9 year old daughter being left out :(

amother

Crimson

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 3:22 pm

I'm so upset, I can't even anticipate upcoming simcha. Sad

Basically, my brother is finally getting married overseas after many years of waiting. It's a huge simcha for our family and my parents offered to pay for our tickets plus 2 oldest children of each family. So basically, my 9 year old daughter is being left out of all the "girls" as other oldest children are basically girls and her age. All along, my husband felt terrible for her and said we should book ourselves but couldn't afford. Now the price is way over the top and definitely not affordable. To make matters worse, at the last minute, the school is giving me hard time of her switching buses to stay at classmate's house on other bus route. I feel like crying for my poor child being left out. She dreamed for so many years to wear gown and dance at her uncle's wedding. She never really had another wedding to attend. So now I'm scrambling with her plans and so upset. I wish I can take her along, I so badly wish. Sad

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 3:25 pm

I'm sorry, that must be hard. I would probably be selective about which photos I showed her afterwards. She won't be there to see that the other girl cousins attended, and she doesn't necessarily have to know about it. Maybe talk to them about not discussing it in front of her afterwards too.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 3:32 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so upset, I can't even anticipate upcoming simcha. Sad

Is she the only girl being left out because of this setup? If so, would you try having a talk with your parents and see if something comes out of it? I dont know your parents, but what do you have to lose by trying that?

amother

Crimson

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 3:34 pm

Simple1 wrote:

If at all possible, I would scrimp and save to pay out of pocket.

I can't, I simply can't. A ticket now would cost $2500, when ours were $600 each. My husband kept saying we should book for her but I didn't see how we can afford, also parents didn't want her to come, as felt she's not mature enough to handle the whole thing. She knows exactly who's going so won't make diff. It's so hard, my other girls got gowns and are all excited to fly and attend chasunah and she's being left out. I'm crying for her. Crying

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 3:39 pm

amother wrote:

You mentioned in your first post that the other oldest children are her age. Why do your parents feel that she is not mature enough, and the other girls her age are?

amother

Crimson

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 3:56 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, she is and we already tried many times. They were vehemently opposed to it bec of her lively personality. My nephews going are her age and younger. Sad

amother

Crimson

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 3:56 pm

amother wrote:

You mentioned in your first post that the other oldest children are her age. Why do your parents feel that she is not mature enough, and the other girls her age are?

The other kids her age who are coming are boys and my mother claims those are the 2 oldest in that family so can't help it. Maybe they're a little more tame than her also, whatever. They may have a point but it's still very upsetting and hurtful.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 4:13 pm

amother wrote:

I understand that your DD is disappointed that she won't be attending her uncle's wedding. Its only natural.

But its not "hurtful" and she's not purposely being "left out."

Weddings are expensive. In addition to whatever they are contributing to the simcha, your parents are putting out $2400 per family for travel. How many families are there -- obviously your parents ($1200), you ($2400), at least one sibling ($2400) -- $6000. How many more siblings? And how many more kids would need to be included if your DD was?

Return your other girls' gowns, as well as any clothing that you might have purchased, and put it towards an airline ticket for your 9 year old. Or see if you can trade in your husband's ticket for one for her, if your husband agrees.

And mazel tov to your brother.

causemommysaid

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 4:16 pm

No one is really excluding her. Your parents are footing the bill for all children, spouses, and two oldest grandchildren per family. They aren't really being unfair.

I think you should have booked her a ticket when it was cheaper but since you cant anymore maybe promise her something special to make up for it. It's hard. I'm sorry.

amother

Brown

Mon, Mar 25 2019, 4:21 pm

Your daughter isn't being purposely left out. It's a pretty fair & generous arrangement for grandparents to make. Your 2 oldest where also once younger then they are now.... life isn't fair. This is no reason to feel hurt.
If your DD see's and senses you making a big deal out of it, it will only make her more resentful and upset. If it's that important to you, find a way to foot the bill. Get her a nice gift and don't make a huge deal out of it. And your DD does not have to know that the school is giving you a hard time making a bus change.