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Don’t ask someone where they are for Seudah - Vent
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:51 am
amother wrote:
I host a purim meal. Last year I did ask somebody where they are going to be for the meal. It turned out, that they actually had no place to go. And I was happy to have them by me for the meal. I don't see why it's such a bad question to ask. Usually when I ask that it's because I have no problem hosting them if they have nowhere to go and I would be happy to.

But how can you invite the same day. They probably already cooked for the meal and you didn’t plan of having another family. It is an embarrassing charity kind of invitation
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:53 am
little neshamala wrote:
But I dont understand whats so embarassing about saying youre getting together with friends, or staying home.
I also have a complicated family situation unfortunately. And its very difficult. But its such a normal thing to stay home yourself/host others/go to neighbors or friends, im not sure why its embarassing to say so.

I think it’s embarrassing if you are home alone with no friends or family
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:54 am
Mamushka wrote:
The question here is why you feel embarresed to say you are home.
Eighter be proactive and invite a friend or work on beeing happy with what you have.

Some people have special situation that you might be too innocent and young to understand and that’s why they are alone
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Simple1




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:59 am
Many times we're by ourselves for the seudea and I don't mind if people ask. But to each there own.
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Simple1




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:01 pm
amother wrote:
Some people have special situation that you might be too innocent and young to understand and that’s why they are alone


Not sure what situation you're talking about, but in some cases, it might be nice for people to be aware that they need an invite. If not now, then for the next Purim or Yom Tov.
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:07 pm
Are you really home all by yourself? What's embarrassing to say that you're eating home this year with your family/kids?
DH and I are hosting our own seuda at home with our kids and we hope to have plenty of company.
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:09 pm
Amelia Bedelia wrote:
Are you really home all by yourself? What's embarrassing to say that you're eating home this year with your family/kids?
DH and I are hosting our own seuda at home with our kids and we hope to have plenty of company.

It’s embarrassing to be alone because you don’t have friends
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flowerpower




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:11 pm
amother wrote:
It’s embarrassing to be alone because you don’t have friends


I know many people that eat the meal home alone. What does it have to do with having friends? You can meet them and drop off mm. Why do you actually have to eat with them?
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amother




Denim


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:12 pm
amother wrote:
I think it’s embarrassing if you are home alone with no friends or family


I guess it varies from one person to another. My family enjoys doing our own thing. If someone says "so, what are you doing for the seudah?" I would respond "We're looking forward to having it at home." Not embarrassing! In my community, some people get together for the seudah, but others don't, so it isn't out of the ordinary.

ETA - I could see how a single person might feel lonely. I'm not sure if you mean no family at all or no extended family gathering together.
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singleagain




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:13 pm
flowerpower wrote:
I know many people that eat the meal home alone. What does it have to do with having friends? You can meet them and drop off mm. Why do you actually have to eat with them?


Agree... I am very introverted and I actually prefer spending seudah/meals at home alone... I would not assume you are having the meal alone bc no friends. I would think, it's a similar reason to me.
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amother




Ecru


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:16 pm
flowerpower wrote:
I know many people that eat the meal home alone. What does it have to do with having friends? You can meet them and drop off mm. Why do you actually have to eat with them?


this. DH and I are not party people. With all the crazy social stuff on purim, we feel like we are social enough, and by the end we actually like our quiet seudah. I wouldn't be embarrassed about that unless somebody made a big deal about it like it was something to be embarrassed about and invited me last-minute as a charity case.
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amother




Pewter


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:28 pm
amother wrote:
It’s embarrassing to be alone because you don’t have friends


Growing up, my family always ate the seudah at home, just us. We liked it. Had nothing to do with not having any friends!
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amother




Wine


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 12:34 pm
Asking someone what they are doing for them Purim seuda is not being nosy.
Asking about your family situation is...
If op has issues with her family she should figure out how to answer this question without feeling bad for herself.
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amother




Oak


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 1:20 pm
amother wrote:
I'm not the OP.

But just to explain. When it hits a sensitive nerve, sometimes that rush of pain makes you not be able to think of an appropriately "pareve" answer.

Because you're thinking:

1. Its so painful that I don't have siblings/parents/in-laws to share the meal with.
2. Its impossible for us to attend anyone's seuda because of my special needs child who can't handle the noise and I hate having to explain it.
3. Take your pick or add your own.


I really do get it. And certainly, if I know that there are sensitivities, I wouldn't ask.

But we can't stop asking every question, stop engaging in all small talk, because of some tiny number of outlier issues.

I once heard someone -- I want to say Dick Cavett, but I could be wrong -- discussing this. He referred to it as "for you see" letters. People would write to complain about certain jokes he made that were hurtful to them. Inevitably, the letter would say, "for you see ..." Then he made a joke about passing gas. Of course he received a letter. "For you see, my daughter and I are flatulent." Finally, he said no. I'm still making jokes about it.
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amother




Chartreuse


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 1:27 pm
amother wrote:
I find it extremely unpleasant when you are delivering Mishloach Manot a person will ask you are you by your sister, brother, parents or inlaws for the Seudah. If you are not eating the seudah with family for some reason its no ones business.
Please don’t pour salt over someones wounds. Also, its none of your business to ask who is by someones seudah. If they volunteer info who was invited that is fine but don’t ask. Its no ones business that some people are not having the seudah with family for whatever reason and its none of your business!!!


I think you’re overreacting about an innocent friendly question, obviously this triggers something personal going on with you but most people would t read so much into this harmless question like you do
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amother




Chartreuse


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 1:28 pm
amother wrote:
I find it extremely unpleasant when you are delivering Mishloach Manot a person will ask you are you by your sister, brother, parents or inlaws for the Seudah. If you are not eating the seudah with family for some reason its no ones business.
Please don’t pour salt over someones wounds. Also, its none of your business to ask who is by someones seudah. If they volunteer info who was invited that is fine but don’t ask. Its no ones business that some people are not having the seudah with family for whatever reason and its none of your business!!!


So maybe we shouldn’t say happy Purim either in case someone isn’t having a happy Purim?
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Laiya




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 2:04 pm
amother wrote:
I know what you mean. We stay home alone on Purim because family is not an option so I get that it can be a sore point. I have found with many things, that having a prepared answer works wonders. Mostly people are really not asking to be mean. And they just assume that you have these wonderful family or friend plans just like they do.

So I say something like, Oh we're home with a full house this year! With a big smile on my face. Then I try to veer the conversation away and say something like I love hosting and planning menus. And then I try to ask them a question about an appetizer. Like I'll be Oh my gosh, I was stressing about the appetizer and if the kids will eat it. Meanwhile, its not really a completely true statement, but I think these conversations protect me and kind of grease the wheels of societal conversation. Its meant to make superficial connections is all it is. Most times that works. If they say oh who is coming? I just laugh and say oh my goodness, you don't even want to know! I'm making tons of food! What will I do with all the leftovers, yada yada yada. Be prepared and have some chit-chatty, airheady conversation sentences to choose from. You'll do fine!!


Of course, no one should feel like they have to answer a question they don't feel comfortable with, but I think things are perceived as embarrassing if that's how you, the one responding, acts that way.

Someone asks, Who's coming to you for the seuda? Smile and say, It's just us. No one will think there's anything you should be embarrassed about.
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amother




Lime


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 2:11 pm
singleagain wrote:
I haven't seen OP post again. But she is saying it hurts when ppl ask "are you by your sister, brother, parents or inlaws for the Seudah" that's very different than a general "what are you doing for seudah"

I think her point was don't ask about spefic plans

I agree that "what's your general plans" is just chit chat

Asking a specific leading "will you be by x" is nosy and not appropriate


Exactly. Its when people start asking for details. “Aren’t you eating the seudah by your sister?”

I have no problem eating at home with my immediete family. These people are not looking to invite you to seudah of to be invited. And I would not accept the invitation the same day because I already cooked.
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 2:13 pm
I totally understand the OP. My husband and I are baalei teshuva and I get very overwhelmed by Purim so don't like hosting the seudah and there have been years when we were not invited anywhere (and this happens on other occasions also, like almost every Yom Tov). It's a very lonely feeling and having to answer people kind of rubs it in. I don't get upset about it, but when you have to answer the question enough times that you are home for every meal, always, you feel bad.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Mar 19 2019, 2:18 pm
I'm the opposite . I am eating home alone. I don't have family nearby that I'm able to go to, because of some dysfunction there . I don't really have friends. It makes me feel good and cared about when someone is genuinely sensitive enough to ask me where we are eating. I've had more than once that DHs friends spontaneously invited us for the meal when we showed up to deliver mm and we ended up enjoying it very much.
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