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amother




Babyblue


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:36 pm
We are a Yeshivesh family renting a house with a few of my husbands siblings and their spouses. My husband has one single brother in Yeshiva. One of my sisters in law wants to bring along her single sister, she’s more modern and same age as (very Yeshivesh) brother in law. I’m very uncomfortable with the arrangement. We are going to be in close quarters, it’s a long yom tov, lots of wine etc. I think it’s going to be weird for my husband and brother-in-law. The worst part is that none of us are being asked, and we just sort of ‘found’ out. Does the girl have another place to go? I don’t know and I do feel bad but I really wish this wasn’t dumped on us. I already put plenty of effort into the arrangements and am feeling so resentful. Dh tried to speak with brother but I don’t think he feels as strongly about it as I do and nothing came out of it. Thanks for taking the time to read!
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:40 pm
You need to explain to your sister in law that it doesn't make sense for her to bring her sister becsuse it's the other side of the family and everyone will feel uncomfortable. I can't imagine the sister being comfortable spending yom tov with non family.
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:43 pm
I think the question is what your BIL should do, not what you should do. He should make a decision about whether he is comfortable with this, and if not, make other arrangements.
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:45 pm
Chayalle wrote:
I think the question is what your BIL should do, not what you should do. He should make a decision about whether he is comfortable with this, and if not, make other arrangements.


This. And I’m confused why your husband will be uncomfortable.
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Sebastian




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:46 pm
Chayalle wrote:
I think the question is what your BIL should do, not what you should do. He should make a decision about whether he is comfortable with this, and if not, make other arrangements.


why? it sounds like a bunch of her dh's siblings are renting a house together to be together for YT. Her bil is a sibling, sil's sister is not. I think it's rude to bring along an uninvited guest without consulting with the others.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:46 pm
Can someone explain to me what the problem is with having an extra girl? Will it throw off the seating arrangement? Are there not enough bedrooms?

If it's a practical situation that cannot be resolved, that's one thing. If you just think it will be awkward, that's another.

At the beginning of the seder, we invite all who have no where to go, come and eat with us. Seems a bit hypocritical to leave the girl out - unless there is something I'm overlooking.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:47 pm
Chayalla, why should the single brother n law have to make this decision??? There will be a bunch of men not related to the girl that will be uncomfortable with a non relative female around. It's awkward for everyone. It just doesn't make sense for the girl to go.
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causemommysaid




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:49 pm
Why in the world do u care? Let ur bil set his own boundaries. Not ur problem.

Unless there is another reason u dont want her there?
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causemommysaid




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 7:52 pm
amother wrote:
Chayalla, why should the single brother n law have to make this decision??? There will be a bunch of men not related to the girl that will be uncomfortable with a non relative female around. It's awkward for everyone. It just doesn't make sense for the girl to go.


I dont get it. Is this about the married men not being comfortable, the single bil, or the fact that she's not family? It sounded like the only issue was the bil in which case he doesnt have to talk to her or sit next to her or anything.
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amother




Babyblue


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:00 pm
Here’s the reason why I started off saying we are Yeshivesh. It’s uncomfortable in our situation . My single bil (whom we are very close to and would be sorely missed) shouldn’t have to make his own arrangements. I know it’s THE mitzva to have guests and we always do. It’s different when it’s for the whole yom tov and will make many people uncomfortable/unable to enjoy time with their family. The family members are important too. I care because I’m uncomfortable with her being around my husband for that long and probably intoxicated. I’m also sensitive and don’t think it’s right for my brother in law.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:04 pm
Why is anyone getting intoxicated on Pesach? That's a bigger problem .
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causemommysaid




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:08 pm
amother wrote:
Here’s the reason why I started off saying we are Yeshivesh. It’s uncomfortable in our situation . My single bil (whom we are very close to and would be sorely missed) shouldn’t have to make his own arrangements. I know it’s THE mitzva to have guests and we always do. It’s different when it’s for the whole yom tov and will make many people uncomfortable/unable to enjoy time with their family. The family members are important too. I care because I’m uncomfortable with her being around my husband for that long and probably intoxicated. I’m also sensitive and don’t think it’s right for my brother in law.


Why is everyone intoxicated all pesach?

I think the bil thing is a non issue. He really doesnt have to have anything to do with her.

If it's about the whole family being uncomfortable which is valid since she's not family, have ur husband and his siblings tell his brother that his wife's sister cant come or she can only come for the last days. Does she have somewhere else to go?
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:11 pm
amother wrote:
Here’s the reason why I started off saying we are Yeshivesh. It’s uncomfortable in our situation . My single bil (whom we are very close to and would be sorely missed) shouldn’t have to make his own arrangements. I know it’s THE mitzva to have guests and we always do. It’s different when it’s for the whole yom tov and will make many people uncomfortable/unable to enjoy time with their family. The family members are important too. I care because I’m uncomfortable with her being around my husband for that long and probably intoxicated. I’m also sensitive and don’t think it’s right for my brother in law.


Trust me, I doubt she wants to speak to your husband. Just because shes single does not mean she's going to pounce on any guy there. And most yeshivish guys are rude anyway "in the name of hashkafa" and would ignore her the whole time so why are you concerned your husband would talk to her? I am sure she is just as uncomfortable spending YT with non family.

I am a little confused about what's bothering you in terms of your husband being around her. I consider myself Yeshivish, and my DH is learning. But I do hear you in regards to your single BIL. It does sound pretty uncomfortable. But if youre uncomfortable with your husband being around her, could she and her sister sit at the other side of the table? How does her SIL feel about your feelings? Have you spoken to her?
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amother




Mauve


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:12 pm
I think you are being very cold and not so nice. maybe she has no where else to go or is "down" and needs family time or whatever. why should it bother you so terribly? seriously. are you threatened that your husband will play board games over beer with her? u need to chill, in my opinion. and im sure your sister in law would be hurt if your family told her sister to get lost. its very not nice
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amother




cornflower


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:16 pm
I understand OP as a family if they wanna hang out in the living room. in yeshivish crowds it’s not with non family members also it looses a certain comfortability.
The thing is also if this was a family going together how can one sister in law invite her own sister withoutneveryone agreeing.
I would just say I’m not going and make more convenient arranges for me
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:16 pm
notshanarishona wrote:
Why is anyone getting intoxicated on Pesach? That's a bigger problem .


Why does she feel the men can't be trusted around a single woman, even with all the other family around at all times? IMHO, the insecurity is a much bigger issue.

Either the men in the family turn into raving animals after a glass of wine or two - or they are perfect gentlemen and nothing is going to happen. Unless you think that a glass of wine is going to turn this girl into a brazen hussy. If you think that is the girl's character, then she's better off eating somewhere else.

I'm touchy about this, because I've been that "single *divorced!* girl", and I've had plenty of wine at dinners, and I have never even so much as looked at another man at the table. I've also never had any men get inappropriate with me.

If find all of this "what if THIS happens" speculating to be very hurtful. Aren't we supposed to judge each other favorably?
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sarahmalka




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:21 pm
Have you straight out asked your single BIL if he would be uncomfortable with a single girl there? I hear that you're concerned about your own spouse being around her too... is there something in particular about this girl aside from the fact that she's "modern?" Being "modern" myself I am not sure what you're nervous about: you think she's going to get drunk? Flirt? Or is her just talking to the men problematic enough in your circles? If you don't know this girl, it's really odd that you are making these assumptions about her. Being modern does not make somebody a drunken flirt. I do agree with you that having her stay in the same house overnight for several nights would be tough. I would find that hard to share close quarters like that, but for just meals, I don't see the problem.
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amother




Oak


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:21 pm
Realistically, op, what do you think is going to happen if she's there? Don't be vague, give an honest, clear description of something you think is likely to happen.
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:33 pm
Ouch. No advice but I do agree that's not an ideal situation at all. Seems like many posters here don't share your hashkafa but I would be very very upset to be in your shoes.
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trixx




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 01 2019, 8:33 pm
Am I the only person understanding op?

There is a house full of related men.

A non related, single female has been invited along without anyone's consent.

Even if there is adequate sleeping arrangements, this is very uncomfortable for the duration of yom Tov, during which families want to be together, hang out, let loose etc.

Nothing to do with getting drunk. In circles where genders do not socially mix, this isn't exactly normal, and no op's family does not have to be the trendsetters here to buck that.

And btw this would still be socially off if the single female was a married male or a single male or anyone other than immediate family. Not sure why they would want to join, either.

I'm not sure what role you play here and if you can even say or do anything. If someone else is doing the arrangements/hosting/renting, op might have to just suck it up.
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