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My husband thinks he's single on Purim-Talk me down...
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amother




Magenta


Post  Thu, Mar 21 2019, 9:33 pm
DH thinks he's single on Purim. He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with no regard to my wishes or needs. He parties with friends and family, comes and goes as he pleases. I have tried having this conversation with him before Purim, in a calm and non-confrontational way; asking him what we could do to make this work for both of us. But comes Purim, and that conversation is out the window. It's like he's an impulsive, act-first-think-later teenager (and this is before the wine.)

I wish Purim would go away. Purim makes me wish he would go away.

We're married 10 years with a bunch of little kids bh. I end up having to pack up all my kids and take them home alone. Wash them up, put them in pjs, dole out meds, say shema with each one and give them a few minutes to talk about their day, wash baby's bottles, pack away the food, etc.

The past few years, I've not nagged him a bit over Purim. I was upset, but didn't want to be an annoying wife. He finds his way home usually about midnight.

This year, I have a 3 month old baby and I could've used his help. Yes, I made my needs very clear before Purim. But it was the same old story. Nothing doing. When I finally had all my kids in the car with all their junk, costume parts, food, bottles (Oh, I forgot to add my kids have allergies, so I have to cook food for them and bring it along,) I almost sent him a text saying I hate you, don't bother coming home tonight. I was so angry.

He came home 20 minutes ago, stinking like sweat, smoke, and alcohol and acts as if nothing happened.

I want to handle this well. I'm too angry. Please advise asap before he gets out of the shower.

Thanks for reading til the end.
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amother




Violet


Post  Thu, Mar 21 2019, 9:47 pm
Is he considerate and helpful the rest of the year? If so, then just make your Purim plans without him. Do whatever is easiest for you and don't include him in your plans.
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Rappel




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 21 2019, 10:11 pm
Can you say "I'm feeling really angry right now, but I don't think this is a great time to talk it out - it's too late at night. Can we schedule some sit-down time where we can go over why I feel the way I feel right now?"
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zaftigmom




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 21 2019, 10:16 pm
The way I see it is that one of two things has to happen. Either you need to let it go and figure out a way to be ok with it, or you need to get through to him to get him to do better. You can try to approach the conversation with curiosity and vulnerability and see if it gets you anywhere. You can even try to have this conversation with a therapist either together or separately. Don't approach it with anger or frustration because that's an almost guaranteed dead end. Definitely figure something out before next year. Good luck!
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ra_mom




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 21 2019, 10:16 pm
Please figure out a way for you to enjoy Purim too. 10 years of the same thing is just too long. Maybe you can have a more chilled seuda at home with the kids - special food, dancing and singing and then everyone can get into bed calmly at a timely hour.
Or maybe you can hire help to get the kids into PJs before you get into the car, help schlep everybody and everything in and out, and get them settled for bed. Maybe you can even enjoy a nice tea while you have help cleaning up and sorting the MM.
Hug
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 6:31 am
Op, I'm in a similar situation, down to the food allergies and number of years. I've come to accept that I need to change my own expectations, because he's not changing his behavior. I have adapted to leaving whatever I can for him to take care of the next day. So yeah, I have to get the kids home and showered and into bed myself, and put away any perishables. Otherwise I ask him to organize everything else and do the dishes the next day. So at least once the kids are sleeping I can just relax in bed and make it an early night. Also I don't allow him in the bedroom if he stinks and is too out of it to shower. He knows he has to crash on the couch until he's somewhat functional. I don't even bother getting out of bed to greet him when he comes home- if he makes himself sick, it's his problem to get a drink or whatever else he needs. The year I had a newborn on Purim was for sure the worst, and even he knew to apologize afterwards. But there's no long term change happening.
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amother




White


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:31 am
Wow. I don't have any good advice, because what I would want to say to him would be censored here.

Just validating you that his behavior is NOT ok by any stretch of the imagination.
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:47 am
A lot of men take Purim as an opportunity to get drunk and drop all responsibilities.

If it's just the once a year, its ok.

This year, I went w my kids by myself to deliver shalach manos. It was fine. I only went to a few families.
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OutATowner




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:48 am
I like the idea of giving him jobs the day after Purim. You put away perishables, he has to clean up etc the next day. And you get a raincheck for an afternoon by yourself to do as you please.
Not as a tit for tat, but an understanding that this is his need, and so you also deserve to have special time for yourself.
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:50 am
OutATowner wrote:
I like the idea of giving him jobs the day after Purim. You put away perishables, he has to clean up etc the next day. And you get a raincheck for an afternoon by yourself to do as you please.
Not as a tit for tat, but an understanding that this is his need, and so you also deserve to have special time for yourself.

I love this idea and its essentially what I do. Leave at least someof the cleanup. Etc. Get some selfcare today
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:51 am
My husband really ended up helping out this year. But some years hee couldn't and it was fine.
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amother




Magenta


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:54 am
OP here, he is usually helpful all year round. I totally mishandled myself. I told dh I know I can't rely on him cuz he's not dependable (Ouch, I know that was so not helpful, I shouldn't have said anything.)

I don't want to stay home and have a low key meal by myself with my kids. My kids don't want that either. They'd be really disappointed to stay home. They enjoy spending Purim with their cousins. I already take no responsibility for him, driving him around, picking him up, cleaning up after him. I don't do anything extra for him.

He's pretty much useless the next day too, so I can't leave anythign for him to do. Especially cuz it's Friday and I had to make shabbos. Today he woke up at 11:30. Twisted Evil

I think I'll try to have a conversation about it over Shabbos. With curiousity and vulnerability - thanks zaftigmom.

I need to disengage to have this conversation. Ugh, I'm not feeling the calm... Wish I could be more level headed about this.
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amother




Bronze


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:58 am
I think just talking about it before Purim won't help. You need to sit down with a pen and paper and write down both of your needs for the day Then make a schedule, most probably with both of you giving up some of your wants. Then hang it on fridge so neither of you forget about it!

My situation was a joke compared to yours but what helped my husband was knowing that he had the nights off. Yesterday he wanted to stay in Yeshiva and learn after for shachris for a couple hours and thats when I put my foot down and said I need you home during that time. But he knew that after the seudah he was free to fo party in Yeshiva till whenever.
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 22 2019, 2:07 pm
amother wrote:
DH thinks he's single on Purim. He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with no regard to my wishes or needs. He parties with friends and family, comes and goes as he pleases. I have tried having this conversation with him before Purim, in a calm and non-confrontational way; asking him what we could do to make this work for both of us. But comes Purim, and that conversation is out the window. It's like he's an impulsive, act-first-think-later teenager (and this is before the wine.)

I wish Purim would go away. Purim makes me wish he would go away.

We're married 10 years with a bunch of little kids bh. I end up having to pack up all my kids and take them home alone. Wash them up, put them in pjs, dole out meds, say shema with each one and give them a few minutes to talk about their day, wash baby's bottles, pack away the food, etc.

The past few years, I've not nagged him a bit over Purim. I was upset, but didn't want to be an annoying wife. He finds his way home usually about midnight.

This year, I have a 3 month old baby and I could've used his help. Yes, I made my needs very clear before Purim. But it was the same old story. Nothing doing. When I finally had all my kids in the car with all their junk, costume parts, food, bottles (Oh, I forgot to add my kids have allergies, so I have to cook food for them and bring it along,) I almost sent him a text saying I hate you, don't bother coming home tonight. I was so angry.

He came home 20 minutes ago, stinking like sweat, smoke, and alcohol and acts as if nothing happened.

I want to handle this well. I'm too angry. Please advise asap before he gets out of the shower.

Thanks for reading til the end.

Wait until you’ve calmed down, and then make an appt with a third party to discuss this issue, ie. A Rov and/or therapist. He needs to hear someone else give their opinion and to you need a mediator to help you articulate how badly his behavior every year impacts you and the kids, in a calm manner, and to help you both come to an agreement for the future.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 1:45 pm
ectomorph wrote:
A lot of men take Purim as an opportunity to get drunk and drop all responsibilities.

If it's just the once a year, its ok.

This year, I went w my kids by myself to deliver shalach manos. It was fine. I only went to a few families.
Why is getting insanely drunk, even once a year. It is extremely not ok. First off, what must children think when seeing abba that way? Not very good things, thats for sure. Also, I really dont get it. Why should men be allowed to act this way. Whn they are single, its one thing, but once someone is married and then even more once they have children? Im sorry, but I think this is something that has to be discussed and changed. In my entire life, I was at one purim seuda where two married men (and were fathers too) got inappropriate. Other than that, never. It just was never a thing where I grew up and not a thing now where I live.
Why do men get the allowance to act like morons and get drunk to the point of no return. It is not "just once a year". It is something that, in my books, is looked very poorly at. Very!!!
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 5:06 pm
shabbatiscoming wrote:
Why is getting insanely drunk, even once a year. It is extremely not ok. First off, what must children think when seeing abba that way? Not very good things, thats for sure. Also, I really dont get it. Why should men be allowed to act this way. Whn they are single, its one thing, but once someone is married and then even more once they have children? Im sorry, but I think this is something that has to be discussed and changed. In my entire life, I was at one purim seuda where two married men (and were fathers too) got inappropriate. Other than that, never. It just was never a thing where I grew up and not a thing now where I live.
Why do men get the allowance to act like morons and get drunk to the point of no return. It is not "just once a year". It is something that, in my books, is looked very poorly at. Very!!!


Ok, so you don't come from the same community. Different communities have different norms. Her husband is living according to those norms. There are challenges in every community.
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ohmygosh




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 5:09 pm
ectomorph wrote:
A lot of men take Purim as an opportunity to get drunk and drop all responsibilities.

If it's just the once a year, its ok.

This year, I went w my kids by myself to deliver shalach manos. It was fine. I only went to a few families.


Sorry, but have to disagree. It's not ok. Purim is not just any random day of the year. It's a time for families, and especially kids, to enjoy. If you're a father, act like one. Take another random day of the year where your kids don't have expectations, go out with your friends then and get drunk. Not when your kids see other fathers having fun with their kids and they wonder why their father can't be there for them too. Not ok in my book.
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amother




Amethyst


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 5:35 pm
I don’t think it’s ok to leave you to manage all that on your own when you have a newborn.
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amother




Brown


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 5:44 pm
ohmygosh wrote:
Sorry, but have to disagree. It's not ok. Purim is not just any random day of the year. It's a time for families, and especially kids, to enjoy. If you're a father, act like one. Take another random day of the year where your kids don't have expectations, go out with your friends then and get drunk. Not when your kids see other fathers having fun with their kids and they wonder why their father can't be there for them too. Not ok in my book.


See in the circles where fathers get drunk it would not be appropriate to get drunk with friends on another day of the year.
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 5:50 pm
Op from your post it seems that he’s really helpful the rest of the year.
Does he help you with bedtime and cleanup every night?
If that’s the case you should know how lucky you are and let him have his fun this one day of the year.
And as others have said plan your Purim with the kids without including him in it. Keep the outings to a minimum and get home whenever it’s convenient for you. Pretend he’s out of town.
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