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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Please help me with the bickering, its out of control
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amother


 

Post Fri, Dec 14 2007, 2:37 am
I've been on imamother a long time and I don't post these type of posts, but this is something I just can't handle any longer.
my two youngest kids are bickering from morning to night, and I just can't tolerate it any longer.
I really need some good techniques how to deal with it. I just screamed my throat raw at them and totally went bananas. My husband gets frightened when I react that way, because I'm pregnant (so of course my tolerance level is way down) but I just lose my head when it happens and am at a total loss what to do.

PLEASE HELP!!! Crying Crying Crying
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su7kids




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 14 2007, 2:39 am
How old are they?
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grin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 14 2007, 2:40 am
unless it's pikuach nefesh - STAY OUT OF IT!!
let them handle it by themsleves - it's part of their fun of growing up, believe it or not.
If you get involved:
1 - you'll never hear the end of it and it will only get worse.
2 - they never learn how to handle it socially either
3 - they may actaully end up hating each other instead of working it out between themselves and loving the whole deal (playing and fighting, all mixed together.)
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amother


 

Post Fri, Dec 14 2007, 2:40 am
10 and 6 and a half
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amother


 

Post Fri, Dec 14 2007, 2:42 am
rg, it is pikuach nefesh! Its pikuach nefesh to ME. I'm serious, I simply can't handle it any more its driving me mad and its driving my older kid mad and my husband is the only that isn't home enough to feel it.
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su7kids




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 14 2007, 2:51 am
Amother, do you have a cd player, or a tape player?

Can you put on music, real loud, when they start so you don't have to listen?

I honestly think, at their age, they KNOW they are getting your goat, and sometimes that eggs them on to do it more.

Ignore ignore ignore.

Or send them to a bedroom to bicker. Make the 10 feet around Mommy an area of "No Bickering Zone"


What do they argue about? Anything in particular or just everything in general?
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grin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 14 2007, 2:55 am
goin your room, lock the door and make yourself busy. put on music so you can't hear them. maybe go out for a walk.
You must ignore them or it will GET WORSE!!
(pikuach nefesh is whehn they throw heavy things at each other - then you must get involved, separate them, and take away from both of them whatever they were fighting over.)
Never play judge - whoever fights, loses. and it always takes 2 to fight.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 6:58 pm
Ok (sigh) I'm going to give it a shot.
the problem is they try to bring the fight to me but I'll shoo them away and blast the music.
(then they try to compete with the noise though)
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MahPitom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 8:29 pm
Number one stay out of it. Number two if you can’t handle it because you are sensitive right now then you must separate from your kids, emergency (according to Atara Malach) until you can get help. The simplest way is to make sure that 1 kid is always traded with a neighbor or cousin even if it’s just for an hour or so. It will keep them happy and you won’t find that they fight as much. Hatzlocha.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 8:36 pm
Oh, I thought you meant the bickering on this site is getting out of control LOL LOL

When Su7 suggested getting a tape recorder, I thought she was going to suggest recording them bickering and playing it back to them so they know what they sound like.

Maybe they would be embarrassed to hear how silly their discussions are, and they would stop or at least reduce.

I would also say to the 10 year old privately, isn't it silly to bicker with a 6 year old? You're so much older....

Maybe they need more outside stimulation...maybe have friends over more often or go to their friends.

Are there children in between these two?

Unfortunately, I can't ignore bickering between my 4 year old and 15 months old because it might end in someone getting hurt. At least your kids are old enough that you can try to ignore them (I know it must be hard, though)
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:39 pm
Quote:
When Su7 suggested getting a tape recorder, I thought she was going to suggest recording them bickering and playing it back to them so they know what they sound like.


now theres and interesting idea 8)
I may actually try it.
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MahPitom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:40 pm
that encourages them to hate you.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:48 pm
you reckon?
I wouldn't want to do that obviously

why do you think that?
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MahPitom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:50 pm
picture yourself on the receiving end, and you'll understand. Treat your kids with respect and they will learn how to respect others.
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su7kids




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:52 pm
MahPitom wrote:
that encourages them to hate you.


What does?


Teaching your kids discipline does not require them to like you. And asking them to stop bickering also doesn't require them to like you.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:53 pm
mahpitom, what exactly are you refering to as encouraging them to hate me? are you talking about the recording?
whats disrespectful about them hearing themselves, what they sound like?
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happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:55 pm
HELP THEM work it out. TEACH THEM HOW to talk calmly. first and formost, do u talk calmly when something bothers you? kids learn from us how to act, so its good for us to try and act with each other how we want our kids to act...

next, why are they arguing all the time? whats bothering them?? are they jeakous of each other? (if yes, why, is one getting much more attention then the other??) are they going through a hard time and reacting to it?

I think finding out what the real problem is, and helping them deal with it, and learn how to communicate better with each other can be very helpful.

yelling or puninishgn them will only make them even more upset because they will feel not understood and feel they are being treated unfairly.


Quote:
whats disrespectful about them hearing themselves, what they sound like?


I just find that very mean. would you like it if someone recorded you having an argument with your husband to show u waht u sound like?? all it can accomplish is negative feelings towards you and it will NOT teach them anything.


Last edited by happymom on Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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MahPitom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:55 pm
it makes a fool of themselves. I dont agree with that.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 9:58 pm
amother wrote:
Quote:
When Su7 suggested getting a tape recorder, I thought she was going to suggest recording them bickering and playing it back to them so they know what they sound like.


now theres and interesting idea 8)
I may actually try it.


Mah Pitom's and happymom's point is well taken. I was concerned about it. But then again, my parents did this with us and it WORKED! (at least for a while)

I think it could be done as a last resort. It's like a dose of strong medicine that could have side effects...try with caution...


Last edited by mimivan on Sat, Dec 15 2007, 10:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 15 2007, 10:00 pm
quote]Teaching your kids discipline does not require them to like you. And asking them to stop bickering also doesn't require them to like you. [/quote]

if a mother is doing the right thing, and the kids have bad feelings at the moment because of it, agreed, thats not an issue. but when the mother is doing something totally unfair, or wrong, or not respectful to her children and to themselves as people, then yes it does matter. after all we all want to ahve good relationships with our kids (hopefully) and the way we treat them DOES affect this. if a mother doesnt treat her kids properly, they will be very resentful, and that relationship will be affected in a major way, so yes it does matter if they have upset feelings[/quote]
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