who gave, who didn't, how much... Am I over thinking this?!!! (I admit being very tired this morning!) What is the communal conversation regarding Purim gifts? (Being naturally nosey,) I wish I could be a fly on the wall of the teacher's lounge this time of year....
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amother




Pink


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 6:45 am
Wow! What a disgusting reaction. My father is a rebbe and and my husband is a rebbe and there are zero expectations for anything. I appreciate every single shalach manos! I am truly shocked at the wife's reaction. I think she is missing social skills.
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amother




Slategray


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 6:49 am
I imagine that this is very much dependent on where you live. Norms differ. It could be that the rebbe was just telling his wife that there was no check so she could put it away with the food and not go looking for a check. Maybe they once misplaced a check. Maybe they were tense about how they would be able to afford Pesach.

I have to say that I really prefer a system where teachers are adequately paid and not dependent on tips. Rebbes are human too, and it's impossible to forget that one parent gave a big check and fancy wine while another sent homemade hamentaschen.
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 6:52 am
amother wrote:
Wow! What a disgusting reaction. My father is a rebbe and and my husband is a rebbe and there are zero expectations for anything. I appreciate every single shalach manos! I am truly shocked at the wife's reaction. I think she is missing social skills.

Read it agin. It was the REBBE who said to his wife “no check”. How disgusting.

OP, I’m a parent who cant give checks on Purim. We give a cheaper bottle of wine and a “fancy” KLP chocolate bar. I’ve asked around where I live and it seems like some people give checks but many dont.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 6:53 am
DVOM, I'm really surprised. My DH is a consultant at businesses. At one of the businesses he's consulting this year the wealthy business owner sent his son with a $500 check for his Rebbe as a Chanuka gift this year (Chasidish school) and the Rebbe gave it back and said that he can not accept it.
I am often in a financial situation where I just can't . Of course I feel embarrassed because I do WANT to give but I just CANT.
I don't think that most rebbeim would have the reaction you are describing. I would hope that maybe you read too much into it and misunderstood what their conversation was all about. I'm really hoping that was the case.
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amother




Aqua


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 7:00 am
OP how horrific. It is Chuzpadik for Rabbonim to expect money. People, if you have extra money to spare, please give extra Matos L’evyonim vs to Rabbonim who already have a salary. I view it almost like bribery. We all know of instances where wealthier families get preferential treatment in schools due to donations/gifts.

Please, please, please save your $ for Matos L'evyonim.

Anonymous as I am just a mere woman and not the wife of a Rebbe expecting checks.
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amother




Red


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 7:24 am
I grew up in a family of girls and sent my son to a heimish yeshiva with Rebbeim, some chassidish some yeshivish.. We got advice from another parent in class who runs a different yeshiva that there is an expectation on chanuka and Purim that your rebbe gets a check. If you can, every Rosh chodesh a small tip. Erev pesach it is very important because because pesach is expensive.
This was 15 years ago. Has it changed?
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amother




Tan


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 7:48 am
I’m the OP of the other ‘Rebbe gift thread’ here. & I stopped reading the replies when a daughter of a Rebbe begged, beseeched, pleaded to give a check due to the financial position of her family. Ie singles to marry off, large family etc. She asked for a regular MM, nothing nicer than the others given to everyone else but yes, please a check.

So, yes, it IS expected to receive a check. & once there is that expectation, whoever can’t afford what others are giving (range dependent on norms in your community) it’s seriously SUCKS. B/c we as parents of kids who have many rebbes to give to just cannot come up with the amounts expected. & we shouldn’t be made to feel inadequate doing a mitzvah on Purim.
OP, the reaction that you received last year was disgusting. I don’t know why posters can’t just take what you experienced & agree. I know we’re taught to be DLZ, but sometimes (& this is one of them) there is no justification for that bad behaviour.

Shame on him.
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 7:48 am
amother wrote:
I grew up in a family of girls and sent my son to a heimish yeshiva with Rebbeim, some chassidish some yeshivish.. We got advice from another parent in class who runs a different yeshiva that there is an expectation on chanuka and Purim that your rebbe gets a check. If you can, every Rosh chodesh a small tip. Erev pesach it is very important because because pesach is expensive.
This was 15 years ago. Has it changed?

I’ll file this under “things I pray only exist in Imamother land”. A check every Rosh Chodesh? Ok.

My kids rebbes get a check every month. So do their secular teachers. The check comes from the school and I pay into it each month.

We give a small check for chanukah to all of the teachers because the school tells us to. Rebbes get $18 and the secular staff gets from the PTA effort. I cant give more. I write a nice note and know that where I live, its appreciated.
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amother




Coffee


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 7:55 am
We give my sons rebbi a $20 every rosh chodesh in addition to chanukah and purim money.
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:03 am
Interesting. So... what I'm gathering is that yes, the expectation is there.


To clarify: I really liked (and still like) this rebbe. What I witnessed was a ten second whispered exchange between husband and wife that I'm sure they did not realize I'd observed. I know they didn't mean to embarress me. To my face, the rebbe's response was gracious and kind ('Beautiful! Thank you so much for coming! DVOM's son! So great to see you! Let me see your costume...').
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:04 am
amother wrote:
OP how horrific. It is Chuzpadik for Rabbonim to expect money. People, if you have extra money to spare, please give extra Matos L’evyonim vs to Rabbonim who already have a salary. I view it almost like bribery. We all know of instances where wealthier families get preferential treatment in schools due to donations/gifts.

Please, please, please save your $ for Matos L'evyonim.

Anonymous as I am just a mere woman and not the wife of a Rebbe expecting checks.



Is it? We come to expect things that happen over and over. We don't purposely develop expectations. They develop naturally based on our experiences.
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amother




Coffee


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:07 am
Most rebbi's don't get from everyone a check on purim so I am sure that your son was not the only one without a check.
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:08 am
thunderstorm wrote:
DVOM, I'm really surprised. My DH is a consultant at businesses. At one of the businesses he's consulting this year the wealthy business owner sent his son with a $500 check for his Rebbe as a Chanuka gift this year (Chasidish school) and the Rebbe gave it back and said that he can not accept it.
I am often in a financial situation where I just can't . Of course I feel embarrassed because I do WANT to give but I just CANT.
I don't think that most rebbeim would have the reaction you are describing. I would hope that maybe you read too much into it and misunderstood what their conversation was all about. I'm really hoping that was the case.


Hi thunder! I'm so happy to see you posting... can I take this to mean that your son is feeling a bit better? I've been davening for you guys!

I love your story. In my field accepting expensive gifts is considered unethical. While there is no written code of ethics for yeshiva rebbes, I think it is also unethical. It takes a really strong man to turn down a gift of 500 bucks when it doesn't match his principals. very impressive.
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:11 am
amother wrote:
Most rebbi's don't get from everyone a check on purim so I am sure that your son was not the only one without a check.


This was really my question. If my shalach-manos-sans-check got this sort of reaction, It made me wonder what the true norm is. I always assumed that most people don't give checks (who has that kind of money!). But the expectation must develop from somewhere.
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Simple1




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:16 am
DVOM wrote:
Interesting. So... what I'm gathering is that yes, the expectation is there.


To clarify: I really liked (and still like) this rebbe. What I witnessed was a ten second whispered exchange between husband and wife that I'm sure they did not realize I'd observed. I know they didn't mean to embarress me. To my face, the rebbe's response was gracious and kind ('Beautiful! Thank you so much for coming! DVOM's son! So great to see you! Let me see your costume...').


That sounds hurtful and I don't mean to question you, but are you sure that's what happened? How could he know there was no check without taking it apart? Like it could've been tucked in the note or something.
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:18 am
Simple1 wrote:
That sounds hurtful and I don't mean to question you, but are you sure that's what happened? How could he know there was no check without taking it apart? Like it could've been tucked in the note or something.



Hi simple1!

Am I sure? Pretty sure, though of course, I could have missunderstood. Again, I am not holding onto hurt and anger towards the rebbe over this. If he said what I think he said he clearly did not intend for me to hear it and did not intend to embarress me. The shalach manos was packaged in a way that it was very clear what was inside it, and the note was an open peice of cardstock... I don't think I'm describing it well. It was clear that it did not contain a check.
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Simple1




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:32 am
DVOM wrote:
Hi simple1!

Am I sure? Pretty sure, though of course, I could have missunderstood. Again, I am not holding onto hurt and anger towards the rebbe over this. If he said what I think he said he clearly did not intend for me to hear it and did not intend to embarress me. The shalach manos was packaged in a way that it was very clear what was inside it, and the note was an open peice of cardstock... I don't think I'm describing it well. It was clear that it did not contain a check.


Oh, that is upsetting.
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amother




Taupe


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:35 am
My husband is a Rebbi, and we appreciate every single shalach Manos that comes in. Most of all my husband's pride and joy is greeting each student and complimenting their costume.
Obviously a gift whether money or an item is very appreciated. But he understands that not every family has the means,and not every family knows the norms. In our OOT community some families will give him a small kiddie looking Shalach Manos, usually these are Baal Teshuva families who weren't brought up in the system and don't know the norms. He doesn't look down on them, he accepts it graciously and appreciates that they came out to deliver personally on Purim. Part of the whole point of giving the shalach manos to the teachers is to teach the child about Hakaras Hatov, and that is demonstrated by coming out to deliver any shalach manos, even the most simple one.
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amother




Burgundy


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 8:49 am
I'm amother green from the other rebbe -mm thread.
Golly. I had not seen this thread- so now I see where the reaction I got to my response on there came from. And why...
And I must clarify.
What op experienced is awful. Absolutely not what should happen. And definitely not what I intended when I suggested a check-over fancy expensive mm.
And believe me- my father would be the first to give his shirt off his back to a family that's struggling. And as I mentioned previously, is struggling financially himself.

He so appreciates every single student that comes. Regardless of what he gets. He genuinely wants to give- and be there for the students. Give the parents nachas. Make them feel great. And I witnessed this yearly.

But I do know that money is tight. And merely suggested that if one can, one should give.
Must? No! Not at all!
I'm sorry some if you experienced what you did! In no way is it an expectation. Just very much appreciated.

(((We are a kollel family now, both working hard to pay our own kids tuition Bh! And cut corners elsewhere to be able to tip rebbeim and morahs.
Not above our means. But we give gratefully.... )))
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