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Wives of rebbes: an honest answer please!
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 1:57 pm
amother wrote:
As a preschool teacher, here’s my take. No it isn’t an obligation. But if this is the norm, then you come to rely on it like a different poster said. In 5 years of teaching I only ever once had a student who didn’t give any tip at all (or gift). Am I then bad for anticipating it?
I would never judge a parent for giving only a little. But yes, I do rely on that money. Remember teachers are paid pennies and my paycheck doesn’t even cover my rent.
However, I always make sure to immediately pull out the money of the MM and put it in a separate pile, and only read the notes after. I don’t care to remember who gave 50 and who gave 10 and be influenced by that.
I once had an assistant who wrote a list of who gave how much and that I found beyond disgusting.


Just please realize that although its the "norm" and you count on it, you should not be actually relying on it (and who makes up these norms?). What happens from that is one starts to feel resentful, that the parent is cheating you what is rightfully yours by not giving it. You should also recognize that for every family who writes a check with a full heart, there is another one who is writing is and wondering what they will have to go without that week to afford it. You are not the only one who gets a paycheck that doesn't cover your rent.

These schools coerce parents into giving these "gifts". I've said this before, tipping the teacher is not one of the mitzvos of Purim.

This expression of Magiah Li from teachers is very sad to read.
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mommyhood




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 2:09 pm
pause wrote:
DVMOM, if I was you, I'd rather give even a $10 check with a bottle of sparkling rather than a "nicer" MM.

This is what I do and I’ve suggested it here before but people don’t seem to like the idea.
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 2:38 pm
studying_torah wrote:
Why the rebbes & not the morahs?


In my kids schools there is a general collection for all morahs mishloach manos, but nothing for Rebbes. Parents may give Rebbi mishloach manos on their own.

Wife of a Rebbi chiming in!


We live in the 5 Towns, and while many families do give, many don't. And BTW, it's not necessarily a lot $18-50 is the general range, with many at the lower end. And a simple mishloach Manos without a check is perfect. Please don't feel pressured at all!!! I don't want an extra $5 if you had to squeeze to give it. Feeling like we are demanding money from others is horrible! I promise most Rebbis I know are not like that ay all.

The personal cards though...those go a long way. When they come along with the mishloach Manos, I cherish them. I want to appreciate the results of my husband's efforts and it's beautiful when people share that with us.
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 2:47 pm
I haven’t read all the responses, but my father was a rebbi all his life.
We were very poor. I don’t know what rebbeim salaries are like in other circles, but in chasidish circles rebbis are sorely underpaid.
They count on these tips to supplement their meager earnings.
I do believe parents in these types of cheders where tuition is very low, should budget tips as part of their chinuch expenses.
I send my daughter to a sleep away camp where tips are included in the camp fee because they are mandatory.
Restaurants also include tips on the bill as a mandatory charge.
Tipping is a necessary part of life.
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amother




Lime


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 3:13 pm
My husband is a rebbe.
We don’t expect anything. Anything we get is very appreciated, whether a simple sholoch monos, thoughtful card, any size tip etc.
I do think showing appreciation in any way you can should be a priority, but when & how depends on your ability. If Purim is a hectic time, and tight financially -do it chanukah, or end of year. If u do have money for extras -restaurants, vacations, nice clothes etc. I think it’s basic hakoros hatov to give a nice tip. If you are honestly very financially strapped, a thoughtful card is more then adequate too. Don’t worry about what ‘everyone else’ is doing. Do what you can do. Show appreciation in your way.
Just my opinion.
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amother




Lime


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 3:21 pm
The question is what are rebbeim supposed to give to their children’s rebbeim?!

Being in chinuch ourselves we really squeeze ourselves to make appreciating teachers a priority in our budget, but I will say it’s honestly hard sometimes.

Totally relate to u OP, sometimes we just can’t give as much as we’d like. We can only give what we have...
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 3:35 pm
amother wrote:
The question is what are rebbeim supposed to give to their children’s rebbeim?!

Being in chinuch ourselves we really squeeze ourselves to make appreciating teachers a priority in our budget, but I will say it’s honestly hard sometimes.

Totally relate to u OP, sometimes we just can’t give as much as we’d like. We can only give what we have...

Those in chinuch then take the tips that were given to show hakaras hatov are turned right around to show another rebbe hakaras hatov. Because a note with a simple mm wont cut it. Because someone somewhere decided to give money and now its a “norm”.
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debsey




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 4:52 pm
DVOM wrote:
This was really my question. If my shalach-manos-sans-check got this sort of reaction, It made me wonder what the true norm is. I always assumed that most people don't give checks (who has that kind of money!). But the expectation must develop from somewhere.


Personally, I give a cheaper M"M and a nicer check (think it's more appreciated)
I do have one son whose Rebbe gets a very nice MM due to my appreciation for dealing with him well.

I think the Rebbeim do expect a check, but it's not ok to be upset if someone can't give one!
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mom!




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 10:55 pm
I used to teach and one purim incident stands out in my mind. A student showed up (a child I had specifically worked hard for) and I knew the family did not have money. There was a beautifully written note with 10 singles in the envelope. (The type that the father tutored a week to pay for this) Their $10 was worth a lot more to me than the $50 or $100 I got from other parents..
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amother




Slategray


Post  Sat, Mar 16 2019, 11:06 pm
mom! wrote:
I used to teach and one purim incident stands out in my mind. A student showed up (a child I had specifically worked hard for) and I knew the family did not have money. There was a beautifully written note with 10 singles in the envelope. (The type that the father tutored a week to pay for this) Their $10 was worth a lot more to me than the $50 or $100 I got from other parents..

.
And didn't you feel terrible taking money from these people?
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 12:58 am
Watergirl instead of wine & chocolates which are not that cheap, could you give a small check?
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2gether




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 5:02 am
The "nice MM" instead of a check is also going to cost you at least 10 bucks, so why not give just a check for the minimum you can afford.
1) it shows the rebbe that you are doing you're max, (especially when its a small amount)
2) they'll enjoy it, as opposed to more and more and more chocolate and cookies and candies and dishes and trays

I'm saying this about the "main" rebbes, but if you have afternoon rebbes, extra helper rebbes etc. they are happy to receive anything at all

Another cheaper solution is a gift with a return receipt, bacause than you can get something big and presentable for cheap and if they want they'll switch it, but it didn't cost you much (e.g. toys, books)

p.s. My husband used to be a rebbed
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 6:28 am
dankbar wrote:
Watergirl instead of wine & chocolates which are not that cheap, could you give a small check?

Did you read any of my other posts on this thread? No. I’m not giving a small check. My $9 bottle of wine, $2 chocolate bar, and nice note is perfect. Like I’ve said, besides for the fact that where I live, this tipping the rebbe on Purim is done by the minority, this is not an idea that I subscribe to. Unless I missed in halacha class learning that tipping the rebbe is one of the mitzvos of the day... we give our mm, make our seuda, and give the money to matanos l’evyonim. And I have never heard a teshuva that says that one may be yotze matanos levyonim via money for the rebbe.


Last edited by watergirl on Sun, Mar 17 2019, 7:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Chartreuse


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 7:38 am
amother wrote:
In my kids schools there is a general collection for all morahs mishloach manos, but nothing for Rebbes. Parents may give Rebbi mishloach manos on their own.

Wife of a Rebbi chiming in!


We live in the 5 Towns, and while many families do give, many don't. And BTW, it's not necessarily a lot $18-50 is the general range, with many at the lower end. And a simple mishloach Manos without a check is perfect. Please don't feel pressured at all!!! I don't want an extra $5 if you had to squeeze to give it. Feeling like we are demanding money from others is horrible! I promise most Rebbis I know are not like that ay all.

The personal cards though...those go a long way. When they come along with the mishloach Manos, I cherish them. I want to appreciate the results of my husband's efforts and it's beautiful when people share that with us.


I live in Flatbush and I was told approx. 15 years ago that $50.00 was on the low end to give a Rebbi
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amother




Seashell


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 11:00 am
How is accepting any large or expensive gift ok? The judges in Tanach were supposed to be, among other qualifications, very wealthy. Because even the "regular wealthy" crowd is not immune to bribes. They were the biggest tzaddikim- why do you think that our teachers, rebbes and Moros are greater than them that they won't be biased for/against those who give??? Yes, there was one story of a teacher handing back $500. How many did accept that check and then think more kindly towards that student/family? They paid a huge bill that month- of course you will smile extra to that kid, give them extra time, compliment them more.... To the detriment of the poor kid or the one who doesn't know this unreasonable demand, I mean custom.
Teachers are supposed to be unbiased. And taking gifts will make you biased. And don't bring up salary: You know the salary going in and chose to work in that field. You get many other side benefits besides salary. Automatically getting off chagim, chol hamoed, days before/after, early erev shabbos, on the same schedule as the kids, summer break, winter break etc.
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 11:04 am
I’m so grateful my children have 2 hours of school Purim morning where they see all their teachers and we usually give a joint class mm to the different teachers. And at the end of the year a joint gift (of cash or a gift card). Each person contributes within a range ONCE at the beginning of the year for all gifts!
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amother




Seashell


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 11:07 am
amother wrote:
I haven’t read all the responses, but my father was a rebbi all his life.
We were very poor. I don’t know what rebbeim salaries are like in other circles, but in chasidish circles rebbis are sorely underpaid.
They count on these tips to supplement their meager earnings.
I do believe parents in these types of cheders where tuition is very low, should budget tips as part of their chinuch expenses.
I send my daughter to a sleep away camp where tips are included in the camp fee because they are mandatory.
Restaurants also include tips on the bill as a mandatory charge.
Tipping is a necessary part of life.


No! In any situation with an ongoing relationship with that individual you cannot tip. It leads to bias, unfair practices and other unethical situations. Imagine a therapist that accepted gifts. Or a doctor. They give more time, consideration etc to one patient and ignore you. During your session they are thinking of mr tipper. They spend more time trying to find a solution for his issue and not yours. Let him have a longer session that runs into yours. In our world of kids at risk, kids slipping through the cracks etc- do we want attention and time to be based of BRIBES?

A restaurant is in no way comparable to a school. Do you see that server for several hours a day, 5-6 days a week???
And by the way, TIP used to be an acronym for "to insure promptness". I.e.- give us more money for a better service. Exactly what we don't want in helping professions including teachers!!!
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amother




Seashell


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 11:16 am
amother wrote:
My husband is a Rebbi, and we appreciate every single shalach Manos that comes in. Most of all my husband's pride and joy is greeting each student and complimenting their costume.
Obviously a gift whether money or an item is very appreciated. But he understands that not every family has the means,and not every family knows the norms. In our OOT community some families will give him a small kiddie looking Shalach Manos, usually these are Baal Teshuva families who weren't brought up in the system and don't know the norms. He doesn't look down on them, he accepts it graciously and appreciates that they came out to deliver personally on Purim. Part of the whole point of giving the shalach manos to the teachers is to teach the child about Hakaras Hatov, and that is demonstrated by coming out to deliver any shalach manos, even the most simple one.


I am against checks but now comparing MM? Even if you say he doesn't look differently- obviously some comparison is going on. You pointed it out yourself.
"Not only is there no check but poor kid. Comes from a family that just doesn't get the norms. I am supposed to get something nicer. Because MM is not about spreading goodwill and Shalom but showing ME how much hakaras hatov you have. I deserve wine, nice chocolate, or a platter of some kind. All store bought as I won't touch your kashrus. And my wife won't eat something someone else touched, who knows how clean you are?"

Just giving any MM shows the hakaras hatov. We make a special trip to you. We give the same to everyone as my kid picked it out! He chose the items (think early elementary). Isn't that important- making him feel a part of the mitzvah?
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amother




Amethyst


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 11:35 am
I wish I can give but I really can't
does it look bad to give a $10 check
with a small chocolate or is it better to give a bottle of wine and chocolate?
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amother




Lime


Post  Sun, Mar 17 2019, 11:40 am
amother wrote:
I wish I can give but I really can't
does it look bad to give a $10 check
with a small chocolate or is it better to give a bottle of wine and chocolate?


I think both options are very nice and perfectly fine!
Personally I know my husband would prefer the first although the second will prob look classier... Do whichever you’re more comfortable with...
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