Age Inappropriate Bathroom Assistance (TMI)

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 9:42 am

DS7 still calls me to wipe him after a BM. He has some sensory issues so that may be a contributing factor, but seriously, he's way to old for this!

Many many times I've encouraged him to do it himself, and he manages if he's fairly clean, but not if it's messy. Sorry about the TMI, I just need advice.

At some point I gave him a deadline and told him I would no longer be helping him after his birthday, but he just protests that he can't and stays in the bathroom for hours until I come.

Ideas?

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 9:45 am

Incentives? Is there a special gift he would like for his birthday, to help him overcome this hurdle?

Also, perhaps having wipes, as opposed to just toilet paper, would help him get the job done? Either flushable or a closed bin for disposal?

mandr

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 9:53 am

I would rather my 7 year old ask me to help wipe him than have him walk around all day dirty until bath time.

Maybe get him a fun package of wipes that are exclusively for him to use.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 9:55 am

To be honest, I think by 7 most kids should learn to clean themselves.

I had one child who was resistant to this in kindergarten and the Morah used to help her, and I was worried about how she'd handle it when starting school (in Lakewood they start in Primary-Pre-1-A) but B"H she caught up....maybe girls are different than boys.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 10:04 am

What happens with some children who have emotional resistance (with my child it was anxiety and disgust) is that they won't use the bathroom away from home for #2. There was no way to force it, because it was anxiety based. What needed to happen was lots of reassurance from me and gentle support while I helped and guided her through age 8. Insisting she do it herself would have exacerbated the bathroom issues and made things worse on all ends. In general, there could be a lot of anxiety around bathroom issues and developing Independence and it needs to be handled wisely, with an understanding of where the issues are coming from

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 10:57 am

Are you using wipes? My kids get very frustrated if they don't have wipes, and I don't blame them.. it can be really hard to do a good job with toilet paper. When we go away for yt I always bring wipes for them (don't worry, they know not to flush in anyone's toilet).

mommy3b2c

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 11:07 am

First of all, use flushable wipes. And I agree with others that seven is still within the range of normal. My kids were wiped steadily till age six, less and less by seven, and still once in a while at 8. It eventually stopped on its own.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 11:09 am

Thanks everyone for your input. We've tried incentives, and he has flushable wipes. But he just doesn't want to do it, ever. We can stretch it another few months until he's eight, but really, at some point it's just not acceptable for me to have to be available at all hours of day and night to just drop everything and help him.

To be honest, I thought most people would be horrified, but if it's not considered too old maybe I'll just let it go for now.

mandr

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 11:20 am

Is it because he just doesn't want to do it or he can't. There's a difference. If he just doesn't want to, then you can definitely use more force to get him to do it on his own, but if he can't then try to have him attempt it completely on his own while you watch and you can guide him and tell him to continue wiping etc, or wipe differently.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 11:51 am

seriously shocked some posters insist it’s nornal till age 8b Surprised

Imagine how often a 8 year old child is away from mom and needs to use the bathroom independently, but he lacks the necessary skills to confidently take care of himself.
By age 4 all my children self wipe. I teach them this necessary skill and over look that it’s done properly. I provide wipes, encouragement and tips. They become skilled enough to be able to look at a wipe and realize- all clean vs need more wiping, by age FOUR.
8 ??? Come on, stop coddling.

amother

Oak

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 11:54 am

Amother lawngreen, good for you that your kids wipe at 4. But it's not coddling if a 7 year old still needs some help, it's ok. When my kids go away its usually to their grandparents or aunts that bh have no problem helping them when they need.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 11:57 am

amother wrote:

That’s another important side of this whole thing. Besides for his personal need to be able to use the bathroom independently, he also needs to learn to not expect his mom to drop everything to help him. There’s a level of respect to mom that she’s no required to drop everything to wipe a child that is honestly old enough to do that himself.
Help is kind when needed, harmful when not.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 11:58 am

amother wrote:

I don't know your child, but what would happen if you would leave him in the bathroom for hours a couple of times? If he is resisting for any other issues besides a serious one, the boredom and frustration will have him come around fairly quickly.

amother

Oak

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 12:00 pm

Lawngreen, how is it harmful to my 7 year old that she still needs help wiping?? You're making it seem like a huge deal, it takes a second.
Kids need our help, they're not being disrespectful when they need our help, sheesh.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 12:01 pm

amother wrote:

I've done that when I was too busy with other things but he just waited. Got himself something to play with, chatted with his siblings etc.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 12:03 pm

amother wrote:

I've done that when I was too busy with other things but he just waited. Got himself something to play with, chatted with his siblings etc.

Was that done sporadically or continuously? If you've done it only here and there, it doesn't have much of an impact. If you do it daily for a week or two, he'll get very bored of spending most of his time in the bathroom.

I would also try to keep his siblings away to lessen the entertainment for him.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 12:05 pm

amother wrote:

Because There’s a level of confidence that comes with being able to take care of yourself. Yes it takes more time to sit there and teach them how to do it themselves then it does to just go in and wipe them. But you are teaching them to be independent so when you’re not around they feel confident to be able to take care of themselves.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 12:06 pm

amother wrote:

It's not so much the time it takes, but what this can lead to. How does the 7 year old manage if she's in a friend's house, or what happens if you leave her with a babysitter? Does she hold back, will she limit the time she spend in other people's houses because of this? What does she do in school?

Barring any serious issue, taking care of your own personal needs is a skill a 7 year old should master. Constantly having to think about the timing of bowel movements takes up a lot of head-space for a little kid like this.