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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
Do you ever hide on Purim?
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abaker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 10:36 pm
I can say OP I understand you. It is kind of awkward when someone gives you and you don't have one in return. But smile and graciously accept their gift and appreciate their effort. I make what I can for mm and I feel like I could make a zillion more for acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, etc but then I'd be making over 100 mm and that's just too much. I do what I can and try to enjoy the day.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:25 pm
amother wrote:
I gotta admit sometimes I just don’t want to answer the door when random people come with shalach manos and I don’t have one prepared for them. Enough is enough. I want to just give those I’m giving to (a lot) and not other people so I’m really thinking about not answering the door beyond that.


I want to agree with u and give a different view. A lot of people jump on someone who is "different" which is what is happening here.

Just because you are not in the mood of answering the door doesnt make you "bad" or "mean". It just means that for whatever reason you sometimes need a break and I think its good to know your limits. Nothing wrong with making believe nobody is home if you feel you need a break. When we go to homes, sometimes nobody answers and we assume they are out delivering shalach manis. We are not insulted.

As long as nobody knows you are "hiding", I think its ojay because as frum women, we are expected to always be "on" with constant hosting and even just being busy with playdates or our own kids. We need to "hide" sometimes. Maybe if you called it self care or some me time to just close the door and ppl should assume you r out....then maybe ppl here wouldnt jump on u and call names.

I dont think that u are bad /wrong just bec. U want to do something different. You do you!!
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amother
Jade


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:06 am
amother wrote:
I want to agree with u and give a different view. A lot of people jump on someone who is "different" which is what is happening here.

Just because you are not in the mood of answering the door doesnt make you "bad" or "mean". It just means that for whatever reason you sometimes need a break and I think its good to know your limits. Nothing wrong with making believe nobody is home if you feel you need a break. When we go to homes, sometimes nobody answers and we assume they are out delivering shalach manis. We are not insulted.

As long as nobody knows you are "hiding", I think its ojay because as frum women, we are expected to always be "on" with constant hosting and even just being busy with playdates or our own kids. We need to "hide" sometimes. Maybe if you called it self care or some me time to just close the door and ppl should assume you r out....then maybe ppl here wouldnt jump on u and call names.

I dont think that u are bad /wrong just bec. U want to do something different. You do you!!


Thanks for understanding.
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etky




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:50 am
I can't believe all the judgement on this thread!
OP is selfish because she finds the stress to be constantly social and organized throughout the day overwhelming?
I always feel like hiding on Purim and if at all possible will have someone else answer the door, or be out distributing myself and leave a family member to hold down the fort and distribute MM to those who come.
I absolutely hate knowing that at any time I can be interrupted by the door and then forced to stop what I am doing and socialize which for me is very draining.
I have MM down to a very polished system of pre-packaging a set amount and then regifting what I receive. I have never been unprepared for anyone who shows up at the door but I find the whole concept very stressful and it kicks my need for control into overdrive.
This is a very difficult hoiliday for introverts and for people who seek focused activity and control.
I totally agree with the amother who prefers Pesach cleaning.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 5:02 am
What happens if you are a single/divorced person, and you don't have anyone to pass out MM for you?

If someone comes to your door, and you out delivering as well, then no one will answer the door, right? Do people really get offended when this happens?

I suppose you could put a sign on your door telling people that you are out delivering, but that pretty much advertises to the whole neighborhood that your house is free to break into (although highly unlikely.)

I've even seen one house that had two large boxes on the front porch. They were labeled "MM IN" and "MM OUT". You deliver yours to the in box, and take one from the out box. Weirdest thing I've ever seen.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 5:07 am
There is nothing wrong with being out. But if someone made the trouble to come to you, its nice to open the door. The OP does not say she suffers from social anxiety, just that she can't be bothered giving to people who were not on her original list.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 6:05 am
mommy3b2c wrote:
Honestly, you sound like a rude and unkind person.


So do you. Clearly you have never had the unfortunate experience of feeling totally unable to socialize with others or the feeling of having your privacy violated in your own home. I understand how OP feels and while yes, I manage to smile and say thank you for MMs, I am happy with those left on the doorstep with no social interaction too.

Your post is quite frankly mean and uncalled for. OP was just asking a question, not soliciting attacks on her personality.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 6:08 am
amother wrote:
I want to agree with u and give a different view. A lot of people jump on someone who is "different" which is what is happening here.

Just because you are not in the mood of answering the door doesnt make you "bad" or "mean". It just means that for whatever reason you sometimes need a break and I think its good to know your limits. Nothing wrong with making believe nobody is home if you feel you need a break. When we go to homes, sometimes nobody answers and we assume they are out delivering shalach manis. We are not insulted.

As long as nobody knows you are "hiding", I think its ojay because as frum women, we are expected to always be "on" with constant hosting and even just being busy with playdates or our own kids. We need to "hide" sometimes. Maybe if you called it self care or some me time to just close the door and ppl should assume you r out....then maybe ppl here wouldnt jump on u and call names.

I dont think that u are bad /wrong just bec. U want to do something different. You do you!!


Re: the bolded. I think this is the problem. We are not expected to do this, it is an expectation that people bring on themselves. I don’t have this expectation of myself and so I am not constantly hosting or letting people in my house. I don’t care if people know I am in and not answering the door. It is my door and I can choose to answer it or not.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 6:09 am
Raisin wrote:
There is nothing wrong with being out. But if someone made the trouble to come to you, its nice to open the door. The OP does not say she suffers from social anxiety, just that she can't be bothered giving to people who were not on her original list.


It is indeed nice to open the door. Nice, but not obligatory.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 6:22 am
amother wrote:
thats honestly disgusting. someone is coming to give you maybe they think they are close to you, maybe they dont have a lot of friends etc. and you have your people so you dont care? sounds very selfish.


Your inability to empathize is “disgusting” IMHO. Sometimes people make the effort to go around to someone’s house and they are not in. The merit is in that person’s effort and their fulfilment of the Mitzvah of giving MM. It is not Halacha to make yourself suffer by forcing fake smiles all day. It isn’t selfish to look after yourself.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 8:06 am
No. But I don't have people like this
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 8:40 am
amother wrote:
So do you. Clearly you have never had the unfortunate experience of feeling totally unable to socialize with others or the feeling of having your privacy violated in your own home. I understand how OP feels and while yes, I manage to smile and say thank you for MMs, I am happy with those left on the doorstep with no social interaction too.

Your post is quite frankly mean and uncalled for. OP was just asking a question, not soliciting attacks on her personality.


Op wrote nothing about social anxiety. She made it sound like she is quite popular and has a ton of friends who she is happy to greet and prepare for and just has no interest in greeting the rest of the “lowly” people who dare to be so chutzpahdik as to come to her house uninvited.

Lots of posters are talking about social anxieties. She isn’t one of them. Her post came across as extremely rude.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 8:43 am
amother wrote:
It is indeed nice to open the door. Nice, but not obligatory.


I agree if someone is mentally suffering they should take care of themselves. That doesn't seem to be the case.

Another option is to actually go out. Go for a walk in the park or sit in the library or a cafe. Or if you have kids who are old enough, that can be their job, to answer the door and give out MM. Or if you see someone has bought you mm, can you ask your husband to drop one off?

I can only imagine how hurtful it may be for someone to realise the occupant is home but is not opening the door. (They may see the curtain twitch, or the person entering the house or opening the door to someone else)
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 8:50 am
amother wrote:
So do you. Clearly you have never had the unfortunate experience of feeling totally unable to socialize with others or the feeling of having your privacy violated in your own home. I understand how OP feels and while yes, I manage to smile and say thank you for MMs, I am happy with those left on the doorstep with no social interaction too.

Your post is quite frankly mean and uncalled for. OP was just asking a question, not soliciting attacks on her personality.


Your privacy violated? Seriously?

I feel like you are responding to something OP did NOT post. She did NOT say: Purim is so overwhelming, bH I have so many friends but I find it so hard and taxing to open the door all day, not to mention prepare shalach manos for all these people! Is it okay to sometimes not answer the door?

Instead she said: Ugh, what is wrong with people? The people I give to are my FRIENDS. Why are these losers bothering me??

The tone matters. That is what people are picking up on, not the question of whether or not it's okay to be overwhelmed on Purim.
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Israeli_C




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 8:53 am
I'm hiding this purim because DH is insisting on inviting a non-vaccing family and all their kids. And we have two 3 months old at home. Oy.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:00 am
groovy1224 wrote:
Your privacy violated? Seriously?

I feel like you are responding to something OP did NOT post. She did NOT say: Purim is so overwhelming, bH I have so many friends but I find it so hard and taxing to open the door all day, not to mention prepare shalach manos for all these people! Is it okay to sometimes not answer the door?

Instead she said: Ugh, what is wrong with people? The people I give to are my FRIENDS. Why are these losers bothering me??

The tone matters. That is what people are picking up on, not the question of whether or not it's okay to be overwhelmed on Purim.


This.

I’m actually shocked that most people responded in support of op. It’s like they made up a whole story in their minds and responded to that story.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:01 am
abaker wrote:
I can say OP I understand you. It is kind of awkward when someone gives you and you don't have one in return. But smile and graciously accept their gift and appreciate their effort. I make what I can for mm and I feel like I could make a zillion more for acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, etc but then I'd be making over 100 mm and that's just too much. I do what I can and try to enjoy the day.


Don’t do this. Give them something in return. Give them a Shalach Manos prepared for someone else and then figure it out later.
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:04 am
Some people are getting smarter, just like the non-Jews l' havdil regarding Halloween where the community gets together rather than going door to door.
I see numerous options for giving today including businesses that package and deliver MM, achdus baskets, school and shul parties and get togethers, etc. All of this is to reduce the stress, traffic, and running around.
There still will be the bochrim coming to collect tzedukah so some people don't bother to close the door all day.

My all time favorite was the dude who set up large coffee pots in shul and handed each person a Costco hamantashen and a cup of coffee right after megillah reading. He had done the mitzvah of MM many times in those few minutes but his wife still made him take the kids out to give in the neighborhood.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:06 am
mommy3b2c wrote:
Op wrote nothing about social anxiety. She made it sound like she is quite popular and has a ton of friends who she is happy to greet and prepare for and just has no interest in greeting the rest of the “lowly” people who dare to be so chutzpahdik as to come to her house uninvited.

Lots of posters are talking about social anxieties. She isn’t one of them. Her post came across as extremely rude.


So unless OP gets an official diagnosis of “social anxiety” vs merely exhibiting some of the symptoms she is rude? 🤔

I didn’t read into her post as rude at all. To me it doesn’t matter if she has social anxiety or not. It’s her prerogative to decide whether or not to open the door.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:09 am
Raisin wrote:
I agree if someone is mentally suffering they should take care of themselves. That doesn't seem to be the case.

Another option is to actually go out. Go for a walk in the park or sit in the library or a cafe. Or if you have kids who are old enough, that can be their job, to answer the door and give out MM. Or if you see someone has bought you mm, can you ask your husband to drop one off?

I can only imagine how hurtful it may be for someone to realise the occupant is home but is not opening the door. (They may see the curtain twitch, or the person entering the house or opening the door to someone else)


I don’t think it is for us to decide if OP is mentally suffering or not. IMHO, only someone who feels really overwhelmed by Purim would post that. Unless it was a troll.
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