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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:10 am
Not exactly jealous.
Maybe lazy
I’m just finding it harder and harder each yr, as I get older, but I’m not that old, 51yrs.

It’s not the cooking or the pre cleaning. It’s the actual YT I want to feel pampered. Also I don’t like waking up to messes after I or the cleaning lady just tidied up

B”H, I have cleaning help. And B”H we don’t struggle financially.

Also, son comes with entire family and they are just ALOT of work. They get a “hotel” Stay.
I love my kids don’t get me wrong.
If I could afford it I would take them to the hotel with me.
We could afford to go as a couple.

Since day 1 of marriage I’ve done Pesach
Never able to go to in laws or parents.
1 set not frum, the other live in a different country and even if we would have paid airline tickets they never invited.

So yea I guess I’m jealous, and I hate feeling this way

I already do self care thingsjust for me, but if I leave for a minute I come back to the house in shambles.

All yr long it’s just DH and I at home.
We always have guests over, but at the end of the meal they all go home and once I tidy up I know I’m done.

I will zip my mouth for the 10days as usual.

But I just wish I can go 1 yr.
I know if I do end up going I’ll want to go every year.

BTW- I just find it hard Pesach- the other YT the kids come as well, but I love it.
Sukkot we eat all our meals at the shul, so I only worry about cleaning and occasional snacks, Chol Hamoed, etc. Sukkot we can eat out to restaurants as well.
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groovy1224




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 10:20 am
So what's stopping you from going as a couple? Maybe you can alternate years- one year go away, one year host your kids.

I don't blame you for wanting a break!
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:02 am
groovy1224 wrote:
So what's stopping you from going as a couple? Maybe you can alternate years- one year go away, one year host your kids.

I don't blame you for wanting a break!


Sorry I didn’t mention this
DH is the Rav in a big community
A lot of ppl come in on vacation during Chagim
In shul, there are over 1000 ppl., during Pesach
He can’t leave.
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:02 am
Go! If not now then when? When you’ll be old and have aches and pains?
You’re young enough to enjoy it still.
Your son will be fine just like you were. He probably has in laws too that he can go to at least partially. And like you said you don’t mind hosting them for other YTs.
Don’t be a martyr. You raised him until his marriage. He’s an adult now. Do what’s good for you.
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:05 am
amother wrote:
Sorry I didn’t mention this
DH is the Rav in a big community
A lot of ppl come in on vacation during Chagim
In shul, there are over 1000 ppl., during Pesach
He can’t leave.

Then I suggest taking full time cleaning help. Every day. To literally be there all the time to clean up and serve and whatever else you need. Also a frank discussion with the guests to clean up after themselves and their kids.
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ra_mom




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:06 am
Hire a live in for 2 weeks to help with housekeeping and child care. Hug
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:15 am
ra_mom wrote:
Hire a live in for 2 weeks. Hug


This is not a viable option
1. I hate it
2. I don’t have room, I live in a 2 bedroom apt.
3. I’m too lazy to train anyone

I just wanted to vent hear.

I should be grateful
I know very well the 2 families that were lost in the fires in Brooklyn.

I REALLY SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN
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ra_mom




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:17 am
You deserve a break. It's ok to vent and complain. We get it - we're all so exhausted Hug
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cm




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:18 am
How does your house become a shambles?Presumably, your son is an adult. If he is a father, he should be responsible for his children. Have a serious talk with him about your expectations for guests' behavior over extended visits.

ETA now I see from your last post that you live in a small space. Maybe your son can find a vacant apartment in the neighborhood for Pesach and join you for meals (some or all, your choice).
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naturalmom5




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:22 am
Don't overthink it

If you can afford to go as couple
JUST GO
Is your son working.
He should at least partially pay his way to go along
If not there are many other times to see him

Pesach is VERY HARD
Once you hit 50s just go
Don't run yourself into the ground
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:27 am
Sounds hard. Your feelings all seem normal
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imasinger




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:28 am
Please don't compare yourself to others. Your frustration and pain is real, and you don't do anyone any favors by saying, "well, someone else has more, so I shouldn't be bothered."

Feelings are Hashem's way of giving us important information about ourselves. If you're thirsty, you don't say, "well, the traveler I know in the desert is thirstier, so I have nothing to complain about." You get a drink.

In this case, the challenge is to figure out what's really bothering you. Is it having DS and family underfoot in a small space, and expecting you to provide everything while they don't lift a finger?
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simba




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:30 am
I have gone to my in-laws for many years. I don’t expect anyone to clean up after me and my children.
Please tell you son that you are glad to host him but need him to pitch in and keep his families mess in check.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with it or mean MIL’ish of you. You work hard to prepare a beautiful Yom Tov. Basic mentchlichkeit is to pick up after yourself and that includes your children.
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Sebastian




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:33 am
She can't go if her dh has a job on Pesach. OP it sounds hard. Is renting an empty apt for ds an option? I'm assuming he has little ones and it's hard to keep cleaning after them. It's also okay to let ds know before hand that you have expectations as far as cleaning up after the kids is concerned. I don't get a "hotel stay" at my parents or my ils and that's okay.
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imasinger




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:41 am
The best way to handle the mess situation is to tell them in advance, remind them in the moment, and praise after it's done.

"Tomorrow, I'll be out with my friend, please make sure all dishes are washed and toys picked up when I return at 3, thanks!"

"I'm going out now, please remember to have everything cleaned up in the kitchen and rooms by the time I'm back at 3!"

"It feels so good to walk into this clean house, thank you!"
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:49 am
cm wrote:
How does your house become a shambles?Presumably, your son is an adult. If he is a father, he should be responsible for his children. Have a serious talk with him about your expectations for guests' behavior over extended visits.

ETA now I see from your last post that you live in a small space. Maybe your son can find a vacant apartment in the neighborhood for Pesach and join you for meals (some or all, your choice).


This would be wonderful, but I know he and his wife would be totally insulted. I know that’s there problem, but....
I love peace.
I just need to pick up my big girl panties and say it’s only 10 days.
On Sukkot it’s not as hard since we eat most of the meals out most of YT we are in shul either davening or eating
The kids run around a lot outside
By the time they get home everyone is ready for a nap
So the messes in the kitchen are most manageable.


BTW- my DH is totally wonderful, besides getting me help, and helping,
He treats me to a 4 day weekday outing after each YT. We go away to a nearby city and stay at a hotel for 4 days
We do absolutely nothing rest, shul, eat, rest
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imasinger




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 11:56 am
amother wrote:
This would be wonderful, but I know he and his wife would be totally insulted. I know that’s there problem, but....
I love peace.


Sounds like you are worried about no peace either way

One in their hurt feelings causing tensions among everyone, the other in your extra work load in catering to them.

I think if you worded it right, you could probably sell the stay nearby as a generous gesture. They might be happy to have more space for the week. It's really worth a shot! Since your DH is a big rav, he probably has good people skills, and may be able to help you put this out positively.

Unless, of course, you'd rather the 4 day retreat than the separate apartment for them on YT. Comparing might be helpful to focus on moving forward in a positive frame of mind.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 12:11 pm
Why can't you do some meals pesach in shul as well?
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 12:51 pm
dankbar wrote:
Why can't you do some meals pesach in shul as well?

They only offer Sukkot
Most ppl here live in buildings no SUKKA
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Sebastian




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Mar 25 2019, 1:36 pm
Op my mil has no problem giving me useless advice about lo and telling me to pick up food a kid dropped on the floor. If they get insulted it's their issue. You are kind enough to be hosting them the whole chag. Btw they may find they prefer their own space once they try it this year.

Frame it as, 1 br is too small for you and your kids so we rented you an apt for this year and we'll see how you like it.
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