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Is it Ok to tell DD6 to stop the crying?
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amother




Mustard


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:31 am
DD6 is a little drama queen and cries when things don't go her way.

This morning, we were running late, and she asked me to make her a braid. I told her that I can do it later, after her Shabbos shower, but now we don't have time, since she has to go to school in a few moments. She burst into tears.

I said, "DD6, stop the crying!" and left the room. She stopped a moment later, but sometimes she keeps at it for a while.

Is it emotionally healthy to tell her to quit crying, or am I teaching her to avoid expressing her feelings?

I always say, "We never get what we want when we cry/kvetch for it, but we sometimes get what we want when we ask nicely" and that's often enough to get her to calm down and make a request nicely.

Thoughts?
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pesek zman




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:41 am
Of course it’s ok!! I tell my 4 year old all the time to stop whining.
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boogiebabe




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:42 am
Ignore from now on. She should get no reaction for behavior that isn't hurting herself or others. Like whining.

Next time she keeps her cool, comment about how you see her maturing, she didn't cry, just expressed her displeasure in a grown up way. Give her a little hug or wink.
Rinse and repeat. It might take a few months.
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glamourmom




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:43 am
it's perfectly normal to tell her to stop if the reaction is not in proportion to the disappointment/hurt. if she has real pain like when a kid falls or is really disappointed about something it's normal for them to cry and stay at it for a while and even then you're allowed to calm them and tell them to stop. if the reaction is way exaggerated than I don't think she'll be affected by you telling her to stop. JMHO.
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trixx




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:45 am
You can validate without giving in to it.
"sounds like you're disappointed that you can't get a braid now. I hear that. We still have to go"
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amother




Mustard


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:50 am
OP here.

The other night I was in tears telling DH about how a family member had something very hurtful to me.

I would've been very hurt if DH had told me to stop crying.

Didn't Rav Yisrael Salanter say that a toy boat breaking in the bathtub is the same to a child as a merchant's huge ship being shipwrecked at sea?

What if when I say "DD6 stop crying" she hears me as deciding for her that her pain is no big deal, the same way I'd hear it if DH would say it to me?
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mommy201




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:56 am
amother wrote:
OP here.

The other night I was in tears telling DH about how a family member had something very hurtful to me.

I would've been very hurt if DH had told me to stop crying.

Didn't Rav Yisrael Salanter say that a toy boat breaking in the bathtub is the same to a child as a merchant's huge ship being shipwrecked at sea?

What if when I say "DD6 stop crying" she hears me as deciding for her that her pain is no big deal, the same way I'd hear it if DH would say it to me?


I agree with this. We don't need to tell kids to stop crying, no matter how petty it seems. It does suppress emotions. Remember that her not having a braid in hair can be the same as something that would make you cry. We need to try an put ourselves in our childrens shoes for a moment and validate and empathize. This is how they get pass the emotions in the long run.
I also have a very sensitive daughter and I can't say it doesn't irk me when she cries hysterically over small things. But, I know when I let it run its course and validate here, she ends up getting over it herself and doesnt feel the need to cry as much the next time a similar situation happens.
Good luck!
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amother




Pearl


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:59 am
In general, I think it is bad to tell kids to stop crying or expressing emotion. However it is ok to teach them more appropriate ways of expressing it. So don't say 'stop crying,' but you can see, 'woah you are so angry and sad. I understand that. You really wanted the braid and you are so disappointed I can't do it now!" Often thats enough to stop the crying. If not, I'd continue, 'right now I'm getting in the car. If you need to keep crying you can, of you can take a drink and see if you are ready to calm down. But either way, we are getting in the car."
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amother




Beige


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:01 am
amother wrote:
OP here.

The other night I was in tears telling DH about how a family member had something very hurtful to me.

I would've been very hurt if DH had told me to stop crying.

Didn't Rav Yisrael Salanter say that a toy boat breaking in the bathtub is the same to a child as a merchant's huge ship being shipwrecked at sea?

What if when I say "DD6 stop crying" she hears me as deciding for her that her pain is no big deal, the same way I'd hear it if DH would say it to me?


Throw in some empathy. "I'm sorry that this is the way it is, I know how much you like having a braid and this is making you upset, but there is too much crying happening right now. When I braid your hair later we will think about other things we can do when we are upset".
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delicious




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:03 am
amother wrote:
OP here.

The other night I was in tears telling DH about how a family member had something very hurtful to me.

I would've been very hurt if DH had told me to stop crying.

Didn't Rav Yisrael Salanter say that a toy boat breaking in the bathtub is the same to a child as a merchant's huge ship being shipwrecked at sea?

What if when I say "DD6 stop crying" she hears me as deciding for her that her pain is no big deal, the same way I'd hear it if DH would say it to me?



I was going to ask you if you would appreciate someone saying that to you?
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:06 am
I do not think it is ok. That doesn’t mean you have to give in, like others said above. I cried a lot as a child and it was not validated and it has not been healthy for me. She might not be a drama queen, she might just feel things more intensely.
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:08 am
I do not think it is ok. That doesn’t mean you have to give in, like others said above. I cried a lot as a child and it was not validated and it has not been healthy for me. She might not be a drama queen, she might just feel things more intensely. I actually was called a drama queen quite often and I don’t think anyone who knows me as an adult would describe me that way- I’m just a sensitive person.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:18 am
It really depends on the child. If a child cries for no reason, it's ok to tell her to stop. My 6 year old complains and cries literally all day!! She wakes up complaining and whining, doesn't even say good morning. When she cries for no reason I tell her to quit crying or I ignore her. I explained to her that if she cries and complains for no reason, than when she really is hurt no one will believe her & help her.
Some kids cry as a form of manipulation to get their way.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:20 am
Your child may be a Highly Sensitive Person. Google it.

She may feel things much more acutely, and she may take your words much more seriously than you intended.

Some things can stay with a child for life, and will form deep patterns of behavior in adulthood. You don't always know what those things are, so choose your words carefully and kindly.
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:22 am
amother wrote:
It really depends on the child. If a child cries for no reason, it's ok to tell her to stop. My 6 year old complains and cries literally all day!! She wakes up complaining and whining, doesn't even say good morning. When she cries for no reason I tell her to quit crying or I ignore her. I explained to her that if she cries and complains for no reason, than when she really is hurt no one will believe her & help her.
Some kids cry as a form of manipulation to get their way.


How do you know that it’s for no reason? Are you in her head?
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:25 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
Your child may be a Highly Sensitive Person. Google it.

She may feel things much more acutely, and she may take your words much more seriously than you intended.

Some things can stay with a child for life, and will form deep patterns of behavior in adulthood. You don't always know what those things are, so choose your words carefully and kindly.

Naaa
I’m HSP and I was not like that as a kid at all. Some kids use crying as a manipulative tactic because they learn from a young age that it gets them what they want.
The way to to deal with it would be to disengage, as long as the child isn’t in pain or deprived of something let them cry to their hearts content.
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:26 am
tichellady wrote:
How do you know that it’s for no reason? Are you in her head?

A six year old should know to use her words, she isn’t a newborn.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:27 am
Because I know my child. You can see a pattern. Like if she's busy playing or doing and activity and me or DH is not around, she won't complain or cry. The minute she has who to complain and cry to, she starts. She's the type that looks for boo boo's all day long. She had surgery as a baby and still has scars, every so often she'll start crying that she hurt her leg and she points to the scars that it hurts so much. Same goes to old bruises. And no child wakes up and everything hurts! Its a type of child.
She's bh getting enough attention and love, it's just her nature. She's a copy of one of DH sisters that was the same as a child.
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:30 am
amother wrote:
OP here.

The other night I was in tears telling DH about how a family member had something very hurtful to me.

I would've been very hurt if DH had told me to stop crying.

Didn't Rav Yisrael Salanter say that a toy boat breaking in the bathtub is the same to a child as a merchant's huge ship being shipwrecked at sea?

What if when I say "DD6 stop crying" she hears me as deciding for her that her pain is no big deal, the same way I'd hear it if DH would say it to me?

Definitely
As a mother use your instincts to know when she’s in pain, even over something seemingly minor, or if she wants to get something out of you.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:32 am
OP, it's not the same as DH telling you to stop crying. Because adults don't cry for no reason, while kids can and do cry for no reason.
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