Should I force my 12 year old to come to therapy?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 01 2019, 1:03 pm

studying_torah wrote:

Copper amother, that bothered me too.

Ora I think the issue is compounded by the fact that the brother was abusive to the older child in the past and this child hasn't gotten over that.
Either because her feelings were not dealt with , or because it was brushed off as he can't control himself, or because some ppl have a harder time letting go, or whatever other reason.
So while right now it's "just" hair pulling, it seems like in the past it was more serious.

Btw, OP- you said your dd eats in the dining room & you don't want to kick your son out. Well you might just have to until he can learn to control himself more.

I wonder if he experiences any real consequences for his behavior? Maybe he needs a bit of a tougher approach for a bit.
I don't know your son or his level of understanding, but sometimes kids just need to have a firmer no nonsense approach taken towards their behaviors. Especially when it hurts another person.

Agreed, 100%. Especially the last part.

Kids are smarter than people give them credit for. If he can throw a fit, and then be excused from consequences, he will learn fast that he has no need to regulate himself. Everyone around him will accommodate in order to make sure he doesn't have a meltdown.

The kid wins in the short run, but nobody wins in the long run. Everyone is a casualty. Please listen to the amother who grew up with an abusive sibling. She's telling you exactly what your DD's life is like right now.

thunderstorm

Mon, Apr 01 2019, 1:19 pm

amother wrote:

Its concerning to me that after DD left the therapy room to cry and refused to come back in, the therapist brought DS into the room where DD was.
This therapist is clearly not acting in DD best interest.
If you do get her to go to therapy then she should go to her own therapist

This. I had a very similar situation when I was around 11-12 with therapy. And that would have been the last straw if the therapist moved into the room where I was after I made it clear that I don't want to be there. I also bottled up all my feelings and emotions and my younger siblings that were always hurting me both physically and verbally blamed me in therapy for all their agression. They didn't like that I was "bossy" to them and that was their excuse for their (what I would call abusive ) behavior. The therapist completly validated them immediately and I felt completely blamed for a situation that was not in my control (I was filling the role of a mother at that age, something nobody should ever experience) . The therapist ask me to explain my behavior and reasoning for being "bossy" and told me that I was wrong and that I needed to stop... however it was too painful for me to explain my side of the story so I didn't answer and kept the pain bottled up. I left there feeling even worse and felt even more blamed than before.
It was absolutely awful! My mother sat there and heard it all , and never once stuck up for me.
I will never forget that as long as I live. It is becaue of this experience (it happened at two different therapists, similar situation) that I have never attempted therapy as an adult. Believe me I could use it. But I have developed such a fear of therapist and imagine that I'll just be blamed for my entire life of suffering and I can't face it.
OP, I feel so strongly for your daughter. But I also feel so terribly sorry for you. It must be so hard dealing with your SN child and you are doing everything to help your children and now you must feel like you failed your daughter in a way. I hope and pray that HaShem sends you the right shelichim and holds your hand throughout this difficult journey. This sounds like a really difficult and painful situation to be in.

thunderstorm

Mon, Apr 01 2019, 3:01 pm

studying_torah wrote:

I'm so sorry for what you went thru, thunderstorm!

I'm not the OP here, but I wonder what would help her older child? Would it just be the younger one being taken to task? Or more empathy?

I don't want to hijack this thread. I do think the OP is doing the best she can under these circumstances . My situation was different ,but for me as the older child suffering from agression from my younger siblings , it would have helped for me to receive a lot of positive attention and at least as much as my siblings received for their negative attention .
If I was talking to my mother , and my younger sister interrupted or shoved me physically to the side so that she could demand my mother's attention, my sister always got the attention and I was pushed to the wayside. And being the nature that I was I kept quiet and cried inside. I felt that I received a message that my sister was more worthy of a conversation. My mother years later tried to tell me that she felt that I didn't need the attention as much and they did since they were acting out because they were in pain and therefore needed her more. I was in just as much pain...I just didn't beat up my siblings or yell and scream and act crazy.

Miri7

Mon, Apr 01 2019, 5:35 pm

OP, I didn't get to read the whole thread, but I agree with others that your DD needs her OWN therapist. Not your DS's.
I might suggest a therapist who has different approaches for teens/tweens - maybe using art therapy at the start as a way to ease into a therapeutic relationship, so your DD doesn't feel as though she has to spill her heart out from the beginning?
I really feel for you all, this must be so hard as a mother, and for each of the kids. My heart goes out to you!