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Advice/support? Third child 15 months apart

 
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amother




Cyan


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 10:57 pm
I found out recently that I'm expecting number three iyH. Not planned, but I wouldn't want to call it a mistake, just a surprise. (we were planning on having more, just not yet)
My first two are 24 months apart and my baby is just 7 months old - so these two will be 15 months apart iyH.
I'm getting used to the idea but I'm still finding a bunch of things hard.
I think part of what's hard for me is that most of my close friends are on number 1 a few on number two and most of the young mothers that I know of have two - but not three. It's highly likely that I'll find out in a few months that someone else is pregnant too, but it's still harder for me to wrap my head around. I plan on reaching out to a friend that I haven't been in touch with a while that has four all close together but haven't done so yet.
I'm also very worried about what people will say. I know I shouldn't be, that it shouldn't bother me what anyone else says and as long as I'm confident it'll be fine... but I think my inlaws (esp in law extended family) will judge us for this and have something to say about it. We're already more to the right and I'd hate for this to be another "oh they're being like those ppl..."
I also feel bad - I have a very close friend who's married a few years and doesn't have any kids yet, a sister in law who's been trying for number two but hasn't happened yet, a coworker who's trying for two and also hasn't happened yet. How am I going to tell them that I'm pregnant again so soon?
And speaking of work, how do I go about telling my boss I'll be out on maternity leave again so soon?
I know it will all work out I'm just a little overwhelmed. Also excited happy and very thankful but still worried.
So all you mothers out there that have been there, done that - how did you go about this? How did you handle another pregnancy so close with a baby and toddler? How was the transition to three? Any advice /support is appreciated. Thanks!
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amother




Seafoam


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 11:05 pm
Bshaah tova! Typically people try to be extra supportive when they know you're obviously going to be a little overwhelmed for some time. Yes, you will also have people giving unsolicited opinions... Don't let them scare you. Don't let them affect you in any way. When you encounter someone being rude/ hurtful about your situation, mentally picture yourself putting on a raincoat. And imagine all of their words rolling right off the raincoat like rain drops, landing in a dirty puddle. Step over the puddle and get on with life! Don't get defensive. Smile, say thanks for your thoughts, and walk away.

Feel good!
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amother




Cyan


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 11:08 pm
thank you!!
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honeymoon




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 11:18 pm
I had my first three one after the other, and let me tell you, it is not easy. Don't delude yourself into thinking that life will be the same. I was shocked with the pregnancy and not so thrilled. embarrassed The adjustment after the baby was born was not a walk in the park either.

My advice to you is: Mom's mental health comes first, kids come second and everything else comes tenth. Now that my kids are a bit older they are the best of friends, partners in crime, and the love and joy of my life. Things do get easier. Cut yourself some slack and you'll pull through. And now I kick myself when I remember the tears I shed when I found out I'm pregnant. I love her to bits, she was worth everything.

Remember, when there's light at the end of the tunnel, its the light of the next pregnancy.. Wink
(Wait, I'm running for cover!)
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amother




Denim


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 11:22 pm
My situation was sort of the opposite of yours, as my first two were 15 months apart and the next two were 23 months apart. This was a few years ago, and though I remember being very busy, I don’t remember it being unmanageable. Three kids sounds overwhelming, but you really do get the hang of juggling everything.

Please ignore what anyone else has to say. It is not their business. I was the first of my friends to have three, as well, but plenty of other people are in your boat. Stay focused on the beautiful bracha you have.

As I said, this was a few years ago, and it is so, so nice to watch my children playing together. Yes, they fight, but they are also very close.

You’ve got this, OP!
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honeymoon




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 11:29 pm
Just want to add that I was the first from all my friends to have three too. But by the time I was showing, I was comfortable with myself already so when I got a look, I would mentally roll my eyes and stick out my tongue and walk along my merry way! It's your life and it is nobody's business.
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amother




Cyan


Post  Tue, Apr 02 2019, 11:59 pm
Thank you all so much I really appreciate all your responses! I know that once I'm really comfortable with the idea I'll be fine with people's comments it's just the immediate family I care more about but like you said they should be supportive hopefully, even if they're surprised
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amother




Linen


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 12:06 am
Obviously totally not the point - but I just want to highlight your positive middos in that you are sensitive to what people are experiencing.



amother wrote:

I also feel bad - I have a very close friend who's married a few years and doesn't have any kids yet, a sister in law who's been trying for number two but hasn't happened yet, a coworker who's trying for two and also hasn't happened yet. How am I going to tell them that I'm pregnant again so soon?


You should be zoche to much Bracha!
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amother




Cyan


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 1:05 am
Thank you!! Amen!!!
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 7:37 am
So I'm one of those people who would probably "judge" you on my mind, but not to your face. Let me tell you, my bark is worse than my bite. I would also offer to watch your older kid, pick up groceries or make dinner for you a night or two. Don't be afraid of the likes of me.
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oneofakind




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 7:46 am
Me too and it's because I had such a hard time with my own. I think people don't know how they would cope in that situation so they are afraid that the children will be neglected or the mother will fall apart. At the same time, I really admire those big families that do it well. Focus on your own life and try that your kids look clean and pulled together when your family sees them so you look like you are coping but really it's nobody's business although I totally get that awkward feeling...
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 8:27 am
I think u Bh have the advantage that ur first two are not So so close together. It might be a bit easier than having a 2 year old, one year and infant and will probably illicit less of the judgment ur afraid of (and should totally ignore...)

Signed- all my friends are bh up to #3 while I’m up to #1. At some point we mostly grow up and everyone does their own thing.
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 8:28 am
oneofakind wrote:
Me too and it's because I had such a hard time with my own. I think people don't know how they would cope in that situation so they are afraid that the children will be neglected or the mother will fall apart. At the same time, I really admire those big families that do it well. Focus on your own life and try that your kids look clean and pulled together when your family sees them so you look like you are coping but really it's nobody's business although I totally get that awkward feeling...


Yes that is exactly where my judgement stems from.
For example, lately I've been getting nauseous in the morning (I tested a few times and it was negative)- I think it's from running back and forth for my 5 yr old and 2 yr old- getting them dressed, giving them breakfast, giving hem more breakfast, cleaning up after 2 yo throws his food everywhere... it's a lot of rushing so early in the morning. Today I had to sit outside for a few minutes until the nausea went away. I keep thinking, "HOW IN THE WORLD do women manage to be pregnant with such little ones???"
I am hopefully going to ttc after pesach, when my baby is 2, and even that is no picnic.
So my judgement is simply because I can't fathom how people do it, and yes that's a shortcoming for mine. Like I said my bark is worse than my bite. Don't pay attention to me. im in awe of you!
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 8:28 am
Adding to my post- I think these things based on a good friend of mine that has a similar spacing. She ended up having a two year gap between 3 and 4 also. It was different than someone who has a whole bunch a year apart.
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Israeli_C




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 8:55 am
I had 4 kids in quick succession (3.5 year old, 2 year old and twin 3 month olds) and literally get comments on a daily basis. Some nice, some nasty. I've just learned to not care anymore. I think whether or not it's manageable is all a matter of mindset. I decided very early to never feel sorry for myself and to enjoy the kids. Every day that the weather allows, we go to the park, play, have picnics, read stories, do artwork - I chose to have them, so now I choose to give them every ounce of energy I have. If people want to roll their eyes at me when I walk past with a double stroller, baby carrier and holding hands with a toddler, that's their problem. I wish that everyone could have the family that I have.
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 9:27 am
I was advised for medical reasons to have all the babies I want to have as soon as I can, so I had four in a row in quick succession. There were 23 months between 1 and 2, 15 months between two and three, 25 months between 3 and 4. I actually found that the hardest stage was when I just had one. I was so used to a quiet, me-centered life, and I found the adjustment to motherhood very overwhelming. With each kid that joined the family after that I was already in 'baby mode,' and able to manage much more easily. I also let some standards for cleanliness and order slide, by necessity. It makes for a messier household, but a much more relaxed mom. Now that I have four, with only a 5 year age range from oldest to youngest, all of the same gender and close in age, I find that they are such good friends and playmates to each other.
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amother




Chartreuse


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 9:36 am
I've been in your shoes. My oldest two are 22 months apart and the second and third are 15 months apart. They are now 19, 17, and 16 years old and all very close to each other.
I don't recall ever thinking that things were very difficult (until my 4th was born 2 years after the third!). We managed very nicely. My husband has always been very hands on so that certainly helps.
The time passes very quickly and before you know it, they are teenagers. Hang in there!
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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 03 2019, 10:07 am
Mazel Tov OP! I have an 18 month gap followed by a 12 month gap. Baby days were crazy but I wouldn't regret a moment. My kids are all school aged now and they are like 3-way Siamese twins, super close and strongly attached to one another. I am so grateful that Hashem made it happen this way because I see what a special relationship they have.

As for advice.... hmmm let's see....make sure you get them on a good sleeping schedule. Without that you will be lost. You won't have energy to care for them and your home will be in chaos.

Diapers were so hard! I had 3 in diapers at one point and it almost ended me!

Make sure you let them interact with each other from day one. I know it's scary to let a crazy toddler near your fragile baby but if you don't they will resent it. I will never forget the first day bringing my son home from the hospital, carefully putting him upstairs in his bassinet, and going downstairs to call my 18 month old daughter to introduce her to her new baby brother... having no idea she had climbed into the bassinet and was already holding him Whew Just make sure they spend a lot of time touching, hugging and spending time together (with careful supervision) and I found that helps a lot.

Don't fear hand me downs! My son wore a lot of pink for the first year or so because we didn't have the foresight to buy anything gender neutral. Kids don't care and clothes get trashed anyway.

Nursing was very difficult. I had progressively less and less milk with each child. Don't freak out if this happens.

Try not to treat them at one unit. I am so guilty of this. They are practically like triplets so sometimes I tend to relate to them as one entity of "the kids" but I make a big effort to relate to them as individuals too.

IDK what else to say except just ignore people's questions and comments. Regarding mat leave, it's your legal right so don't give it a second thought. I'm so excited for you, you will have an amazing experience! I love my three close littles and I wouldn't change that experience for the world! Enjoy your future Three Musketeers Hug
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