Should I force my 12 year old to come to therapy?

ra_mom

Fri, Mar 29 2019, 4:45 pm

amother wrote:

My 10 year old has been seeing a therapist for anger issues. He has problems with anger in general, but especially with one dd who is 12. The therapist wants her to come, and she is refusing. Should I force her? What should I do?

If the 10 year old is the patient, I don't see how the therapist can, not should she, force the patient's 12 year old sibling to come in.
Why isn't the therapist brainstorming to incentivize her, to figure out a way to make it worthwhile for the sibling to join?

amother

Jade

Fri, Mar 29 2019, 5:09 pm

Of course she can't force her. But there is a problem in their relationship and I want to fix it.The problem began because of ds's anger problem. He used to hurt her a lot when they were younger, and he still annoys her. It won't improve unless they're both willing to work on it. Yet she doesn't want to come.

amother

Blonde

Fri, Mar 29 2019, 5:43 pm

amother wrote:

You can't force the 12 year old to see a therapist especially not together or at the same time that the therapist is seeing the 10 year old so maybe she can see the therapist in her own session without the 10 year old there. Another issue is that the 10 year old is the client so the therapist could already be biased in his favor so that could cause problems so if you do want the 12 year old in therapy then get her a different one. But what is the 12 year old doing that is making the 10 year old angry? Why did he hurt her and why does he continue to annoy her?

studying_torah

Fri, Mar 29 2019, 5:49 pm

No don't force the 12 year old.
If I understood correctly, the 10 yr old is still bothering the 12 year old? If so, let him continue to work on that in therapy.
Maybe the 12 yr old will be more motivated once he sees the other child making more progress.
Or maybe not.

It cannot be easy to live with a sibling with anger issues.

amother

Jade

Sat, Mar 30 2019, 9:00 pm

My 10 year old has special needs. They won't go away so soon, but he has improved a ton. He used to hurt her a lot, but he hardly ever does anymore. However, he tends to yell a lot without realizing it. He is getting a lot of therapy, but the yelling is still a problem, as well as occasional hurting people.

She speaks to him in a derogatory way, always. That gets him angrier, so he yells at her. The therapist has been working with him on controlling his anger, but now she wants to help them learn to relate to each other in a positive way. I think that can only be done with both of them together.

The therapist has been hearing a lot about how she bothers him, but she is also well aware of his issues. I think it is possible she might blame dd, but not so likely.

I tried telling dd she can come try it, and she can always tell me if she's bothered by it and she can leave the room. We tried bribing her with pizza and ice cream. She still doesn't want to come.

I asked her if she wants their relationship to stay as it is forever, and she agreed that it has to change. But I think she's afraid it will be unpleasant and involve blaming her for part of the problem. Which isn't wrong, because she is part of the problem. But it is kind of wrong because he has hurt her so badly so many times in the past- mostly about 5 years ago.

amother

Ecru

Sat, Mar 30 2019, 11:35 pm

amother wrote:

I think she needs her own very special private therapist before she meets your son's therapist. after her own therapy it may not be necessary to see your son's therapist.
I don't mean to be mean but she has enough of her brother at home.

amother

Linen

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 6:00 am

amother wrote:

Which isn't wrong, because she is part of the problem. But it is kind of wrong because he has hurt her so badly so many times in the past- mostly about 5 years ago.

How can you say that first sentence, and then the second one? If she has been practically abused by him - as you have made it sound - that is something NO child should have to EVER go through, and you say she is “part of the problem?!” How is any of this her fault? I hope no one is even subtly trying to blame her for any of this?

amother

Jade

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 7:31 am

Everyone was abused by him when he was a toddler and until he was 6 years old or something. Everyone else realizes he has special needs and are able to treat him like a person. Only this dd still bears a grudge and treats him like dirt. I call that partly her fault, though mostly still his fault.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 8:05 am

while I understand why you sound like you want her to go I would not force her
I also can understand her!
if you want to get family therapy for everyone then perhaps consider hiring someone she might perceive as more "neutral"

a lot of factors come into play here, her history with him, her history with her perception and relationship with parents, and so on

she also needs to be validated to best move forward

she may see this as her, perhaps once again, sublimating her own feelings and needs in order to get him to behave and feel understandably resentful

she is not a "mini parent"

sometimes the child with the issues gets the lions share of parental attention in the perception of the other child/children -- unfortunately by saying everyone else has realized and treats him as a person and only she bears a grudge does show you resent her behavior, understandably as a parent but this isn't so helpful in getting her to move forward in a productive manner. Her behavior is a product of the history.

she is 12 this is a different and delicate age than your (younger?) children

I would respect her wishes and let her know that

While I understand your concerns you do sound blaming/resentful of her and it cannot be easy for her.

should you try to "force" her I think you will make the situation worse not better

hatzlocha

amother

Jade

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 11:24 pm

Update: I had a long talk with dd on Friday and told her to think about it over Shabbos. By today, she agreed to come along because we told her she was free to walk out and go to a relative down the block any time she felt uncomfortable. It turns out that she wanted to go to the relative.

Anyway, we went today and ds hurt her twice on the way there. Then the therapist asked them about their feelings and dd burst into tears and she cried for the whole hour. She asked to leave and go to the relative, but the relative wasn't home so she was stuck with us. She was obviously so hurt and so unable to express herself verbally. I feel terrible.

Now the therapist wants to see her separately on a regular basis besides for seeing ds. The therapist and I discussed how dd keeps her feelings bottled up inside and is never open to talking about them, and it has become a concern. But she refuses to ever go back. She says it was horrible because she hated being asked about her feelings.

So now am I supposed to let her keep her pain inside and not take care of it? Am I supposed to force her to go back? I can't imagine a different therapist would be better for her, because any good therapist will ask about her feelings. I think she will refuse to step foot in any therapists office from now on, but now I think it's urgent for her to see someone just to help her heal. What should I do now?

amother

Linen

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 11:44 pm

I am more concerned about the sustained hurting that is STILL occurring (!) than any questions regarding therapy/bottled up feelings. The hurting has to somehow STOP completely and your dd needs to be in a safe and secure environment/situation before any emotional healing can take place. As chinuch experts say - first comes physical wellbeing, then comes emotional, then can come
spiritual. I understand ds is your son too so it’s difficult to draw direct boundaries (like keeping him out of contact with dd), but IMO this is the first and main priority to somehow sort out! It sounds as if the therapy that you are currently undertaking is not cutting it/or is progressing too slowly.

amother

Jade

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 11:59 pm

Therapy can't do magic. Ds has special needs. He is on the spectrum. He is incapable of expressing himself verbally well enough to feel confident enough to do so. Therefore, he has a lot of pent up frustration and anger. No therapist can make him into something he isn't.

The therapist has discovered that a lot of his anger is coming from fear, and we are learning what he is afraid of. She is doing a good job. But although his aggression has decreased tremendously, it hasn't disappeared and nothing will make it disappear overnight. Each year it improves a lot, and we hope that soon it will go away. But that won't happen today or next week, no matter what we do.