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33055




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 5:58 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
What on earth are forced shidduchim?!?!
Did these singles sleep over at someone's house for yom tov at the same time and ended up betrothed?
I'm screaming LOL


One teenager got knocked up. I don't know where this happened. It could be they both spent yontiff together at someone's house. Another one met a guy in a relative's empty apartment when she was 16. She was married off quick. Another one started having relations with her friend's brother. The last one was generally wild.

I thought of one more. They also were teenagers who had relations. They were were neighbors. All were from RW communities.

Keep screaming. RW teens have hormones, too.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 5:59 pm
Squishy wrote:
As I said in my post, a couple of posters already mentioned a possible shidduch with them. They are another "couple" in this situation. Since they are both 21, there could be an attraction there. It is unlikely that they won't mix somewhat both lodging a week under the same roof.

I wouldn't force my children to get married. It's not my way. But it seems to be the solution when young people have their s-xuality awoken. They marry them off fast.


The other posters aren't invited to make a shidduch at the cottage.

But I got it now. SIL is inviting her sister with the intention of introducing her to single brother (how fun! sisters marrying brothers!). She's 21 years old after-all. Single brother will be trapped - forced to talk to her - and after a week in close quarters - nothing left to do but get engaged, because - 21.
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33055




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:00 pm
sequoia wrote:
Forced shidduchim? Is that a thing?


There's a lot of pressure and expectations to get married. I don't see that many of the really sheltered ones have a real choice. They were brought up to get married.
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33055




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:01 pm
amother wrote:
The other posters aren't invited to make a shidduch at the cottage.

But I got it now. SIL is inviting her sister with the intention of introducing her to single brother (how fun! sisters marrying brothers!). She's 21 years old after-all. Single brother will be trapped - forced to talk to her - and after a week in close quarters - nothing left to do but get engaged, because - 21.


You're an idiot.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:02 pm
Squishy wrote:
You're an idiot.


Totally.
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naturalmom5




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:05 pm
DVOM wrote:
Hi everyone!

I just finished reading this whole sorry saga, and I keep on coming back to this post. I’m reminded of a recent situation we had with one of my kids. His friends came over Shabbos afternoon. They were happily playing. Another kid came over, not as close a friend and wanted to join. My son was not happy about it. He would not have as much fun, he said, because this kid was not one of his besties. We retreated to the bathroom for a quick mommy-and-me pow-wow. Come one kid! I encouraged, you can do it! You’ll see, you can have fun all together and get a mitzva too. And my 7-year-old was able to welcome this uninvited guest.

Let’s put aside the religious/spiritual/cultural question involved here. After reading this whole thing through, it really does seem like a bit note. OP's husband and brother in law do not seem distressed about sharing a house and holiday with their sister in law's sister. After all, they will be spending the chag in one cozy house with plenty of other women they are not blood relatives with.

OP seems most bothered by the fact that her sister in law invited a plus one on the family vacation without consulting her. Perhaps sister in law assumed (quite erroneously, as it happens!) that you would be kind and welcoming to another extended family member who needs a place for yom tov. Perhaps she did not think this was such a big deal and didn’t see the need to consult with you. Perhaps she knows the fuller story of why her sister can’t be home, cant be by a friend, and knowing that you would make a big whooping deal about it made an executive decision and extended the invitation without telling you. Perhaps your sister in law is socially awkward and is generally an annoying person who has poor decision-making skills. Who knows?

Your title question was ‘what should I do’. At this point OP, you’re stuck. You don’t want to call a Rabbi. You don’t want to call your sister in law and hash it out with her. Your husband doesn’t think this is such a big deal. You don’t want to involve your brother in law.

You can choose to be really hurt and sad about this. You can choose to find it hard to even look forward to your yomtov/vacation. You can choose to have no fun at all, all vacation long, because another guest was invited without consulting you first. Or, you can choose to rise above it. You never know, you might just make a new friend and have an even better time than before.


Exactly
Kudos DVOM.

This is the best post on this thread
Possibly on ImaMother all week
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33055




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:07 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
I think what is bothering most of the posters is that she is not making sense.
Anyone who posts a thread with a question and omits relevant details is going to get unflattering and unhelpful responses.
I agree that SIL who invited sister without asking was extremely wrong.
And I also agree that OP did nothing wrong.
However, why not just say, I make all this effort to plan this vacation, SIL is inviting someone who will be very out of place in our group without permission, and there is absolutely no space for her to sleep? That would make sense!
Instead OP refuses to ask DH, BIL, or SIL to handle it, refuses to ask a Rav, and is casting unfair aspersions on this single girl and is wracked by irrational fears about her husband.
As they say, **** or get off the pot!
Either tell us why you really don't want her there or stop making up excuse after excuse!


You are being obnoxious.

Who are you to attack OP that way? Anyone could see realize if a house is rented for X number of couples plus one single, then an unplanned guest throws off the logistics. People don't generally rent houses with extra bedrooms.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:07 pm
Squishy wrote:
You're an idiot.


On another thread, someone wrote:

Quote:
All of us should call it out when we see bullying without provocation.


Oh, wait. That was YOU. Calling out "bullying" on one thread, calling people idiots on another. But I am following your sage advice and calling you out.

Anonymously. Bullies scare me.
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Sebastian




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:07 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
Oddly, I'm as modern as they come, but I "get" OP's point. Not about the BIL being uncomfortable, but about not having planned to have an extra adult, and that person not really being part of the family.


Exactly this is the issue. If everyone is chipping in $$ to spend YT together as a family, it's really really rude to bring along a non family member without asking the others first.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:17 pm
amother wrote:
Oh, wait. That was YOU. Calling out "bullying" on one thread, calling people idiots on another. But I am following your sage advice and calling you out.

Anonymously. Bullies scare me.


Oh its fine - I provoked her.
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33055




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:36 pm
amother wrote:
Oh, wait. That was YOU. Calling out "bullying" on one thread, calling people idiots on another. But I am following your sage advice and calling you out.

Anonymously. Bullies scare me.


Re-read the thread. It's amothers like you who think it is ok to call attack people anonymously who should have their posting privileges taken away. The people attacking OP unprovoked sound like a bunch of nasty school girls.

The idiotic amother was provoking me with her obnoxious dumb posts.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:48 pm
Squishy wrote:
Re-read the thread. It's amothers like you who think it is ok to call attack people anonymously who should have their posting privileges taken away. The people attacking OP unprovoked sound like a bunch of nasty school girls.

The idiotic amother was provoking me with her obnoxious dumb posts.


So, calling someone idiotic, and her post obnoxious and dumb, is the type of polite discourse that you advocate.

I quiver to think of what your bullying is.
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:49 pm
Probably time to leave this thread which has gone way off the rails
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yksraya




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 6:56 pm
I haven't read all posts, too many pages.

I'm just trying to understand how a little inconvenience of having another girl join the y"t suddenly turned into "girl marrying Bil".

Too many assumptions here.
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sky




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 7:00 pm
solo wrote:
Concerns? Or excuses?
Cuz to me none of these sound like a reason to make someone feel unwanted


I don’t get this. We should make ourselves uncomfortable for others always? To what extent? I have to myself uncomfortable so someone else can have a good time?
We don’t even know girls situation. This may be a get out of helping at home trip.

If someon was posting how their mil invited themselves over for yom tov and it made dil uncomfortable I think the responses would be very different.
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amother




Azure
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 7:00 pm
amother wrote:
As a BT, when I was single I felt like that awkward unwanted female guest mamy times until I found an incredible family who "took me in". Obviously I was the bomb walking in, why else would I have to call 10 families to get a "yes" for a YT seuda? My first Pesach in NY I had nowhere to go, so I worked as a babysitter in a hotel. I won't begin to share those horrors here.

OP should think long and hard about, what if the single sister has no other good options. Is her presence going to be that awful for you?

I think the men need to chat amongst themselves anyways. Honestly, in my circles it isn't acceptable to "let loose" or chat up your married SIL either. So I guess what real difference does it make?


Also, with all those men there, surely there is a chance that one might have a friend who may be interested in dating your guest. I am not including your BIL in this scenario, but sure why not him too. Then you might be part of a Shidduch! Please don’t say she is far too modern for that to happen. Several marriages with divergent Hashkafas have worked despite them not looking good on paper. Imagine how amazing you would feel if your Seder precipitated a Shidduch!
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 7:05 pm
yksraya wrote:
I haven't read all posts, too many pages.

I'm just trying to understand how a little inconvenience of having another girl join the y"t suddenly turned into "girl marrying Bil".

Too many assumptions here.


21 year olds under one roof - leads to relations - leads to forced shidduch/marriage. Its common sense.
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Sebastian




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 7:10 pm
sky wrote:
I don’t get this. We should make ourselves uncomfortable for others always? To what extent? I have to myself uncomfortable so someone else can have a good time?
We don’t even know girls situation. This may be a get out of helping at home trip.

If someon was posting how their mil invited themselves over for yom tov and it made dil uncomfortable I think the responses would be very different.


yes if someone posted that they rented a vacation home in Florida so all the married siblings can be together and one sil decided to bring her sister along, I'm sure the responses would be different.

If they're chipping in together and sil and her dh are not paying for the whole house, it's basic menshlichkeit to clear it with the rest of the family.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 7:34 pm
Squishy wrote:
You are being obnoxious.

Who are you to attack OP that way? Anyone could see realize if a house is rented for X number of couples plus one single, then an unplanned guest throws off the logistics. People don't generally rent houses with extra bedrooms.


WADR, you're both saying exactly the same thing.

The issue would appear to be the house, not any imagined issues between the single brother and the single sister.
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 7:57 pm
Ouch is this thread getting ugly.
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