New woman joins shul to make friends WWYD?

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 10:07 pm

watergirl wrote:

When I look to join a shul, the very FIRST thing I notice is if the people are warm and welcoming to me, a visitor, who is unknown to the shul. I think most people would agree, actually. It sounds like you are part of a very closed and cold kehilla. I wonder about the rav of such a place; who allows or encourages people to be treated like this under his watch. Such a chaval.

So many guesses about myself/rav/kehillah wow!
Do u have a good guess for the lotto game ?

CatLady

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 10:17 pm

I've been the newbie in shuls of various denominations on many occasions, and never was I treated to a remake of the movie Mean Girls. In fact, I'd expect the opposite.

My late mother OBM drummed it into our heads that, as Jews, we could walk into any shul on the planet and be made to feel at home. For you to go against this principle is simply horrifying to me. I hope you have a chance to make it right with the newbie. But I wouldn't blame her one iota if she wasn't free whenever you invited her for a Shabbos meal. I know I'd have a scheduling conflict.

malki2

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 11:04 pm

amother wrote:

I did introduce her to my BFF. My BFF is very shy and won't talk at all if someone else is talking. I agree that I was rude. The next time I see the newbie, I will say hello to her, wish her a good Shabbos and try to say "It's good to see you". But I don't have the patience to listen to her go on and on endlessly about herself.

Just by the fact that you actually refer to someone as your BFF signifies that you have the emotional capacity of a nine year old. And that is being generous.

giselle

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 11:21 pm

I’ll embarrassingly admit that when I was in high school I thought it was cool to be standoffish. Thank god I’m now an adult. And thankfully, Imamother is the only place I’ve encountered these communities (and bungalow colonies) where people are apparently stuck emotionally at age 15.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 11:38 pm

amother wrote:

"Hey I'm sitting here with my best friend forever" is just not the way to talk to people.

I cannot get over this. When I was in grade school I had a bf. When I was in high school my friends changed around as they do now at 51.

There is someone in my community who talks about everyone as though they are her best friend except whoever she is sitting with. It’s such an icky feeling, especially when you’ve been a good friend to them.

Both Dh and I can’t stand it. Recently she told me she isn’t best friends with her best friend anymore and I did everything I could to keep my mouth shut. She isn’t gonna be my good friend, ever. Maybe at some point it was possible but certainly not now.

amother

Copper

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 12:47 am

One of the most welcoming gestures I ever saw was in a shul we went to once while on vacation. The announcements after davening included who was sponsoring the kiddush, along with this line: "You'll notice that we have plain white plastic cups and some red ones. If you are new here, please take a red cup. That way, people will be able to come over and greet our newcomers. We don't want to miss anyone."

ora_43

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 2:23 am

OK so I agree that what OP did was rude, but why are so many people assuming that OP must have read the situation completely wrong, and if the new woman was monologue-ing it was only because OP wasn't socializing right?

I'm going to go ahead and take the question at face value, and assume the new woman was rude too.

Not that it really changes things, OP. Shul isn't a place to hold private conversations of the type that you can't handle having interrupted. I have good friends I want to see on Shabbat, too. If I want to speak with them without being interrupted, I go to their house. When you're in a community space other people will sometimes want to talk to you, and it would be extremely rude to ignore them or make them feel unwelcome.

It's OK to set boundaries with someone who is constantly talking at you, but there's a time and place for that, and "within the first few minutes of meeting" and "in public" are not that time and place.

DrMom

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 2:39 am

ora_43 wrote:

I think that at least one person in this threesome is either rude or socially off.

It would be interesting to hear each of their perspectives on what happened here.

With only one person telling this odd story, it's difficult to say. Classic unreliable narrator dilemma.

ora_43

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 2:49 am

The other main issue with what you did is assuming that if she kept talking to you after 5-10 minutes, it must have meant she was assuming you were friends.

No, she was probably just thinking that it was a new shul and she didn't know anyone, and that it was easier to keep talking to these two women she thought she was having a nice conversation with than to go around introducing herself to random people.

You got rid of her in the most painful way (blatant rebuff in front of another person) when, if you'd put yourself in her shoes, you probably could have gotten out of the conversation in a much more gentle way, by introducing her to someone else and then fading out of the conversation.

amother

Rose

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 5:32 am

I joined to my current shul because on our pilot trip, everyone came over to say hello, ask if I'm visiting, where I'm from. Multiple people offered help with anything needed, I was overwhelmed by the openness and kindness displayed.
Now, as an oldie, I always go her to a new face to say hello.
A group of us usually hang out together as we're all busy all week, despite trying to catch up, we always include newbies and visitors. I've met so many interesting people this way!

amother

Brunette

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 5:34 am

groovy1224 wrote:

You and the OP of that 'help me deal with the losers who come to my door on purim' thread should really get together. You seem suited.

Maybe it’s the same individual.

33055

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 6:15 am

ora_43 wrote:

The other assumption is that she joined the shul to make friends. Look at the thread title. She could have come to shul to, you know, doven.

This thead distresses me because I don't like that Jews can treat eat other like this especially in shul. It's sad.

watergirl

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 6:43 am

amother wrote:

So many guesses about myself/rav/kehillah wow!
Do u have a good guess for the lotto game ?

They arent guesses. Everything I said is from your posts. The part I added about your rav was a guess if you want to call it that, because he allows what you described to go on at his shul.

Lesia

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 7:26 am

malki2 wrote:

Just by the fact that you actually refer to someone as your BFF signifies that you have the emotional capacity of a nine year old. And that is being generous.

Exactly what I was going to say. What kind of grown woman refers to a friend as a BFF?

33055

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 8:45 am

DrMom wrote:

I imagine what BFF is thinking. She is thinking that she only has to put up with OP for a short time on Shabbos when OP monopolizes her time. She is thinking she got rid of OP's calls during the week. And she is silently rolling her eyes when OP calls her BFF.

New comer is thinking that OP didn't get her messages when she told her that they only talk nonsense at her old shul. She was hoping to clue OP in that it is nonsense for a grown lady to call anyone BFF except as a joke. She was also silently rolling her eyes.

southernbubby

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 8:52 am

Now that I have moved, I am probably going to be privileged to help my grandchildren daven if I go to shul. The only 'reprieve' from that is Yizkor.
Basically shul won't be a place for me to get a BFF.
When I lived in Detroit, we basically had a regular seat in shul but we were friends with everyone. There was a woman there who had been OTD for awhile and came back as a single mom to a newborn. She sat in the back while we front row ladies passed the baby around. I hope that it made her feel accepted.

I would not want the type of friends that are possessive. We need to accept everyone who comes. There was a non-Jewish lady who came to the shul because her kids converted and she had loads of friends there and plenty of invitations. Her son married the daughter of a congregant.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 8:59 am

Its so sad.
I’m quiet and shy to make new shul friends and dont go too often. Some shul people go away for a week on vacation and I always declined the invitation. This year I broke through the ice and it was the most wonderful week of my life- it was awesome getting to know the women finally. They were so welcoming to their group. It was one big family- no “bff”. I am so grateful