Help me deal with grace

amother

Navy

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 9:38 pm

There is a divorced woman in my neighborhood who has a daughter in my 5 year old daughters class. We are not friends but I am always cordial. I used to be friendlier towards her but (and I am not proud of this) she would often ask me to host playdates which I (work extreme hours, have other small children) didn't feel I could handle. Her daughter is a bit wild and not the best influence for mine but I always feel bad because she is a child of a divorce with all that entails.

Tonight she sent me a text
"Hi. (her DD) wants to know if she could eat by (my DD)house for shabbos lunch with her mommy".
I immediately said I would love to have her but
a. I am dreading it
b. I feel awful that im dreading it. and
c. I know she will ask me to host her daughter for after the meal which I totally am not up for because my husband and I take turns napping and when hes napping, being alone with my own crew is a lot. But I feel conflicted saying no.

Looking for chizzuk on how to make the most of this situation, the general situation / any perspective

Thank you

forgetit

Wed, Mar 27 2019, 9:48 pm

I have something similar sometimes. Not divorce, but 'special' situation as well. I DREAD it so much but put on my polite face and do my hostess thing. When it's over, I usually realize that because I was expecting the worst it wasn't all that bad.
I also remind myself both about how I'm helping the mom, allowing the children to see healthy family interactions (I hope:), and giving them TLC.
Sometimes I say no, and then feel guilty about it...
However, there's no long-term negative effect on my children, which you may or may not have to deal with. That should give you reason to consider how much you want to limit things.
Also, my husband would not be a happy camper watching someone else's difficult child, and I wouldn't impose on him. I'd say something like "She can stay until 2, but then my husband's going to take over childcare so we'll walk her home/can you arrange to have her picked up before then?"
It's hard, but it helps to think/know that you may be giving the child much needed love.

imasinger

Thu, Mar 28 2019, 3:40 am

"Hi, just wanted to clarify. We'd love to have you join us for lunch, but are going to need to say goodbye at around 2. Looking forward!"

If you get a chance, I encourage you to tell her that you sometimes feel stretched and overwhelmed between work and childcare. The more comfortable you are saying no when you need to, the more comfortable you will be saying yes when you can.

DVOM

Thu, Mar 28 2019, 3:58 am

amother wrote:

Somehow the tone of her asking for an invitation for herself and daughter is irking me! Though, really, it's kind of cute. But it's bothering me for some reason.

I would text back: "Hi! This is (DD). My mommy said she'd love to have you and your mommy for the meal! I know we're going to want to continue playing after the seudah...can you ask your mommy if I can come back home with you to play after the meal? (Shabbos afternoon is quiet time for my family.)"

salt

Thu, Mar 28 2019, 4:17 am

DVOM wrote:

She is trying to make it sound 'cute' as it's embarassing to ask for an invitation, so by doing it like that it kind of softens the embarassment. Also, she is making it sound like it's coming from her DD, whereas the mom is probably in need of the invitations too!

I would say yes, and I agree with the poster 'forgetit' that said that usually, when we dread these things, they end up being better than we envisaged.
And it's hard, but it's perfectly fair enough, after the meal, if they hang around, to say that we need to nap now, so it's time to go home. Tell this to the girl, when her mother can hear.

It may be easier hosting mother and daughter, rather than all those times that you've hosted only the daughter. She will be her mother's responsibilty, not yours.

Good luck. I'd go for it - at least once, to see how it is. If it's that bad, you don't have to do it again!

amother

Red

Thu, Mar 28 2019, 4:36 am

It is insulting to tell someone they will have to say good bye at 2 right when you extend an invitation. Not so nice. I also wouldn't reply with "my daughter invites you" since I agree she asked that way because she is embarrassed to ask for herself and by replying that way you are playing into that and treating her as less than. Just invite her, we'd love to have you both for the meal. Then once the meal is over and you have cleaned up, just yawn a couple of times and say it was lovely, we are all (including the kids) going to take a nap/rest. If she asks about her daughter staying just say nicely that your daughter won't be able to rest if her friend is over.

imasinger

Thu, Mar 28 2019, 7:13 am

amother wrote:

And when DD says, "no, I'm not tired, can't she stay, pleease?"

Having once been a divorcee, I can speak from experience; it's better to know the limits upfront. And to work within those limits rather than to risk losing term loss of acquaintances, friends, and support at a fragile time.

Last edited by imasinger on Thu, Mar 28 2019, 7:21 am; edited 1 time in total

Thu, Mar 28 2019, 7:39 am

There's nothing at all wrong with setting time limits on children's visits, especially if the visiting child tends to be a bit wild. Your daughter will probably appreciate it. It's totally normal to say "we would love to have her over for lunch and to play for a while afterwards. How about if you pick her up at 2:30?"

ShishKabob

Thu, Mar 28 2019, 7:45 am

OP, just because you're not divorced doesn't mean that you don't need your time as well and that you don't need extra help as well.
For once in a while it's ok to overextend yourself and it's very special of you. But don't take it as a pressure and don't feel guilty when you're too overwhelmed and just say, I'm too overwhelmed now.
Bhatzlocha