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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 3:27 pm
amother wrote:
OP actually hasn't been here in some time. We are all going around in circles all by ourselves.


I'm just here waiting for Squishy to explain about the forced shidduchim.
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amother




Burlywood


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 3:29 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
I'm just here waiting for Squishy to explain about the forced shidduchim.


Understood! Very Happy
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naturalmom5




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 3:36 pm
amother wrote:
We are a Yeshivesh family renting a house with a few of my husbands siblings and their spouses. My husband has one single brother in Yeshiva. One of my sisters in law wants to bring along her single sister, she’s more modern and same age as (very Yeshivesh) brother in law. I’m very uncomfortable with the arrangement. We are going to be in close quarters, it’s a long yom tov, lots of wine etc. I think it’s going to be weird for my husband and brother-in-law. The worst part is that none of us are being asked, and we just sort of ‘found’ out. Does the girl have another place to go? I don’t know and I do feel bad but I really wish this wasn’t dumped on us. I already put plenty of effort into the arrangements and am feeling so resentful. Dh tried to speak with brother but I don’t think he feels as strongly about it as I do and nothing came out of it. Thanks for taking the time to read!


Like usual, ImaMother is a trip.

Like usual it seems very religious (sic) people manage to take making banana bread, buying matzo, looking for the right bra, hosting for yom tov etc... as the perfect opportunity to be as meeyus and repulsive as possible.
If I wasn't stuck in my apt and job for financial reasons I would RUN not walk back to the conservative shul I went to as a little girl....
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 3:39 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
I'm just here waiting for Squishy to explain about the forced shidduchim.


I'm thinking maybe she meant the parents were forced to do the shidduch? The boy and girl met at such a scenario in this post and liked each other. They wanted to proceed with dating and marriage. But the parents would have never really agreed to this match, but now their hands are being forced.

I know, it's awful if a boy and girl make this decision all by themselves Can't Believe It
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amother




Babyblue


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 3:54 pm
Hi it’s op, I just read through your responses. This has been an interesting experience - it’s my first time asking real advice after being on here for a long while. Definitely not for the faint of heart or unconfident! I have a wonderful relationship with my family members, and husband (gasp!) Smile bH. I love to host. Thank you for your input: helpful, judgemental or humorous. I know you’d probably like to know what I did/plan on doing but that’s going to have to remain confidential because I started getting a feeling sil may just be here. I speak to dear sil now: if you are on here, please consider the confusion and hurt feelings you may have caused by hiding info... it could have all been avoided.

Imas, Looking forward to the s/o of flourless seder cocaine or forced marriages and divorce rates.

Speak to you later!
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Aylat




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 3:56 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
I'm just here waiting for Squishy to explain about the forced shidduchim.


I thought she meant a shotgun marriage, but I'm thinking not from her next posts.
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Aylat




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 3:57 pm
amother wrote:
Hi it’s op, I just read through your responses. This has been an interesting experience - it’s my first time asking real advice after being on here for a long while. Definitely not for the faint of heart or unconfident! I have a wonderful relationship with my family members, and husband (gasp!) Smile bH. I love to host. Thank you for your input: helpful, judgemental or humorous. I know you’d probably like to know what I did/plan on doing but that’s going to have to remain confidential because I started getting a feeling sil may just be here. I speak to dear sil now: if you are on here, please consider the confusion and hurt feelings you may have caused by hiding info... it could have all been avoided.

Imas, Looking forward to the s/o of flourless seder cocaine or forced marriages and divorce rates.

Speak to you later!


Good luck and enjoy yom tov!
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:00 pm
amother wrote:
Hi it’s op, I just read through your responses. This has been an interesting experience - it’s my first time asking real advice after being on here for a long while. Definitely not for the faint of heart or unconfident! I have a wonderful relationship with my family members, and husband (gasp!) Smile bH. I love to host. Thank you for your input: helpful, judgemental or humorous. I know you’d probably like to know what I did/plan on doing but that’s going to have to remain confidential because I started getting a feeling sil may just be here. I speak to dear sil now: if you are on here, please consider the confusion and hurt feelings you may have caused by hiding info... it could have all been avoided.

Imas, Looking forward to the s/o of flourless seder cocaine or forced marriages and divorce rates.

Speak to you later!


Hey, I'm definitely not your SIL, cause I'm staying put in my own comfy house. I can't help myself (sorry!) so I have to ask - don't you see your post as a perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black?

Plenty of us here having been asking you multiple times what info you have been hiding and now you call out your SIL for hiding information? (I know this thread has no consequences, and your real life situation does, but I just find it very amusing for you to be calling her out on this on this very thread.)

Regardless, hope you have a wonderful YT and everything works out well.
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:06 pm
strange that under the guise of tolerance and kindness (?) some people are bashing on Op...hidden info?!
Op asked for advice given her feelings and given her situation. not whether she should feel that way. or anything else. she did not ask for a consensus vote.
Op asked for advice given a situation many, if not all of us, can relate to.
Hashkafically, sensitivy wise, relationship level, many levels.
sorry that some people are so in their box that they cannot think someone else might have a different hashkafa or reaction. And that if they do some might jump to bashing or accusations. instead of just saying cannot relate or staying quiet.
glad I cannot relate to that
obviously theres a spectrum of frum women on here and one would hope we are striving for mutual tolerance if not ahavas yisroel

hatzlocha op
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zaq




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:15 pm
amother wrote:
Hey, I'm definitely not your SIL, cause I'm staying put in my own comfy house. I can't help myself (sorry!) so I have to ask - don't you see your post as a perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black?

Plenty of us here having been asking you multiple times what info you have been hiding and now you call out your SIL for hiding information? (I know this thread has no consequences, and your real life situation does, but I just find it very amusing for you to be calling her out on this on this very thread.)

.


Not the same thing at all. OP left out details for purposes of confidentiality, as is her right and as is wise, even if she does end up with some responses that are totally irrelevant because of incorrect assumptions on the part of the responders. That's her problem, not yours.

What her sil did is not called "hiding information". She hasn't brought her sister to this family gathering unannounced. OP said her sil "wants to" bring her sister, which implies that she asked first. What information did she hide? That her sister is also bringing her boyfriend and planning to share a room with him? That her sister is really only a half sister born of a different mother, is halachickly a nonJew and therefore all the wine must be mevushal? That her sister is unvaccinated and has visited Rockland County in recent weeks?
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:21 pm
ill play:

the hidden info is that SIL and her DH are planning on bringing SILs sis without mentioning that to the other family members coming and who agreed to come based on a different scenario

the only reason Op knows is because she is making the arrangements

So yes its a surprise if someone new is coming

would really be a bigger surprise if everyone is bringing guests along and not bothering to mention to Op who is making the arrangements or anyone else
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zaq




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:24 pm
amother wrote:
No worries I’m pregnant. No wine Wink the men can handle it but don’t think everyone can, from previous experiences..


Then the problem is the men in your family, not the young lady whom you smeared by stating earlier that SHE might get drunk.
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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:27 pm
zaq wrote:
What information did she hide? That her sister is also bringing her boyfriend and planning to share a room with him? That her sister is really only a half sister born of a different mother, is halachickly a nonJew and therefore all the wine must be mevushal?


I initially misread this as halachically a NINJA and THAT is a Netflix series that needs to happen.
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iyar




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:32 pm
naturalmom5 wrote:
Like usual, ImaMother is a trip.

Like usual it seems very religious (sic) people manage to take making banana bread, buying matzo, looking for the right bra, hosting for yom tov etc... as the perfect opportunity to be as meeyus and repulsive as possible.
If I wasn't stuck in my apt and job for financial reasons I would RUN not walk back to the conservative shul I went to as a little girl....


I have to admit I clicked on the last page of this thread, instead of the first. So I'm not here to offer anyone any brilliant advice or insightful suggestions. I just want to say, I'm just coming from agreeing with Sequoia on the bullying thread that imamother is a friendly community.
I stand corrected. I guess not always. I'm a little confused by the story here, but I have to ask naturalmom5- Rough day today? Meeyus and repulsive? A bit much, no?
Did you learn these lovely manners in the shul you miss?
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simba




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:35 pm
naturalmom5 wrote:
Like usual, ImaMother is a trip.

Like usual it seems very religious (sic) people manage to take making banana bread, buying matzo, looking for the right bra, hosting for yom tov etc... as the perfect opportunity to be as meeyus and repulsive as possible.
If I wasn't stuck in my apt and job for financial reasons I would RUN not walk back to the conservative shul I went to as a little girl....


At wits end
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SixOfWands




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 4:43 pm
zaq wrote:
Not the same thing at all. OP left out details for purposes of confidentiality, as is her right and as is wise, even if she does end up with some responses that are totally irrelevant because of incorrect assumptions on the part of the responders. That's her problem, not yours.

What her sil did is not called "hiding information". She hasn't brought her sister to this family gathering unannounced. OP said her sil "wants to" bring her sister, which implies that she asked first. What information did she hide? That her sister is also bringing her boyfriend and planning to share a room with him? That her sister is really only a half sister born of a different mother, is halachickly a nonJew and therefore all the wine must be mevushal? That her sister is unvaccinated and has visited Rockland County in recent weeks?


Here's what has me confused.

When asked about whether she spoke to her sisters in law about the situation, OP wrote:

Quote:
No. I want to but don’t know if it’ll be useful and might just be lashon hora.


A page later, however, she said

Quote:
I know other siblings are uncomfortable with it. They’ve said so, however I don’t know if there is anything to do about it.

So I do feel like there's some huge information gap.

Oddly, I'm as modern as they come, but I "get" OP's point. Not about the BIL being uncomfortable, but about not having planned to have an extra adult, and that person not really being part of the family.

OTOH, I get the SIL. The sister is HER family. And as I said, unless one piece that the OP left out is that this rental is on the beach on the Riviera, I can't imagine that this isn't a last ditch plan for the sister.

Sometimes, everyone is wrong. And right.

OP, here's my take. Call your SIL and ask her what the plans are for her sister. Where will she be sleeping, given the limited room availability. Is she going to be contributing to the costs. You don't have to be confrontational. But these are things best worked out before you arrive.
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 5:04 pm
amother wrote:
Sorry I didn’t have a chance to respond to everyone. I know she doesn’t want to be at her home and I do feel bad for her but I don’t believe this is her only option. I think she can go to her friends but I don’t know because we were not consulted. I don’t want to approach sil if there’s nothing I can do to change the situation. I’m mad and hurt Sad I put work into this plus a lot more work and traveling with kids coming up but I don’t know how I can convince myself to look forward to yom tov, where as before I really was excited.

Can I speak to other sister in law to try and plan? Or will that just backfire and turn into gossip. I wish dh would feel the same way I do...

ETA: thank you for your responses. I’m starting to feel more thought out on the topic.


.


Last edited by DVOM on Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Khaki


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 5:20 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
And I'm pretty sure that unmarried people slept over at other people's houses all the time even then!


Did you not watch Downton Abbey? Weren't Mary's shidduch chances almost ruined by unseemly goings on? (iirc the first or second episode)
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naturalmom5




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 5:27 pm
DVOM wrote:
Hi everyone!

I just finished reading this whole sorry saga, and I keep on coming back to this post. I’m reminded of a recent situation we had with one of my kids. His friends came over Shabbos afternoon. They were happily playing. Another kid came over, not as close a friend and wanted to join. My son was not happy about it. He would not have as much fun, he said, because this kid was not one of his besties. We retreated to the bathroom for a quick mommy-and-me pow-wow. Come one kid! I encouraged, you can do it! You’ll see, you can have fun all together and get a mitzva too. And my 7-year-old was able to welcome this uninvited guest.

Let’s put aside the religious/spiritual/cultural question involved here. After reading this whole thing through, it really does seem like a bit note. OP's husband and brother in law do not seem distressed about sharing a house and holiday with their sister in law's sister. After all, they will be spending the chag in one cozy house with plenty of other women they are not blood relatives with.

OP seems most bothered by the fact that her sister in law invited a plus one on the family vacation without consulting her. Perhaps sister in law assumed (quite erroneously, as it happens!) that you would be kind and welcoming to another extended family member who needs a place for yom tov. Perhaps she did not think this was such a big deal and didn’t see the need to consult with you. Perhaps she knows the fuller story of why her sister can’t be home, cant be by a friend, and knowing that you would make a big whooping deal about it made an executive decision and extended the invitation without telling you. Perhaps your sister in law is socially awkward and is generally an annoying person who has poor decision-making skills. Who knows?

Your title question was ‘what should I do’. At this point OP, you’re stuck. You don’t want to call a Rabbi. You don’t want to call your sister in law and hash it out with her. Your husband doesn’t think this is such a big deal. You don’t want to involve your brother in law.

You can choose to be really hurt and sad about this. You can choose to find it hard to even look forward to your yomtov/vacation. You can choose to have no fun at all, all vacation long, because another guest was invited without consulting you first. Or, you can choose to rise above it. You never know, you might just make a new friend and have an even better time than before.


Exactly
Kudos DVOM.

This is the best post on this thread
Possibly on ImaMother all week
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Squishy




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 5:51 pm
amother wrote:
Creating a Shidduch between the Yeshivish Brother-in-law and his Brother's wife's "modern" sister is nobody's intention.

If the genders aren't mixing. The genders aren't mixing. Wives in the living room - men in the dinning room.

The 21 year old man will be in close proximity with his brother's wives - I bet they are also reasonably close to his age.

(I also hope for your children that they aren't in a situation where they go away for a week and find themselves forced into marriage.)


As I said in my post, a couple of posters already mentioned a possible shidduch with them. They are another "couple" in this situation. Since they are both 21, there could be an attraction there. It is unlikely that they won't mix somewhat both lodging a week under the same roof.

I wouldn't force my children to get married. It's not my way. But it seems to be the solution when young people have their s-xuality awoken. They marry them off fast.
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