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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
No one offered to bring anything
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:00 pm
amother wrote:
Thanks. I'm not resentful, I guess I'm surprised though. The friend who said she would bring salad will probably not in the end just because she is coming at "some point" and told me her day is too crazy to bring the salad before the seuda. I think I'm annoyed with her but not with the rest of the group, that she said she would and is pretty much backing out and I was counting on it. I have a cooked veg but still.

Another friend, who I know cant even bring mm because they dont have two pennies to rub together, I asked her if she would come over at a time thats convenient for her to help me make the meatballs. This is something that I've done for her before. She couldn't. Ok, I'm sure she has too much to do and could not make it.

I'm thrilled to host and thrilled to have this chevra. I appreciate the tips on how to ask them to bring wine.

My OP was a vent and also asking for input on if its a "thing" to bring wine when coming to a Purim seuda.


So now you ask someone to help you cook? Also and others to bring food? I don’t think you understand what the term host means. If you meant it to be pot luck and everyone brings something then you needed to tell them that in advance instead of just extending an invitation. An invitation means I cook and provide food.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:02 pm
amother wrote:
You’re kind of putting a spin into my post that is not there. I asked my friend a few weeks ago if she had any time in the coming weeks to come over and make meatballs with me. I made them and they have been sitting in my freezer now. Who said anything about purim day?


You need help making meatballs? Never heard of such a thing,
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:05 pm
amother wrote:
So now you ask someone to help you cook? Also and others to bring food? I don’t think you understand what the term host means. If you meant it to be pot luck and everyone brings something then you needed to tell them that in advance instead of just extending an invitation. An invitation means I cook and provide food.


I feel like some people are not reading the things I am reading clearly. This is not just a random guest, this is one of my closest friends. We’ve done such a thing in the past.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:08 pm
amother wrote:
You need help making meatballs? Never heard of such a thing,

Wow, you’re really taking exception to the things I’m saying are you? Yes, I would have appreciated help rolling 10 pounds worth of ground beef into meatballs.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:08 pm
I'm thinking there must be some cultural differences at play here. Because I understand op perfectly, and everything she's saying is the norm where I live. I assume that in other communities there are different expectations when it comes to hosting. The norms are definitely not universal.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:12 pm
op- you are cominb across as a sour grump. lighten up a bit! and stop expecting your guests to roll 10 lbs of ground beef. eeew. who wants that many hands touching their food?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:13 pm
When I offer to be host the Seuda it means that I am doing this all on my own. This includes all the expense, the work and the food it entails.
When I offer my home as a place to have a party then we all chip in together and make it happen . Someone brings paper goods, everyone makes a dish , someone buys the drinks and then we all arrive at the same time and quickly set up together.
As a hostess, I prefer to doing it all on my own since I don't like when people promise things and then may end up backing out . I'd rather know I took care of it and it's done.
Also, I always offer to bring a dish along when I go to other people. However, I don't expect it to be a tit for tat thing. If I enjoy making things or gifting that's ok but that doesn't mean I should expect others to be like me.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:13 pm
amother wrote:
op- you are cominb across as a sour grump. lighten up a bit! and stop expecting your guests to roll 10 lbs of ground beef. eeew. who wants that many hands touching their food?

Yes, I’m grumpy here because I came here to let off a little bit of steam and everybody is taking apart my words and adding their own narrative to it.

No hands touched my meatballs, for what it’s worth. The friend who did come over to help me and I both wore gloves. We had a great time and had lunch afterwards! This friend actually offered and asked if there was anything she could do to help. Nobody expected anything.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:15 pm
amother wrote:
I think it’s terribly tacky to ask people to bring something.

OP said this is her chevre. I don't think it's tacky at all to ask friends to help out, especially if you phrase it in a really friendly manner. But like said above, perhaps this is a cultural thing?
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:16 pm
amother wrote:
I'm thinking there must be some cultural differences at play here. Because I understand op perfectly, and everything she's saying is the norm where I live. I assume that in other communities there are different expectations when it comes to hosting. The norms are definitely not universal.

Thank you for posting this.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:17 pm
so dont host next year.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:19 pm
When I host a seuda as I am thus1 year I expect everyone to help. One person is doing paper goods another3 sides another a main. I provide drinks and coordination and setup
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nechamashifra




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:24 pm
amother wrote:
I feel like some people are not reading the things I am reading clearly. This is not just a random guest, this is one of my closest friends. We’ve done such a thing in the past.


If these are your close friends then you probably know them well enough by now to know that this is what they do. There must be other things you like about them, since they're your friends, so focus on the advantages (you love their company/they're good listeners/fun to be around/thoughtful in other ways/etc) but expect them to never chip in so that you're not surprised every time they don't.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:28 pm
amother wrote:
op- you are cominb across as a sour grump. lighten up a bit! and stop expecting your guests to roll 10 lbs of ground beef. eeew. who wants that many hands touching their food?


Being that there is no dislike button, and ive committed to not hugging aggressively, I have to say that I completely disagree.

From the very first post, op has acknowledged, repeatedly, that she understand the flaw in her feeling logically, and that she knows this is how she did it, and that she's just venting about her help not being reciprocated, and perhaps looking for a way to ask for wine gifts.

I dont see sour grumpiness, and I would ask a super close friend whos eating by me often and wants to help but cant afford it, to help with the food.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:29 pm
amother wrote:
Being that there is no dislike button, and ive committed to not hugging aggressively, I have to say that I completely disagree.

From the very first post, op has acknowledged, repeatedly, that she understand the flaw in her feeling logically, and that she knows this is how she did it, and that she's just venting about her help not being reciprocated, and perhaps looking for a way to ask for wine gifts.

I dont see sour grumpiness, and I would ask a super close friend whos eating by me often and wants to help but cant afford it, to help with the food.

Yes!! Thank you!!
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:51 pm
Back in the 80s we said
BYOB
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 4:52 pm
Hug You sound overwhelmed but also like a wonderful gracious host! I hope the Purim party and seuda ends up being beautiful and brings you much joy! Happy Purim!!
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 5:00 pm
We have a chevra that we do many holidays with and everyone always contributes. None of us expect whoever is hosting to do all the work and foot the whole bill.
One year on Purim I was 9 months pregnant so we brought all the soft drinks and some paper goods. And everyone always brings the alcohol they prefer.
OP, I get your vent. If I were you I would phrase the invite as a potluck. Or at least something like "Please join us for Purim, we will provide the seuda, BYOB"
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 5:11 pm
Op you make total sense to me and I would be annoyed too. I can’t imagine not offering to bring food or wine to a seudah
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iyar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 5:14 pm
Cheiny wrote:
While it’s a nice gesture and usual for guests to bring something, it’s absolutely not right to expect them to. If you invited, it means you fooT the whole bill. If you’re unable to afford, you don’t invite. What if they come with flowers or some other non-food gift? You should not be counting on their food contribuTions.


Maybe you didn’t mean it too, but your post came out sounding kind of harsh, a little mean and bossy even.
I hope you enjoy your seuda and all your guests OP!
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