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My husband thinks he's single on Purim-Talk me down...
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 10:51 pm
gold21 wrote:
Sigh. I don't know, Zehava. Not to argue, but I don't see her whining, I see her expressing her needs. Honestly, women need to be careful not to blur that line, because it's a slippery slope. It's always okay to express our feelings & needs. Whining is something else.

The truth is, that her husband should take her needs into account. He obviously isn't, so we can advise and support her, with ideas and suggestions and tips and advice. But we shouldn't make her sound like the bad guy here who should count her blessings and grow up and stop whining. Her feelings matter.

Whatever...

Well to be fair in her op she didn’t ask who is right or wrong. She asked to be talked down.
Personally I think that in healthy marriages it’s not a matter of right and wrong or tit for tat. Part of growing up and being in a relationship is realizing that we can only change ourselves and deal the hand we were given.
She’s not the bad guy at all. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. But seeing her blessings in his help the rest of the year may possibly help her have perspective.
Now if her husband had come on here I probably would’ve given different advice. But this is what I’m saying to her. Yes ofcourse she can express her needs. She’s been doing it for ten years. Imas telling her that her dh is a jerk will not make said dh act differently next year.
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My4Jewels




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 10:56 pm
Zehava wrote:
Well to be fair in her op she didn’t ask who is right or wrong. She asked to be talked down.
Personally I think that in healthy marriages it’s not a matter of right and wrong or tit for tat. Part of growing up and being in a relationship is realizing that we can only change ourselves and deal the hand we were given.
She’s not the bad guy at all. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. But seeing her blessings in his help the rest of the year may possibly help her have perspective.
Now if her husband had come on here I probably would’ve given different advice. But this is what I’m saying to her. Yes ofcourse she can express her needs. She’s been doing it for ten years. Imas telling her that her dh is a jerk will not make said dh act differently next year.


Yes but this is not something she can just let go of it seems. She is really quite angry about it. That being case this is something that needs to be resolved not ignored. Some things in a marriage should be let go and yes then op should try not to be irritated and focus on her blessings. This is not the case in my opinion. Op is very very upset therefor this needs intervention if her dh is not going to change.
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delicious




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:19 pm
Lol. Ectomorph, I'm with you on this one. She asked to be talked down. Actually funny how many insist on harping who is right or wrong, and encouraging her to try changing her husband. I just tried changing my husband a coupla moments ago-aarrgghhh
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:25 pm
delicious wrote:
Lol. Ectomorph, I'm with you on this one. She asked to be talked down. Actually funny how many insist on harping who is right or wrong, and encouraging her to try changing her husband. I just tried changing my husband a coupla moments ago-aarrgghhh


So you're saying that if OP had not asked to be talked down, the response would have been different? OK. Fair enough. If OP had expressed herself without asking to be "talked down", what would u have said in that case?
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delicious




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:28 pm
HMMM..Definitely not to discuss in the heat of the moment. Probably to express herself how it feels for her without an ulterior motive to change him or correct him, just out of a need to share her feelings
Yes, That is REALLy really hard to practice
NO I am not perfect in this area at all Can't Believe It Can't Believe It
But when I try to connect without trying to correct...the results are magic
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:32 pm
delicious wrote:
HMMM..Definitely not to discuss in the heat of the moment. Probably to express herself how it feels for her without an ulterior motive to change him or correct him, just out of a need to share her feelings
Yes, That is REALLy really hard to practice
NO I am not perfect in this area at all Can't Believe It Can't Believe It
But when I try to connect without trying to correct...the results are magic


OK . Interesting.

Assuming you would validate her feelings, support her ability to express herself, and not brush it off like "Listen, grow up, just deal with it", your response is fine with me.
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delicious




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:33 pm
We are going through a big change this week and there is so much arguing...it makes me so sad...I keep falling and then it doesn't help the situation at all...instead of just staying calm and expressing my needs I am attacking and blaming...I promise you I know it's not worth it and does not have the desired effect...So I know it's hard work
Friday morning I woke up with the resolve that I had enough, and my relationship is worth more than anything...I'm trying hard to express my needs now without arguing..had the most beautiful two days...then fell through now...but Im going to bounce back iyh
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amother




Chartreuse


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:34 pm
Zehava wrote:
I see it as a division of responsibilities. I don’t know ops situation, and possibly because she relies on him so much for childcare during the rest of the year she freaks out because she has to do it alone for one day. So yeah I do think she should know how lucky she is. An overwhelming majority of women across the spectrum do these things solo every night. Some men travel often for business. Some have jobs that require them to take night shifts or even be away for shabbos or YT. Some just don’t think that childcare has anything to do with them, rightfully or not.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling her to appreciate what she has. We should all appreciate what we have, it’s a great skill to have in life.
Right there along with lowering our expectations of others. We can only change ourselves. She’s obviously been whining about this for ten years and it hasn’t helped much. The question is if she wants to be making herself miserable for the next ten.


I don’t think it’s the majority of women these days who handle all of the household responsibilities with nothing for the dh to do. So maybe that’s why you see it differently.
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delicious




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:36 pm
gold21 wrote:
OK . Interesting.

Assuming you would validate her feelings, support her ability to express herself, and not brush it off like "Listen, grow up, just deal with it", your response is fine with me.


How else? Any feeling a person feels is valid. How could one tell another person your feelings are invalid?
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:38 pm
delicious wrote:
How else? Any feeling a person feels is valid. How could one tell another person your feelings are invalid?


Feel free to read through the responses on this thread.

"It's only one day a year- it's OK"...

Maybe it's OK for you, but it obviously isn't for OP.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

Like I said, read through the thread. Do you feel that OP was validated in all the responses? It was definitely suggested that she should just deal with it and get over it. Well... I disagree. Hence my comments.
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Mar 23 2019, 11:43 pm
amother wrote:
I don’t think it’s the majority of women these days who handle all of the household responsibilities with nothing for the dh to do. So maybe that’s why you see it differently.

Maybe
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delicious




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Mar 24 2019, 12:06 am
gold21 wrote:
Feel free to read through the responses on this thread.

"It's only one day a year- it's OK"...

Maybe it's OK for you, but it obviously isn't for OP.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

Like I said, read through the thread. Do you feel that OP was validated in all the responses? It was definitely suggested that she should just deal with it and get over it. Well... I disagree. Hence my comments.


gotchya
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Mar 24 2019, 7:29 am
Zehava wrote:
I see it as a division of responsibilities. I don’t know ops situation, and possibly because she relies on him so much for childcare during the rest of the year she freaks out because she has to do it alone for one day. So yeah I do think she should know how lucky she is. An overwhelming majority of women across the spectrum do these things solo every night. Some men travel often for business. Some have jobs that require them to take night shifts or even be away for shabbos or YT. Some just don’t think that childcare has anything to do with them, rightfully or not.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling her to appreciate what she has. We should all appreciate what we have, it’s a great skill to have in life.
Right there along with lowering our expectations of others. We can only change ourselves. She’s obviously been whining about this for ten years and it hasn’t helped much. The question is if she wants to be making herself miserable for the next ten.
I really think you are thinking of a very small percentage here of men who dont partake in household duties as well as the wife. In many or even most homes now a days, both spouses work and most work full time so the division of household chores is usually shared. I dont know what circles you are traveling in, but the ones I do, most husbands are there in the evening, doing things just like the wife.
And men who dont think they have to do any child care need a big smack in the behind and a knock over their heads. Really!
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Mar 24 2019, 8:45 am
Zehava wrote:
Well to be fair in her op she didn’t ask who is right or wrong. She asked to be talked down.
Personally I think that in healthy marriages it’s not a matter of right and wrong or tit for tat. Part of growing up and being in a relationship is realizing that we can only change ourselves and deal the hand we were given.
She’s not the bad guy at all. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. But seeing her blessings in his help the rest of the year may possibly help her have perspective.
Now if her husband had come on here I probably would’ve given different advice. But this is what I’m saying to her. Yes ofcourse she can express her needs. She’s been doing it for ten years. Imas telling her that her dh is a jerk will not make said dh act differently next year.


I'm pretty grown up and I'm in a relationship, B"H. "We can only change ourselves and deal the hand we were given" is tricky advice. It can work out fine, or it can put the achrayus on the woman (grow up, this is part of life, stop whining) AND it encourage women to put up with bad behavior (and it gets a lot worse than a guy ignoring his wife's needs on Purim...).

If you asked for my marriage advice in this sort of scenario, it would be, "Don't be a martyr. That never helps a relationship and never benefits a marriage. If something really bothers you, find a way to communicate your needs effectively, even if that means engaging a third party." Now, obviously, my "marriage advice" won't fit every scenario either, but no one piece of advice is one size fits all. But I think it's important to encourage women to communicate their needs and not to encourage them to keep their needs to themselves and deal with it.
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amother




Navy


Post  Sun, Mar 24 2019, 10:26 am
amother wrote:
OP here, he is usually helpful all year round. I totally mishandled myself. I told dh I know I can't rely on him cuz he's not dependable (Ouch, I know that was so not helpful, I shouldn't have said anything.)

I don't want to stay home and have a low key meal by myself with my kids. My kids don't want that either. They'd be really disappointed to stay home. They enjoy spending Purim with their cousins. I already take no responsibility for him, driving him around, picking him up, cleaning up after him. I don't do anything extra for him.

He's pretty much useless the next day too, so I can't leave anythign for him to do. Especially cuz it's Friday and I had to make shabbos. Today he woke up at 11:30. Twisted Evil

I think I'll try to have a conversation about it over Shabbos. With curiousity and vulnerability - thanks zaftigmom.

I need to disengage to have this conversation. Ugh, I'm not feeling the calm... Wish I could be more level headed about this.


I think it is very unfair of your husband, especially this year that you have a NEWBORN on top of a bunch of kids who want to have a regular fun purim.

Were u able to discuss over Shabbos?
In my home my husband does most of the driving around delivering sholoch monos with the kids, and years that I have a newborn he does it entirely. He also watches the kids while I go hear megilla. He still likes to have his fun, but we have the seuda very late in the day, and that’s when he starts drinking the first time. I’m okay with doing bedtime myself, (I skip baths -don’t tell anyone), as he’s been helpful all day and is generally very accommodating.

You need to find a solution that works for YOU. His being unavailable all day to act like a teenager is not okay. I hope u can work something out.
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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:35 am
Zehava wrote:
I see it as a division of responsibilities. I don’t know ops situation, and possibly because she relies on him so much for childcare during the rest of the year she freaks out because she has to do it alone for one day. So yeah I do think she should know how lucky she is. An overwhelming majority of women across the spectrum do these things solo every night. Some men travel often for business. Some have jobs that require them to take night shifts or even be away for shabbos or YT. Some just don’t think that childcare has anything to do with them, rightfully or not.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling her to appreciate what she has. We should all appreciate what we have, it’s a great skill to have in life.
Right there along with lowering our expectations of others. We can only change ourselves. She’s obviously been whining about this for ten years and it hasn’t helped much. The question is if she wants to be making herself miserable for the next ten.


I'm 100% with you on this Zehava. I agree with every word you wrote here.
OP, you've expressed what you need for Purim and your DH is not ready to work with you on this. But guess what? You are an adult and you can meet your OWN needs!
Hire someone to help with childcare! Order in a delicious takeout meal for a treat! Have a great time with your babies and if DH has a problem with the expense, tell him it's just one day and you deserve to enjoy the holiday the same way he does.
Being a martyr will only cause resentment and mess up your relationship. If he is as good a husband and father the rest of the year as you say, you need to solve this and move on from it.
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Soul on fire




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Mar 31 2019, 4:02 pm
If he really only behaves this way on Purim, besides it being annoying to you, if he isn't really behaving badly otherwise I would say let him have the day and just know that it will be like that. And, maybe from now on since you know he will be out drinking, have a ladies (and children's) potluck seuda. Maybe it could rotate between you and friends who also deal with this situation on Purim.
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