Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Guests
What should I do?
  Previous  1  2  3  4 10  11  12  Next



Post new topic    View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 9:49 pm
Ok, so the single BIL doesn't seem like the real reason it bothers you. Which married spouses are you worried about her interacting with? If it's your husband, just come out and admit to that.
Back to top

amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 9:51 pm
Amother mauve:
I don’t think the issue here is having another guest. I am sure OP is warm and giving but there’s a line you need to draw when having specific people. A shabbos lunch would be just fine whereas two single people unrelated in the same house for whole Pesach is a whole another story.
Back to top

amother
Mauve


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 9:51 pm
amother wrote:
Ok, so the single BIL doesn't seem like the real reason it bothers you. Which married spouses are you worried about her interacting with? If it's your husband, just come out and admit to that.


yes this post!
why are you taking it sooooo personally. you admitted before that you are nervous about your husband being near her. secure people dont have thoughts like that! even yeshivish ones.
Back to top

amother
Babyblue


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 9:52 pm
amother wrote:
your "'mad" and "hurt" is very excessively dramatic. I get that maybe uts a let down. btw you dont sound like you "feel very bad" for this poor sister who probably was very desperate to get away for whatever reason. surely she did not anticipate how unwelcome she is. you are fortunate that you are a giver not a taker and try to open your heart. you dont need to be excited but honestly this whole post stinks of bad middos. cant you be less rigid and "forgive" and welcome and look at this as a real life opportunity to work on your middos and chessed?


Well you’ve managed to sum up my middos from a few random posts. Dont know

I have had her stay at my house before while hosting the rest of family and it was awkward (with single bil). That was with everyone staying in different houses. This is room next to room and for much longer.
Back to top

amother
Mauve


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 9:54 pm
let the brother in law (and your husband) handle their own awkwardness. you seem very preoccupied with how terribly awkward its going to be for them. let them think for themselves and deal with it. why are you getting all involved?
Back to top

tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 9:55 pm
amother wrote:
Wow. That sounds like it was tough!
It’s different because all the marrieds already don’t interact with others spouses but I believe she would.


So you can discuss that with your sister in law. That you are happy for her to come but tell her about the dynamics that are to be expected. Is she socially off? Otherwise I’m sure she can handle this. She knows your family is yeshivaish
Back to top

amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 9:59 pm
This has nothing to do with midos. I am chabad, this would be completely inappropriate in my circles. To have her for some meals, maybe, but to sleep for an entire week with an unrelated single boy in the room over is completely inappropriate. If you come from diff circles u may have a diff hashkafa then OP, that does not mean she is wrong or has bad middos.

Honestly I think this is a question for a rov. You should make the call & explain the whole background, then no one can be mad at you -follow the rov’s psak.

Also if you OP were the one who worked hard to make all the arrangements it should be your call who joins.

If you feel strongly about this, speak to a rov and follow his psak. Then it will take both guts and wisdom to break it to your SIL in a firm but sensitive manner.

The alternative is dealing with a very uncomfortable and hashkafically compromising situation.
Back to top

amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:00 pm
amother wrote:
yes this post!
why are you taking it sooooo personally. you admitted before that you are nervous about your husband being near her. secure people dont have thoughts like that! even yeshivish ones.

That isn’t really the point. It’s not the point whether her husband has eyes or not. The point is she was probably looking forward to relaxing with her husband’s family and would much rather not be on guard the whole time. This is frustrating
Back to top

amother
Babyblue


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:03 pm
amother wrote:
let the brother in law (and your husband) handle their own awkwardness. you seem very preoccupied with how terribly awkward its going to be for them. let them think for themselves and deal with it. why are you getting all involved?


I hear ya, if I was just an outsider looking in. Something that affects my husband and family like so will affect me too. I can’t help noticing when bil turns red or family is uncomfortable around each other.
Back to top

amother
Babyblue


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:08 pm
amother wrote:
This has nothing to do with midos. I am chabad, this would be completely inappropriate in my circles. To have her for some meals, maybe, but to sleep for an entire week with an unrelated single boy in the room over is completely inappropriate. If you come from diff circles u may have a diff hashkafa then OP, that does not mean she is wrong or has bad middos.

Honestly I think this is a question for a rov. You should make the call & explain the whole background, then no one can be mad at you -follow the rov’s psak.

Also if you OP were the one who worked hard to make all the arrangements it should be your call who joins.

If you feel strongly about this, speak to a rov and follow his psak. Then it will take both guts and wisdom to break it to your SIL in a firm but sensitive manner.

The alternative is dealing with a very uncomfortable and hashkafically compromising situation.


Op here. Hi, can we be friends? I’d love to do ask Rav but husband is afraid to upset his older married brother/ he feels that if he’s ok with it (has no option) then why should he get involved? Is it worth it to make everyone mad at me?
Back to top

oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:08 pm
I don't understand why yeshivish husband is not taking this seriously. You need to speak to him until he "gets it" and then speak to his brother/Rov whoever.
Back to top

amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:09 pm
amother wrote:
Amother mauve:
I don’t think the issue here is having another guest. I am sure OP is warm and giving but there’s a line you need to draw when having specific people. A shabbos lunch would be just fine whereas two single people unrelated in the same house for whole Pesach is a whole another story.


Hachnosas Orchim doesn't only pertain to related guests, it reaches a lot further. To me it sounds like there's something here the OP is not saying, because plenty of people have unrelated guests, single and married, all the time.

Even more so here, the OP specified that the SILs won't be mingling with the BILs. So being that there will be women who will automatically congregate separately, all it takes is a quick conversation with the girl. Just explain to her how the familly dynamics here, and politely request her to hang out with the women.
Back to top

amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:11 pm
amother wrote:
That isn’t really the point. It’s not the point whether her husband has eyes or not. The point is she was probably looking forward to relaxing with her husband’s family and would much rather not be on guard the whole time. This is frustrating


It's frustrating, but that doesn't come first if there's a person needing a place to stay for Pesach. The haggadah doesn't lead with relaxation and comfort, it leads with invite everyone in need to celebrate with you.
Back to top

amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:11 pm
OP, have you discussed this with you other sisters n law that will be attending? What is there stand on the matter?
Back to top

amother
Babyblue


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:14 pm
amother wrote:
Hachnosas Orchim doesn't only pertain to related guests, it reaches a lot further. To me it sounds like there's something here the OP is not saying, because plenty of people have unrelated guests, single and married, all the time.

Even more so here, the OP specified that the SILs won't be mingling with the BILs. So being that there will be women who will automatically congregate separately, all it takes is a quick conversation with the girl. Just explain to her how the familly dynamics here, and politely request her to hang out with the women.


That’s not really a conversation I can have. She knows how she should act. Like you said, this is not only about table conversations.
Back to top

amother
Babyblue


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:15 pm
amother wrote:
OP, have you discussed this with you other sisters n law that will be attending? What is there stand on the matter?

No. I want to but don’t know if it’ll be useful and might just be lashon hora.
Back to top

amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:16 pm
So you say you have hosted her before. What, specifically, bothered you about her behavior.
Back to top

33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:16 pm
amother wrote:
your "'mad" and "hurt" is very excessively dramatic. I get that maybe uts a let down. btw you dont sound like you "feel very bad" for this poor sister who probably was very desperate to get away for whatever reason. surely she did not anticipate how unwelcome she is. you are fortunate that you are a giver not a taker and try to open your heart. you dont need to be excited but honestly this whole post stinks of bad middos. cant you be less rigid and "forgive" and welcome and look at this as a real life opportunity to work on your middos and chessed?


Amother mauve,

You are incredibly out of line and should work on your own middos. You have some nerve diagnosing OP as rigid with bad midos and lacking in her chessed.

If you want to be nasty and snarky post under your own SN, or are you so lacking that you can't? What personal information are giving out that allows you to post like this?
Back to top

dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:17 pm
amother wrote:
Hachnosas Orchim doesn't only pertain to related guests, it reaches a lot further. To me it sounds like there's something here the OP is not saying, because plenty of people have unrelated guests, single and married, all the time.

Even more so here, the OP specified that the SILs won't be mingling with the BILs. So being that there will be women who will automatically congregate separately, all it takes is a quick conversation with the girl. Just explain to her how the familly dynamics here, and politely request her to hang out with the women.


I think the fine print is that this girl is really attractive or op worries she is to the men.
Back to top

amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Apr 01 2019, 10:17 pm
amother wrote:
Op here. Hi, can we be friends? I’d love to do ask Rav but husband is afraid to upset his older married brother/ he feels that if he’s ok with it (has no option) then why should he get involved? Is it worth it to make everyone mad at me?


Let's see - a possible family argument. A possibly upset Pesach for others. A young girl who can possibly get hurt and insulted. All in the name of some comfort and convenience.

Why don't you just work out a plan for you and your husband as to how to avoid anything that can upset the two of you. If she's in the room talking with the men, he can just walk out, etc. And let everyone else handle their own situations?
Back to top
Page 3 of 12   Previous  1  2  3  4 10  11  12  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic       Forum -> Relationships -> Guests