How would you react?

amother

White

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 5:19 pm

My 10 year old is my most difficult child. Everyday he puts me in situations that leave me wondering if I will ever feel like a good parent.
A small situation that happened today:
Today, he heard the ice cream truck outside and said " can we get?". I said "no, we're not getting today, maybe another time". So he said " I'll buy it with my own money", then ran up to his room to get money (while I'm loudly saying, "no, I don't let today". He ran out, bought ice cream and happily comes home. His sisters eye the ice cream....
What would YOU do next?
I'd like to hear opinions and then I will say what I did... And wait for reactions...

FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:10 pm

Take away the ice cream, and take his money. Explain to him that since he can't listen and follow instructions, he's obviously not mature enough to make decisions about ice cream and spending money. When he starts showing you respect, and behaves responsibly, you can talk about it later.

The next day I would divide the ice cream among the siblings.

If he sneaks the ice cream out of the freezer when you are not looking, then you need to come up with a consequence that will get through to him. For sure, no more desserts until Shabbos.

Rutabaga

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:18 pm

I disagree with all the above. If you take away the ice cream and/or his money then you are going to make him even more defiant. He's going to hoard money in the future and hide his actions.

Instead, you should let it go about the ice cream this time and when you are calm you and DH should have a discussion with him about your financial values. Explain to him how long it takes to earn money and how you budget. Explain that sometimes it's worth splurging on something but it's usually better saving up. Take him to the bank to open an account and have him deposit a certain percentage of his money to save. Have him give some to tzedakah and let him keep some as spending money. I think this will do you much better in the long run than punishing him now.

Rachel Shira

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:20 pm

Rutabaga wrote:

I would probably do something like this.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:23 pm

Rutabaga wrote:

To me, this isn't much about finances. This is about blatant defiance and open disobedience, plus a huge dose of chutzpah. That's what needs to be addressed here.

Laiya

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:26 pm

Agree with the above. Take away both the ice cream and his money. I wouldn't even let him earn the ice cream back. What he did was extremely disrespectful.

Then, he needs to give you a proper apology. (He's sorry to __[mommy] for ___. This was wrong because__. In the future, he will instead do__). As FF said, you may need to discuss this with him so he understands why it was wrong. Maybe he can earn back his money if he shows you good listening for a period of time, beginning with the proper apology. But, he has to understand that it is wholly in your discretion to decide when he's earned it back. That you lost trust in his ability to listen to you when he doesn't want to, and it might take some time for him to earn it back. Then, try to catch and praise him often when he does listen to you.

Eta. Thinking about it some more, I don't know if taking his money is the right thing. As another poster said, it's his, however he came to have it, and his things should be respected. (The ice cream, however, he never was supposed to have; he got through a misuse of his money.) But definitely discuss with him, try to find out his thinking--did he act impulsively or because he really wanted the ice cream and it was too hard not to listen? And try to strategize better with him for the future.

Last edited by Laiya on Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

naomi2

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:26 pm

Tell him of it happens again he will have a consequence because he needs to follow your rules.
It would also be nice if you explained your reasoning to him and had a real conversation about him and listen to his side. He may even come up with a good solution for next time that will make you both happy.
Personally, I think if uses his own money you should have let him. Too bad on the sister, she can use her own money or wait a few years till she earns some.
Basically do you think it's fair that he should be held back from using his own money to buy ice cream because you dont want to have to be uncomfortable and deal with a jealous sibling?

Rachel Shira

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:27 pm

amother wrote:

To me, this isn't much about finances. This is about blatant defiance and open disobedience, plus a huge dose of chutzpah. That's what needs to be addressed here.

I agree, but I don’t know if defiant and chutzpahdik children really respond well to threats, punishments, and possessions being taken away. I don’t know anything about OP’s son, but something tells me he’d respond to those things by screaming, slamming doors, intensified chutzpah, apathy, etc.

Laiya

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:31 pm

Rutabaga wrote:

Maybe ds assumed that money was his mother's rationale, and that's why he decided to pay for it himself. But her reasoning may have been she didn't want the younger kids to ask, and make a mess when the house was clean for shabbos. Or have it before dinner. Or ds was still fleishigs. Etc. It doesn't really matter; it's not necessary for him to understand her reasoning. He asked, and she said no.

causemommysaid

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:38 pm

I'd probably try to stop him before he got the ice cream but if he managed to buy it anyway I would take it away.

I might also take him to the bank and open a bank account for him and deposit his money there. That way he has his money, knows where it is, can keep track of it, but cant spend it on things you dont approve of.

I wouldn't let him earn the ice cream back because a child that age should know better and it was real chutzpah. I think losing the ice cream is a proportional consequence.

Oops

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:49 pm

missknowitall wrote:

I would take it away. I would also keep his money in a safe place and tell him from now on he will get money to spend when I approve his purchases. He can't just ignore you when you tell him no.

That's what I would do too.
And If this is his usual behaviour, I would consult with someone experienced in Chinooch how to deal with him.

I'm curious what you actually did TMI

amother

Lilac

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 6:50 pm

I would take away the ice cream and dump it. And tell him that from now on I'll keep his money and if he wants to buy something that I'm ok with, I'll give him money. And the next time you treat the family to ice cream, THEN make him use his own money.

amother

White

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:05 pm

Oh wow, so many responses! And so many different opinions!!
Honestly, either I'm a softie, or a terrible parent, but some of these seem really harsh.
I'm going to post what I actually did soon so I can hear some more opinions...
I'm just going to say that in the few seconds of deciding how to react, I thought of a popular Instagram figure who inspires me by the way she showers her kids with so much warmth and calm (at least that's how it's portrayed, I obviously don't know what goes on behind closed doors) and tried to think what she would do in this situation. I also tried to put myself in my child's shoes...
Thanks guys, this is why I love imamother, you get so many opinions from so many different angles and based on each person's experiences, background and situation.