New woman joins shul to make friends WWYD?

urban gypsy

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:08 am

amother wrote:

your ‘best friend forever’ ignores you all week

is she really your best friend.... Can't Believe It

THIS! If she hadn't added this detail, I would think she is simply mean.

But OP seems to think that the woman who never answers her calls is "busy" and she sits silently listening to OP's monologues because she is "shy."

I'm thinking that OP has some serious social issues and is definitely on the spectrum.

ectomorph

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:15 am

[quote="urban gypsy"]THIS! If she hadn't added this detail, I would think she is simply mean.

But OP seems to think that the woman who never answers her calls is "busy" and she sits silently listening to OP's monologues because she is "shy."

I'm thinking that OP has some serious social issues and is definitely on the spectrum.[/quote

Agree-excellent point and a good catch.

Hopefully the visitor realized this and wasn't too hurt

imasoftov

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:37 am

groovy1224 wrote:

You and the OP of that 'help me deal with the losers who come to my door on purim' thread should really get together. You seem suited.

I'll probably regret asking, but I either missed or repressed my memory of that, if it's still up where can I find it?

southernbubby

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:43 am

urban gypsy wrote:

If she is on the spectrum, it's not in her control to be a better reader of social cues. We should be careful not to sit in judgement of such a person. Maybe there are books, YouTube videos or therapy for that.
There are women on here who identify as being on the spectrum and they hope that others are able to be tolerant.
We should be kindly and patiently guiding OP in the direction of how to get help if she is suspected of having a spectrum disorder.

urban gypsy

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:47 am

southernbubby wrote:

Agreed. I am not judging her, I am simply stating a fact. In my post, I said that I DON'T think she is being mean. She is incapable of picking up on social cues and conventions. For example, adult women don't tell acquaintances in shul that they are sitting with their BFF. Not even very young women. I am quite certain that based on everything she has posted here, she is on the spectrum. I hope she can get some help and support to learn how to compensate in social situations and interact more smoothly with others if she wishes to do so.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:51 am

urban gypsy wrote:

Even if she is not officially on the “spectrum” she can benefit from taking some of the social skill training that I’m giving my spectrum son- it’s beneficial for anyone who needs the extra coaching

watergirl

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:52 am

urban gypsy wrote:

I disagree. She said that she perceived that the newbie was visibly hurt when she got up and left the table. Also, she was giving newbie indirect hints that she isnt wanted. Both of these things indicate social skills and an understanding of non-verbal communication and subtext/context that someone on the spectrum would miss.

groovy1224

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:55 am

watergirl wrote:

This. OP said she was strongly trying to indicate that the new woman should leave, and was upset that she didn't pick up on her cues.

Doesn't seem like someone who lacks social awareness, just someone who lacks..a heart? I seriously don't understand someone behaving like that intentionally and with conviction.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:57 am

amother wrote:

Of course- she has to “want” to go!
I think she’d send her new friend instead though...

SuperWify

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:02 am

Didn’t read all the responses.

But... To answer OPs question, (she did after all, ask WWYD..) I’d try to make her feel comfortable just like I’d want to be treated if I was the newcomer.

Last edited by SuperWify on Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:06 am; edited 1 time in total

urban gypsy

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:04 am

watergirl wrote:

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that "on the spectrum" is just that, a spectrum of degrees of antisocial behavior. Perhaps her inner logic was, it is weird for a newcomer to go up to strangers and talk to them, so she was doing her a favor by being direct and letting her know that OP was not interested in speaking with her. As far as I understood, her "indirect hints" consisted of bluntly telling her that she was sitting next to her BFF. Not so indirect, actually pretty heavy-handed if you ask me. IMO no neurotypical adult would behave this way. Even if they actually WERE mean and cruel to newcomers, they would be embarrassed to act this bizarrely in public. They might make an excuse and leave, or get up to get a drink, or something of that nature. OP's behaviour sounds quite atypical to me. I think what is weird to the readers of this thread is it is unusual to read a post like this from the first person perspective. If you were there observing, it probably would have looked much different than what she is describing.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 12:07 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

"on the spectrum" in common parlance usually refers to a person who is diagnosed with, (or would be diagnosed with, if evaluated) Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

urban gypsy

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 12:24 pm

watergirl wrote:

In any case, making a diagnosis is inappropriate, even as a joke.

I would never ever joke about something like this.
I am noting that there is another very plausible explanation for OP's extremely atypical social behavior other than calling her mean.