Good wedding gift for secular Israeli

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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

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amother

Babypink

Mon, Apr 01 2019, 4:43 pm

My secular Israeli cousin is getting married soon and I want to do something for her that will make up for the fact that we aren't coming in for the wedding. We are close as a family, and my aunt and uncle have made efforts to come in for our simchas (in chutz l'aretz), but for various reasons it won't work out for us to go.
Firstly, what is the norm for a secular wedding?
Secondly, she is from a well to do family, and our cash gift may be less appreciated than something more symbolic or meaningful (though I can't think what that would be).
Any ideas?
(I'd considered silver candlesticks, but not sure if that would be looked at as pushy seeing as I have no idea if she intends to light Shabbos candles. I also don't really know her taste...)

I'm stressing out over it because I feel like they may be hurt that we aren't coming.
Please help!

Teomima

Mon, Apr 01 2019, 5:06 pm

amother wrote:

Firstly, what is the norm for a secular wedding?
Secondly, she is from a well to do family, and our cash gift may be less appreciated than something more symbolic or meaningful (though I can't think what that would be).
Any ideas?
(I'd considered silver candlesticks, but not sure if that would be looked at as pushy seeing as I have no idea if she intends to light Shabbos candles. I also don't really know her taste...)

I'm stressing out over it because I feel like they may be hurt that we aren't coming.
Please help!

Cash. At secular weddings the usual gift is cash.
But if you're going in another direction, I wouldn't get anything religious like candlesticks. That might come across as offensive or judgmental.
One thing that is okay to do however is to ask them if there's anything specific they want. Perhaps they'd like a new appliance, or Egyptian cotton sheets, etc. But since secular couples aren't usually setting up their home the way religious couples are, the gift of choice really is cash.

Oh, one nice gift we got for our wedding, that could work for any couple, were two really, really nice bottles of wine. One was set to mature in a year, the other in two, so for our first two anniversaries we had these wedding gifts to enjoy and share with family.

Raisin

Mon, Apr 01 2019, 5:17 pm

The wine would be totally wasted on me. Not everyone appreciates fine wine.

They might appreciate a household appliance from the USA like a kitchenaid or similar if either of them like cooking or baking. (lots of the secular israelis I know love to bake!) Or maybe a coffee machine with a supply of pods? Can you ask your aunt?

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 3:46 am

What is the norm at a secular israeli wedding? Money. Thats all, Money gifts are whats the norm. I dont think it will matter if that amount is less than they might expect. Its the actual money that is the expected gift. Go for that. Its the easiest as well.

amother

Blush

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 5:39 am

Gifts are more personal than cash and show that you put thought into them. How about a birkat habayit?

essie14

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 6:15 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Yup. Money is the norm. That’s what I give at the secular weddings I have attended.
Unless I was very close with either person and knew they wanted something very specific.
Don’t send anything electronic from the US. it won’t work here.
There was one secular wedding I attended where the couple was setting up their first home (they had not lived together before the wedding) and I knew she would appreciate a beautiful salad bowl with matching serving pieces.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 8:52 am

Something from Judaicut. Stunning paper cut artwork. Google “judaicut” for pics, although in their actual store the selection is much better.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 9:06 am

I would not buy art, definitely not Judaic art.
No birkat habayit either, as someone suggested.
Everyone has different tastes, and most Israelis tend to minimalist/modern. She probably wont hang up the artwork.

Either cash, or a general gift that doesnt depend so much on taste (kitchenware/towels/sheets are used even if they arent the precise same style the homeowner usually likes. It's not like artwork).
On second thought, stay away from linen, it's too personal, and they will only have one bed, so you need to take that into account.

Israeli_C

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 9:21 am

DH is a baal tshuva and lots of his secular friends have been getting married recently. He gives cash plus a really nice, readable book about Jewish marriage. We have them stocked up at home for every newly married couple we meet!

amother

Pewter

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 9:26 am

I like the coffee machine idea if u don’t wanna do cash

CatLady

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 9:48 am

Do they have a wedding registry? Choose something from there, if they're registered. If not, cash.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 10:12 am

Israeli_C wrote:

A book about Jewish marriage, if it's religious, can be seen as very pushy kiruv.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 10:31 am

amother wrote:

Gifts are more personal than cash and show that you put thought into them. How about a birkat habayit?

In Israel money is not seen that way. It is THE gift of choice.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 10:33 am

Israeli_C wrote:

oohh, I would not give such a gift. To me that would seem very pushy and I am 100% sure it would either be thrown to the back of a closet or thrown away (and yes, people do throw books away, Ive done it too)

Israeli_C

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 11:03 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Meh, what they choose to do with it is their business.
We're chabad, and don't make a secret of it. These non-religious friends also get invites to our sukkah, free shmura matzot, and all kinds of booklets about the chagim and nice presents (Kfar Chabad make gift sets) throughout the year. It's our way of showing we care about them. They're always grateful and many of them even leaf though the booklets (while eating the honey for RH or the mini cake and chocolates in our recent 'mishlochei manot for mivtzoim.')
One friend read a few chapters of the book we gave him for his wedding already - and we're talking about a Russian guy who doesn't put his nose inside a beit knesset all year. Gotta give people the benefit of the doubt.
Weddings are about more than throwing a wad of money at a couple. It's our responsibility to fellow Jews to allow them an opportunity to learn more about the sanctity of Jewish marriage.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Apr 03 2019, 11:09 am

amother wrote:

I like the coffee machine idea if u don’t wanna do cash

It's a great idea, but you need to make sure they dont have one already.
And that it's Israeli electricity.

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